Charity is not Optional

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Heather

One of my favorite things about the Church is that it provides lots of opportunities to serve. Even when I have struggled with certain aspects of my religion and found Sundays uninspiring, I recognize that getting out of myself and doing for others makes me a better, happier person. And the LDS faith consistently offers me chances to serve and be served. So now that my 15 year-old son is attempting to boycott Sunday attendance on the grounds that he doesn’t “buy into it,” I am struggling to get him to understand that being Mormon is so much more than belief. In fact, for lots of us, belief is beside the point.

Last night we had a talk and I said that if he was going to refuse to go to Church on Sundays, he needed to find someplace he could go and serve instead, like a soup kitchen or a nursing home. This irritated and perplexed him.  “You just think I don’t want to go because I’m lazy.” Of course I think he’s lazy–he groans when I ask him to empty the dishwasher. When I told him that in our family, we serve each other and the community, and he couldn’t do that staying home watching Myth Busters, he countered that the three hours spent in Church are not service hours.

While that may be technically true, I disagreed. The connections I make on Sunday, the people I interact with, the stories I hear shared, and just observing my fellow saints, all this creates and/or enhances my willingness to reach out to others. His reply totally floored me. “Yeah, but it’s not like you spend three hours a week outside of church serving people.” Oh the cluelessness of a know-it-all teenager. I contemplated telling him about all the time and resources I have already spent this week–and it’s only Tuesday. But much of what I do would not qualify in his mind as “service.” For example today a few of us who work in YW busted our butts to fix the prom dress of one of our girls. My son would find it ridiculous to spend so much time and effort finding a way to add sleeves to a strapless dress so that it would cover a bit more flesh without ending up looking “too Mormon.” I did not inherit the modesty gene and thought the dress was fine. But to this YW, it mattered a lot. And even though I swear sometimes God rolls his eyes at me when I pray for all sorts of silly things, I know he listens and blesses me just the same.  So too I am trying to value the things that matter to the people around me. (And the dress looks gorgeous!)

And this is a big part of why I want my son at Church. I want him to notice who is feeling excluded. I want him to take the time to talk to the chatty, lonely sister who passes out programs. I want him to see that his YM leader has prepared the lesson specifically with him in mind, that he is loved by this community that has served him his whole life. And that they need him too. I can accept that he doesn’t believe. But you don’t have to believe in Christ to be Christ-like. So whether in an LDS chapel or a secular venue, I will teach my kids that charity is not optional.

 

Posted in Belief, charity, Doubt, parenting | 12 Comments

A New Kind of Mother’s Day

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Spunky

This last Mother’s Day was new to me. In the past few months, we unexpectedly found ourselves in the lucky position of increasing the numbers in our household, with the end goal/hope/prayer to permanently adopt. It has been a wonderful adventure and my husband and I are absolutely thrilled. Still… I faced Mother’s Day with trepidation. The first time I was wished a Happy Mother’s Day outside of the foisted “future mother” carnation at church, I was a young single adult. It was in a simple, yet beautiful card from a gay friend. He was also Mormon, and a close enough to know that I could never carry a pregnancy. As he recognised that we both had impossible mountains to climb if we were to gain the families we desired, he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day in a beautiful card with a hand-written addition, to the “Mother in embryo”.

Since then, other men, usually men I dated or close friends, including my husband, wished me Happy Mother’s Days. Most often, children I know—nieces, nephews, Sunday school children who all know I do not have the worldly status of “mother” have always wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. Dear, beautiful, precious close female friends also have wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. I’ve loved this and always felt that was… well… normal. So, when we first married, my husband and I made the choice to celebrate our pre-eternal selves. With this, we have always given each other gifts and celebrated each other for Father’s and Mother’s Days.

This always seemed quite normal to me, until one May when I went Visiting Teaching. Continue reading →

Posted in Acceptance, Mormon women, motherhood, parenting, personal notes, sisterhood | Tagged , | 18 Comments

Sophia Gathering- Planning a Mormon Feminist Retreat

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Jessawhy

Yesterday we finished the 4th annual Sophia Gathering in Muritta, Ca (photo to come!).  It started as an Exponent bloggers retreat and has grown to include Mormon feminist women from across the country.  Each year, I’ve planned and executed the retreat with the help of a few friends and have been amazed at the beautiful experience we’ve shared. I’m not saying that I’ve done an amazing job every year, there are always mistakes, but people are very understanding. I always love suggestions for the future.

I wish we had room to fit everyone who wants to attend, but maybe a better option is to have more retreats to accommodate more women.  Do you want to attend a women’s retreat? Maybe you can think about planning an event like this for yourself. Continue reading →

Posted in women | 11 Comments

Poll: Camping Out With Dad

Posted on May 13, 2012 by EmilyCC
Camp In Belgium by Freek van den Bergh
Camp In Belgium, a photo by Freek van den Bergh on Flickr.

Last weekend, our ward celebrated the anniversary of the priesthood commemoration by sending all the fathers and sons on a camp-out. As a feminist couple, Nate and I are troubled by this–If the priesthood is available to all, shouldn’t all be invited to celebrate its restoration?** Continue reading →

Posted in Family, Gender roles, Mormon Life | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-13

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Guest Post

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Mother’s Day Wars

Posted on May 11, 2012 by TopHat

leith graffiti 7 There is probably not a holiday more volatile for Mormon women than Mother’s Day. While some love the talks and chocolates and pansies, some haven’t been to church on Mother’s Day for years.

There are many reasons why one would like Mother’s Day to be skipped over at church. First, Mother’s Day is a secular holiday and the devotion of a worship service to a cultural holiday is yet another specter of American culture creeping into the “gospel.” Second, the veneration and idolization of mothers hurts a myriad of people: women who want to be mothers but aren’t, women who have no desire to be a mother, women who struggle in their motherhood or feel trapped in it, women who have lost a child, people whose mothers were abusive or absent, people who live in families without a person in the role of “mother.” The talks end up speaking to a minority group in the congregation while the rest shift uncomfortably in their seats, eyeing the obligatory chocolates, ready to bolt at “In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

On the other hand, Mother’s Day is the one day that almost every talk is focused on women, or at least mentions women. It is entirely possible that for 51 Sundays in the year, every scripture will reference a man, every quote will come from a man, every life story and testimony will be about a boy or man coming of age and what he’s learned. But on Mother’s Day, there is a spark of hope that a woman’s name would be listed for every talk in the program, that someone will share scriptures and experiences directed at women, that a breath might be given to Heavenly Mother. We are dogs begging crumbs at the Master’s table.

I have been on both sides of this Mother’s Day war. I have spent my Mother’s Days rolling my eyes and sighing as well as hoping for a drop of gold. Is the motherhood rhetoric so drenched in “shoulds” that there’s almost no way to avoid hurting each other with it? Can we resurrect Mother’s Day from of guilt and shame? Or should we take the crumbs and run with them as far as we can? Should we even mention it at all?

Posted in Gender roles, Heavenly Mother, Mormon women, motherhood | Tagged , | 18 Comments

The Two Sides of Being Single and Chaste

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Suzette

(Once a month, The Exponent is featuring posts from members of the Exponent II board. This is the second in the series.  Suzette serves as the Treasurer of Exponent II on the Executive Board – and also writes the 4th Sunday Poll on this blog.  She lives in the Washington DC area.) 

Single and chaste is a precarious way to live. There are (at least) two sides to the situation. On one side, making the difficult and committed choice of chastity gives confidence and grows sensitivity for ones own body. One the other side, this unnatural way of life, leaves a hurt that is difficult and sorrowful.

Last year, an article in the New York Times generated a lot of discussion around this topic in my single social circles.  The author describes her decision to leave her celibate, Mormon life to explore sexual experiences. She writes: “Most troubling was the fact that as I grew older I had the distinct sense of remaining a child in a woman’s body; virginity brought with it arrested development on the level of a handicapping condition, like the Russian orphans I’d read about whose lack of physical contact altered their neurobiology and prevented them from forming emotional bonds. Similarly, it felt as if celibacy was stunting my growth; it wasn’t just sex I lacked but relationships with men entirely. Too independent for Mormon men, and too much a virgin for the other set, I felt trapped in adolescence.” Continue reading →

Posted in women | 42 Comments

Relief Society Lesson #10: The Scriptures, the Most Valuable Library in the World

Posted on May 9, 2012 by EmilyCC

I’ve cut much of what GAS has written and would recommend having a lesson primarily on the scriptures and how to study them while supplementing with GAS’s words.  My notes are in regular font, his are in italics.

From what GAS says in the manual, it’s clear that this is a prophet with a firm testimony of the power of each of the books of scripture.  Here are a couple of my favorite quotes:

As I read the scriptures, … I marvel at the goodness of the Lord to bless those who accept his teachings, for we find more comfort in these sacred records than in all the philosophies of the ages, as given to us by the wisdom of men.5 Continue reading →

Posted in Relief Society Lessons | 1 Comment

Favorite Exponent posts about Mothers

Posted on May 8, 2012 by EmilyCC

Here are some of our favorite posts about motherhood in 2011 and 2012:
*Guest post by Pandora about being a new empty nester
*April blogs about Primary’s best Mother’s Day songs
*Spunky writes about trying to identify with Mary as a childless woman
*Alisa’s poem about being a mother of a child with special needs
*Deborah’s poem about her niece, a former orphan
*DefyGravity muses, “Is there divinity without motherhood?”
*Whoa-Man’s letter to Heavenly Mother
*kmillecam defines her life, mothering and beyond
*Jessawhy on finding a career after motherhood
*Two of Three’s guest post on giving children self-esteem
*Guest post Brittany Kunz’s post about the death of her young son Continue reading →

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Guest Post: Modesty and the Middle Class

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Guest Post

(and the upper class as well, but I liked the alliteration)

by Jenna

Jenna balances motherhood, photography, and blogging while dreaming big dreams in a high rise in Chicago. She’s looking forward to a move to the Bay Area this fall, with plans to eat as many locally grown avocadoes as humanly possible.

I have only very recently come to loathe the word modesty. Previously I considered it a badge of honor, and felt proud that I was doing it “right”. I thought a little bit about my intentions, but mostly I kept my shoulders covered and constantly tugged my pencil skirts down toward my knees (which was difficult to do while simultaneously patting myself on the back).

Blogging opened me up to a world of alternative viewpoints, and I realized that my friends wearing strapless dresses didn’t seem so bad, and my perception of modesty was altered. Modesty for me might be about cap sleeves and kept promises, but the goal for everyone should be self-respect. A modest woman dresses with self-respect, and self-respect looks different on everyone. Continue reading →

Posted in modesty, women | Tagged | 14 Comments