Comments on: My Husband's Free Adultery Pass http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/ Am I Not a Woman and a Sister? Sat, 31 Jul 2010 22:13:40 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: pow123 http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6757 pow123 Wed, 24 Feb 2010 16:40:14 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6757 Having been through an episode of adultery, the answer for me is that yes, there is life after it. My wife had an affair with a colleague of hers about which I found out. Went through some really bad times but at the end of the day the (very pragmatic) question for me was: Can I live without my children (who for better or worse would have ended up with her)? And what it would mean for them (my children) to be growing up without their parent living together. I also realized that for this to actually work there would have to be a "real" reconciliation and not a fake "in front of the kids" one. However more than 3.5 years later, there is a real change in our relationship. We are not really close anymore. Or to be correct I am not that close to my wife emotionally anymore. She never expressed the need to be close (physically or emotionally) to me anyway. And certainly there is a constant background trust deficit (I still don't know if my second child is really mine). But pragmatism still prevails. I am still the best "father" possible (her words) and still the best "provider" possible (again her words). But I guess both our expectations of finding a "great love" with the person you are married to have been ameliorated. We are now content with "person who you can live with" and "good parent" as the defining characteristics of our relationship. Its not great but its not bad either. You take what you can get and try and do the best thing for your kids. Having been through an episode of adultery, the answer for me is that yes, there is life after it. My wife had an affair with a colleague of hers about which I found out. Went through some really bad times but at the end of the day the (very pragmatic) question for me was: Can I live without my children (who for better or worse would have ended up with her)? And what it would mean for them (my children) to be growing up without their parent living together. I also realized that for this to actually work there would have to be a “real” reconciliation and not a fake “in front of the kids” one.

However more than 3.5 years later, there is a real change in our relationship. We are not really close anymore. Or to be correct I am not that close to my wife emotionally anymore. She never expressed the need to be close (physically or emotionally) to me anyway. And certainly there is a constant background trust deficit (I still don’t know if my second child is really mine).

But pragmatism still prevails. I am still the best “father” possible (her words) and still the best “provider” possible (again her words). But I guess both our expectations of finding a “great love” with the person you are married to have been ameliorated. We are now content with “person who you can live with” and “good parent” as the defining characteristics of our relationship.

Its not great but its not bad either. You take what you can get and try and do the best thing for your kids.

]]> By: Julie http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6756 Julie Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:42:29 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6756 Amazing! The strength of LDS woman. I myself can't say I will stay even on more day. My husband has had 3 affairs and is addicted to porn. He has abandoned me and my 5 kids many times to live his 2 sided disgusting life. Bear with me. I am a bit hurt and sick of him right at the moment. I want out. My kids are young and I will make oh maybe 7 dollars an hour in the economy we live in but to me it's better then the disrespect this man has towards woman. I would rather suffer without him then deal with his lies one more day. LDS only I don't see any other way Amazing! The strength of LDS woman. I myself can’t say I will stay even on more day. My husband has had 3 affairs and is addicted to porn. He has abandoned me and my 5 kids many times to live his 2 sided disgusting life. Bear with me. I am a bit hurt and sick of him right at the moment. I want out. My kids are young and I will make oh maybe 7 dollars an hour in the economy we live in but to me it’s better then the disrespect this man has towards woman.

I would rather suffer without him then deal with his lies one more day.

LDS only I don’t see any other way

]]> By: Caroline http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6755 Caroline Sun, 17 Aug 2008 04:29:52 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6755 debbie, elizabeth, thanks so much for sharing your stories. So sad that you've had to deal with both cheating and emotional distance. Debbie, I'm glad that your decision to leave has worked out for the best. Elizabeth, best of luck with your tough decision. I don't know much about your situation, but perhaps you might use the next couple of years to work towards your ideal career? And then when you see a bright professional future in front of you, leaving might seem like more of an option. Just my ignorant 2 cents, for whatever it's worth. debbie, elizabeth, thanks so much for sharing your stories. So sad that you’ve had to deal with both cheating and emotional distance.

Debbie, I’m glad that your decision to leave has worked out for the best. Elizabeth, best of luck with your tough decision. I don’t know much about your situation, but perhaps you might use the next couple of years to work towards your ideal career? And then when you see a bright professional future in front of you, leaving might seem like more of an option. Just my ignorant 2 cents, for whatever it’s worth.

]]> By: elizabeth http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6754 elizabeth Sun, 17 Aug 2008 04:16:08 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6754 I agree with the last portion of your posting. I am living within an emotionally void relationship. He cheated early in the relationship, which I forgave because I was so deeply in love. Ten years later, I am faced with a man who is not emotionally available, and I certainly know (firsthand) this is much more painful than any philandering he did years ago. I am not certain of where to go from hear. I do not have stable employment, we have no childrn (of course, his decision), and the economy truly frightens my ability to withstand a divorce. I agree with the last portion of your posting. I am living within an emotionally void relationship. He cheated early in the relationship, which I forgave because I was so deeply in love. Ten years later, I am faced with a man who is not emotionally available, and I certainly know (firsthand) this is much more painful than any philandering he did years ago. I am not certain of where to go from hear. I do not have stable employment, we have no childrn (of course, his decision), and the economy truly frightens my ability to withstand a divorce.

]]> By: Debbie http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6753 Debbie Sun, 17 Aug 2008 03:25:17 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6753 After reading all the posts on this topic I feel deeply saddened for those that have had to experience this. After 25years of marriage, 3 grown kids, I said I was done! Finished with the lies, late nights and early mornings of "work". I had complete trust in this man. He made promises, reassured myself and his kids that he was "worthy" and he became addicted to "one night stands". Once he figured that I would discover this, he made plans and arrangements with one of his one night stands and I "put him on the curb with the garbage! I held back so much of my own self worth and spirituality to try and bring him up that I couldn't figure out who I was. Now that's a different story. I manage my own life, pay my own bills and even have more cash that I ever did before. I felt like the "yolk" was completely off my back. It is different with each of us, what we will take and not, until it happens. I pray that those that have not experienced will never do. Love another and appreciate all the things that you do for each other..even the little things and smile =) After reading all the posts on this topic I feel deeply saddened for those that have had to experience this. After 25years of marriage, 3 grown kids, I said I was done! Finished with the lies, late nights and early mornings of “work”. I had complete trust in this man. He made promises, reassured myself and his kids that he was “worthy” and he became addicted to “one night stands”. Once he figured that I would discover this, he made plans and arrangements with one of his one night stands and I “put him on the curb with the garbage! I held back so much of my own self worth and spirituality to try and bring him up that I couldn’t figure out who I was. Now that’s a different story. I manage my own life, pay my own bills and even have more cash that I ever did before. I felt like the “yolk” was completely off my back. It is different with each of us, what we will take and not, until it happens. I pray that those that have not experienced will never do. Love another and appreciate all the things that you do for each other..even the little things and smile =)

]]> By: Caroline http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6752 Caroline Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:41:11 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6752 Wow, Stacey. Thanks for sharing your poignant story. You've sure had a rough time these last couple of years. It's sounds, though, as if you and your husband are on a track to heal and make the marriage work. Best of luck to you. Wow, Stacey. Thanks for sharing your poignant story. You’ve sure had a rough time these last couple of years. It’s sounds, though, as if you and your husband are on a track to heal and make the marriage work. Best of luck to you.

]]> By: Stacey http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6751 Stacey Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:09:24 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6751 I am in the very position that you are all referring to. Two weeks ago, my husband of 3 years, confessed he had a drunken one-night stand. We have been together for 9 years (started dating at the end of high school) and recently have had a baby together only 4 months ago. In the three years we have been married we have lost a baby, I had a serious cancer scare in which I was having to have blood work done weekly for over 6 months, my husband's business went under and he was unemployed for about 7 months, I lost my job and had to take a lower paying one, we are in the process of foreclosure on our house and are having to file bankruptcy. We got pregnant last year and new it was going to be a very high risk pregnancy--we had to do ultrasounds every week for 7 months of the pregnancy. Meanwhile, both my parents lost their jobs and their home as well. About a month and a half ago, my husband had a break down, and told me he was very depressed about everything--his job, our financial situation, our marriage (we had been fighting a lot since the birth of our daughter--mostly because of lack of sleep & all the stresses that don't just go away because you have a baby) and that he was feeling very hopeless about life. I felt very much the same way and both of us have been a very long depression with everything that we have gone through and not dealing with any of it. We both figured we would let time heal our wounds. Now we have the one-night drunk affair (with a girl he didn't know and he remembers very little of the event). It happened on a Saturday and Monday he stayed home from work (I thought because he was sick) and actually called his mom and asked her to come and confessed to her & then went to a pastor. He cried all day and decided he had to tell me because he thought I deserved to know and have the ability to decide what I wanted to do. He, we, cried for days. I was shocked, hurt and devastated. I still am. After a few days of thinking about it and talking with my parents, I have decided to try to work things out with my husband. To this day, I still cannot believe it happened. It is the complete opposite of everything I know and love about my husband. He has been my partner and best friend since we met over 10 years ago. He stuck by me through every mistake I've made (and some have been very big ones) and has always loved me unconditionally and knew that with patience and love I would get through the things I need to work on. Our lives have been a complete rollar coaster the last three years and most people don't go through that in a lifetime of marriage. I love my husband and I think we can get through it but it will take a lot of work, time, patience and love. We do however know that we cannot do it on our own and he is 100% committed to doing whatever he can to make things better. I really do believe him that he loves me and wants our relationship to improve--as well as us both individually. I think people really can make a stupid mistake, especially when they are in a depressed state to begin with and then you add alcohol. At the end of the day, I love my husband and I can't imagine my life without him. But we as a couple need to improve our relationship, deal with the sadness we have endured, and get healthy and happy as two individual people before our marriage can be what it was the day we married. I am in the very position that you are all referring to. Two weeks ago, my husband of 3 years, confessed he had a drunken one-night stand. We have been together for 9 years (started dating at the end of high school) and recently have had a baby together only 4 months ago.
In the three years we have been married we have lost a baby, I had a serious cancer scare in which I was having to have blood work done weekly for over 6 months, my husband’s business went under and he was unemployed for about 7 months, I lost my job and had to take a lower paying one, we are in the process of foreclosure on our house and are having to file bankruptcy. We got pregnant last year and new it was going to be a very high risk pregnancy–we had to do ultrasounds every week for 7 months of the pregnancy. Meanwhile, both my parents lost their jobs and their home as well.
About a month and a half ago, my husband had a break down, and told me he was very depressed about everything–his job, our financial situation, our marriage (we had been fighting a lot since the birth of our daughter–mostly because of lack of sleep & all the stresses that don’t just go away because you have a baby) and that he was feeling very hopeless about life. I felt very much the same way and both of us have been a very long depression with everything that we have gone through and not dealing with any of it. We both figured we would let time heal our wounds.
Now we have the one-night drunk affair (with a girl he didn’t know and he remembers very little of the event). It happened on a Saturday and Monday he stayed home from work (I thought because he was sick) and actually called his mom and asked her to come and confessed to her & then went to a pastor. He cried all day and decided he had to tell me because he thought I deserved to know and have the ability to decide what I wanted to do. He, we, cried for days. I was shocked, hurt and devastated. I still am. After a few days of thinking about it and talking with my parents, I have decided to try to work things out with my husband. To this day, I still cannot believe it happened. It is the complete opposite of everything I know and love about my husband. He has been my partner and best friend since we met over 10 years ago. He stuck by me through every mistake I’ve made (and some have been very big ones) and has always loved me unconditionally and knew that with patience and love I would get through the things I need to work on.
Our lives have been a complete rollar coaster the last three years and most people don’t go through that in a lifetime of marriage. I love my husband and I think we can get through it but it will take a lot of work, time, patience and love. We do however know that we cannot do it on our own and he is 100% committed to doing whatever he can to make things better. I really do believe him that he loves me and wants our relationship to improve–as well as us both individually. I think people really can make a stupid mistake, especially when they are in a depressed state to begin with and then you add alcohol.
At the end of the day, I love my husband and I can’t imagine my life without him. But we as a couple need to improve our relationship, deal with the sadness we have endured, and get healthy and happy as two individual people before our marriage can be what it was the day we married.

]]> By: Seven http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6750 Seven Sun, 27 Jul 2008 21:32:09 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6750 I haven't told my husband he has a free pass but I totally agree with your post. Adultery would do great harm in our marriage but I have to forgive him. If I don't, then I haven't honored Christ's atoning sacrifice for my own sins. This very topic came up the other day after watching two marriages end in divorce from a cheating spouse. (one was a wife, the other was a husband) It made me realize that my love for him goes beyond what I used to think would be a deal breaker. We are a family and I love him like blood. Knowing that he loves and understands me with all my faults is part of why I feel this way. We truly are one. Our marriage and children are more important than anything to me. The longer we are married, the stronger I feel this bond. I might have to get revenge by cheating on him though. hmmm.....jk I haven’t told my husband he has a free pass but I totally agree with your post. Adultery would do great harm in our marriage but I have to forgive him. If I don’t, then I haven’t honored Christ’s atoning sacrifice for my own sins.

This very topic came up the other day after watching two marriages end in divorce from a cheating spouse. (one was a wife, the other was a husband) It made me realize that my love for him goes beyond what I used to think would be a deal breaker.
We are a family and I love him like blood. Knowing that he loves and understands me with all my faults is part of why I feel this way. We truly are one.
Our marriage and children are more important than anything to me. The longer we are married, the stronger I feel this bond.

I might have to get revenge by cheating on him though. hmmm…..jk

]]> By: Kiri Close http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6749 Kiri Close Sat, 21 Jun 2008 01:37:12 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6749 How about when the 'other woman/man' is: A)legally a child (even very young) B)the same sex as your spouse C)Both A & C D)is less attractive than you E)one or more of your own children F)another relative G)your/their best friend How about when the ‘other woman/man’ is:

A)legally a child (even very young)

B)the same sex as your spouse

C)Both A & C

D)is less attractive than you

E)one or more of your own children

F)another relative

G)your/their best friend

]]> By: Shelly http://www.the-exponent.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/comment-page-1/#comment-6748 Shelly Thu, 01 May 2008 05:35:33 +0000 http://theexponent.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/my-husbands-free-adultery-pass/#comment-6748 I think you are wise. As a young wife I thought I'd freak out if he cheated. He did, more than once. I did freak out. But oddly, now, I forgive him and now would accept him saying, "Ok honey I love you, go to bed and don't wait up for me." Even if I knew he was going to go be with some woman. Weird I guess. I'd never go find another man. I'm happy. He takes good care of me. I guess I fully submit to his lead. I guess I have never been happier, actually. He's a really good guy. Maybe it is not so bad to face a husband's need to have variety. The lies are what hurt. Not really the fact that he wants to pursue a few women besides me. So if you accept it, you protect yourself I think from betrayal, actually. We have been married 21 years now. I am content. I think you are wise. As a young wife I thought I’d freak out if he cheated. He did, more than once. I did freak out. But oddly, now, I forgive him and now would accept him saying, “Ok honey I love you, go to bed and don’t wait up for me.” Even if I knew he was going to go be with some woman. Weird I guess. I’d never go find another man. I’m happy. He takes good care of me. I guess I fully submit to his lead. I guess I have never been happier, actually. He’s a really good guy. Maybe it is not so bad to face a husband’s need to have variety. The lies are what hurt. Not really the fact that he wants to pursue a few women besides me. So if you accept it, you protect yourself I think from betrayal, actually. We have been married 21 years now. I am content.

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