The enemy of the good

“Good is what you do, not how you are.” Or, so says the clever answer that some misguided sticklers for grammar might offer when “I’m good” is offered as a response to the question “How are you?” (Supposedly ‘well’ is the better word to use.)
While this may not be strictly accurate in the context of grammar, I think that it is accurate in the context of morality in general. Continue reading

Posted in ethics, mental health, race | 3 Comments

Eternal Gender?

I am starting a new semester this week and as a way to introduce my students to Physical Anthropology and each other on the first day of class I have them participate in an activity I call Line-Up. Much like in kindergarten, I ask them to line-up at the front of the class according to height. This takes a few minutes and is relatively easy. No one really hesitates or refuses to participate (an option if they so choose). Then, we line-up by skin color, then hairiness, weight, sex/gender, sexuality, and finally attractiveness. I let them arrange themselves and choose the specific criteria for each category. More hesitation, anxiety, and confusion permeates the line with each new category. I have yet to have a class complete the last category (who knew that measuring yours and other’s attractiveness would be so touchy compared to the other categories? But it is college after all). I do this activity in order to start a discussion about the confluence and interrelationship of biology and culture. All of these categories are “biological” and yet some carry more social, cultural, and moral baggage than others.

Line-Up generates a fascinating discussion on all of the categories, but none more so than sex/gender. It is usually the only category that ends up in a binary structure with a distinct space separating the men from the women. However, does this reflect the biological or social reality? Is sex/gender the only category that is not a continuum? And how do I rationalize all of this with my LDS theology of “eternal gender”?

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Posted in Changes, female divine, feminism, Gender roles, Relationships, religion, suffering, transition, women | 25 Comments

Too Good for Our Own Good

One of the things people like about Mormons is how nice we are. Aren’t we taught from the time we are Sunbeams that “kindness begins with me”? Mostly I think it’s nice to be nice.  Except that as women we are also expected to be sweet and gentle, which means that sometimes we overdue the kind thing and end up martyring ourselves on an alter of niceness. For no good reason! Two small examples:

Last weekend a few of us went to dinner. One woman ordered a chocolate chip pie that looked fabulous. Except it wasn’t. She didn’t complain, but we could all tell by the way she picked at it that it sucked.  So someone suggested she send it back. Oh. My. Gosh. My mild mannered friend flipped out. “Don’t you dare tell the waitress I don’t like it,” she begged us. The waitress happened to walk by and as my kind friend was profusely apologizing for our bad manners, the waitress said, “Listen, why should pay for something you don’t like? Why on earth are you eating it? It’s not like I made it, and even if I did, who cares?” The server reaches for the pie and our friend just sinks into the booth and covers her face. I roll my eyes and wondering why people have no backbone. Myself included.

Fast forward two days when I am in the radiology wing of our hospital getting an ultrasound on my gallbladder.  “Now take a big giant breath and hold it…” she says, cramming the ultrasound wand under my right ribcage.  Simple enough. I hold still and fill my lungs with air. And wait. And wait. “Exhale, and when you’re ready, let’s do it again.”  This goes on for a while, breath, hold, exhale. Breath, hold, exhale. The technician tells me to take my time inbetween, to catch my breath.  But I can’t bring myself to take a rest, even though I am getting lightheaded and my lungs are starting to burn. I need to be the Ideal Patient. I do not want to take more than my slotted time lest I contribute to the over crowded waiting room. I can be a good girl and pass out on my own time.  I may have gallstones but by golly, I will make sure they are the most thoughtful, self-sacrificing of stones around.  Maybe this can count as a value experience in the Personal Progress category of Martyrdom?

We do it all the time. Put ourselves last out of niceness, out of duty, out of habit, out of guilt.  And while the Savior did say, “And the last shall be first,” I don’t think He intended us to turn meekness into chronic self-sacrifice.  So next time you are eating a mediocre dessert, holding your breath, or doing any number of stupid things that come under the “I can just suck it up” category, stop.  Stop and ask yourself, who is benefiting here? What is the cost? Is it worth it? Sometimes, it is. But other times it isn’t.  Have the courage to know the difference.

Posted in women | 16 Comments

Jell-O Salad–Part I

My mind is open.

No, really, I’m open-minded. I’m a liberal, I recycle, I take reusable bags to the grocery store, I have long conversations in coffee shops about politics and never leave hating the person I had the conversation with….I am the one that is unfriended on Facebook when the discussions gets heated because others can’t handle my point of view, but I can certainly handle theirs!! (yes, I am patting myself on the back as I type this—which is not as easy as it might sound).  What could all of that mean if it does not mean being open-minded?

And then, by God, I realized that while these might be qualities I associate with being open-minded, I didn’t really have a clear definition of “Open-Mindedness”.

Logically, I turned to Webster: open-mindedness was clearly stated in five words–“Receptive to arguments or ideas.” Voila!  That very definition shouted my name! YOU ARE OPEN-MINDED! Applause! But, like a suspenseful episode of Fringe, I knew that the search could not end there. Who had these arguments or ideas that I was supposed to be receptive to?

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Posted in women | 17 Comments

Sisters Speak: Welcoming Our LGBTQ Sisters and Brothers into Our Wards

The next issue of the Exponent II magazine will focus on the theme of LGBTQ issues. For the Sisters Speak column of this issue, I would love to hear the opinions of the Exponent community on the questions below. (Note: I might email some of you commenters asking if I might quote you in the magazine.)

I am encouraged in the last few years that Church leaders have generally backed away from asserting that homosexuality is a choice, and that they now often acknowledge that they don’t know how or why people are homosexuals. I’m also encouraged that Church leaders have affirmed repeatedly that having homosexual inclinations is not a sin. These are important steps. However, I can’t help but think that there is/should be room within Mormonism to do more to welcome LGBT folk into our wards. My heart particularly goes out to LGBT Mormons in long term, committed relationships (maybe even married) who are prevented from participating in their wards.

My question to the Exponent II community is this: Do you foresee the Church carving out more room for LGBT’s to become practicing members of our Mormon community, even if they are in committed relationships? Is there space within a Mormon framework to do this? Why or Why not? What are the next steps leaders could take to do this? And what, if anything, can regular members do to help move the Church along this trajectory?  In my optimistic moments, I can envision a shift in policy towards leaders deciding quietly to not discipline LGBT’s in long term relationships who want to come to church, and maybe also these leaders extending callings to these brothers and sisters. It seems to me that if Church leaders decide to treat LGBT people in committed relationships just as we treat straight Mormons who marry outside the faith, we could establish a much richer, more diverse, and more loving community of saints.

Posted in women | 16 Comments

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Men Who Hate Women

[Content Note: This post discusses all forms of violence against women including sexual and physical violence]

Two summers ago mr. mraynes and I listened to the Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson as we drove to the Northwest to visit our families. We generally liked the series, the characters were compelling and the story was interesting enough to keep us awake through the sometimes-boring landscapes. But the violence depicted in these books is overwhelming. There were times when I had to turn the story off and breath because I found myself being triggered by the detailed descriptions of the sexual and physical violence being perpetrated against women. Continue reading

Posted in women | Tagged | 9 Comments

It’s Time for Sharing

There’s a new Bloggernacle blog out that I wanted to highlight today. “It’s Time for Sharing” is a new blog for Primary teachers and leaders. As time goes on, they hope to cover all the Nursery, Sunbeam, CTR, and Valient lessons along with sharing time and singing time ideas. The goals of It’s Time for Sharing are to

  • Keep Christ as the focus of our lessons
  • Invite and incorporate the Spirit
  • Be scripture-based
  • Teach solid principles without relying on ‘cute’ or ‘fluff’
  • Promote active rather than passive learning
  • Adapt lessons according to the children we teach
  • Reflect the varied personal experiences of children around the world

Jeans, of Beginnings New fame, shares a little about the origins of this new blog,

“It’s Time for Sharing” got a start when Karen Spencer and I gave some of the go-getters a little encouragement, as they commented on my other blog (Beginnings New) – the original post & their comments is here.

Jessica asked a simple question: hey, is there something like this for Primary? The Primary manuals are also, in some places, outdated or not applicable to a more ethnically diverse Primary, and how are sensitive and progressive Primary leaders and teachers making appropriate adaptations and updates? I wasn’t aware of anything out there – the “lesson helps” niche is stuffed with fluff, which I guess has a market but doesn’t really spiritually nourish either the teacher or the learners, no matter how old they are.

As a counselor in a Primary presidency, I feel like part of my calling is to minister to the spiritual needs of ALL the people in Primary. As I often say, “we’re all children… just different ages.” Sometimes Primary can be an isolating calling, and having a community of folks to talk things over with on a deeper level than “what clip art should I use” can help in that effort. Teaching plain doctrine elegantly and creatively to young people is tremendously satisfying and it emulates what the Savior did on many occasions. Primary is about helping people be stronger disciples of Christ, no matter how old they are, and I think there’s definitely room for us & the conversations we will generate out there in the Bloggernacle. Those are some of my hopes for the Primary “sister site” to Beginnings New at its launch. It has been a lot of fun being part of the behind-the-scenes excitement pulling it together VERY fast over the last 2 weeks!

Jenni B. states,

My experience as a mother, school teacher, childbirth educator, and graduate student of psychology have taught me that people of all ages–even tiny babies–know and understand far more than we give them credit for. I refuse to dumb-down lessons just because my students are young. They are honest enough to ask questions if they don’t understand. They are hungry for truth, and I am trying to offer as much sustenance as I can.
A few months ago I had the idea for a blog like this–and was delighted to find others with similar ideas with whom I could join forces–so that teachers who have greater experience or time could share our lesson ideas with those who may not have so much.

If you are in Primary and want some more ideas on how to approach lessons, check them out! And if you are full of great ideas, they’re looking for more bloggers and guest posts.

Posted in Teaching, women | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

Confessing and Forsaking Institutional Sins

By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.
-Doctrine and Covenants 58:43

I believe this scripture applies to women as well as men. I also believe it applies to institutions. After all, some of the greatest sins of all time were committed by groups of people acting together through institutional power.

A great institutional sin committed against the members of my faith, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), occurred in the state of Missouri in 1838, when Missouri governor Lilburn W. Boggs ordered that “…the Mormons must be treated as enemies, and must be exterminated or driven from the state if necessary for the public peace…” Boggs was certainly accountable for this atrocious misuse of power but he was not acting alone. He came into power through election by Missouri citizens, many of whom supported this unjust act.

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Posted in authority, ethics, history, politics, polygamy, priesthood, race | Tagged , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Why Can’t Women Be Witnesses?

Last week my husband participated in Stake Day at the Temple. He took the afternoon off from work and went to help with some sealings. While I myself have a hard time with the temple, I do want to be a good spouse and support him in spiritual practices that he finds meaningful. Really, I do.

And yet, I admit that I probably wasn’t the best sport about it. The more I thought about it, the more it troubled me that the stake was asking people to take an afternoon off work to do this. And then when I considered the fact that they would need more men than women for this assignment (men need to be witnesses to these sealings), the whole thing just bothered me a bit. Continue reading

Posted in priesthood, women | Tagged , , , , | 50 Comments