Girlfriend, I find I’m always in flux, & some eras in my life more intensely than other times.

Who, just who, has it all figured out here in mortality? Whoever says so is a liar.

I’m always in the middle of conflicting feelings. Lately, it’s: 1)write, 2)study for law school, or 3)piss around the house doing absolutely nothing of great consequence (however, I do love scrapbooking). I seem to be getting really, really good at #3 lately, & loving it…Like, a little TOO much during this long holiday/vacation from work (I’m a full-time prof on the notorious–& fabulous–Pine Ridge rez where I teach literature & writing).

Add to this indulgent recipe (& suddenly beginning to hate) my work with the local Young Womens program–lately, I’m exhausted from it! And quite ready to ask for a release. But I’m gonna hang on in there for another 1/2 year or less.

And don’t forget how 6 months ago we moved to a teeny, weeny town in panhandle Nebraska where we initially decided it would only be a single year long stint. But now, my husband (seemingly, Mr.Lay-Down-Family-Roots) is contemplating staying another year, which is absolute friction up against my gypsy, bedouin nature (kinda driving me nuts!). The town, overall, is not what I would wish on my worst enemy–try being only 1 of 15 Democrats during the election in a town like ours, walking past locals who quote their bible on how a Muslim as a promised land leader is the mark of the Apocryphal end of days! Subtly, very “Children of the Corn” here. Comically despicable scene.

And then, when writing phantoms finally come to me, and my writing is fluid, I get TOO MANY bombarding ideas, that my writing projects I’ve started since landing here in Nebraskee are unfinished. My new nickname should be, “Waffler”–waffling back & forth with which book or essay I should be focusing on for completion.

Further, include our coupledom contemplation of having kids. Do I want them, or not? Honeychild, I am STILL asking myself that. And if they come along, how will I handle law school (& also considering a joint Master’s degree in American Studies with it!), and Rob’s last school stint to be a Nurse Practitioner?

And never, never forget how badly I have the travel bug. I’m convinced I’m Anthony Bourdain having an out of body experience since our births—cosmically twisted, I know, but deeply I feel this…well, deeply I want this to be true–

Oi, vay! My existential dilemmas, in flux: never resolved. I feel I can coin the phrase.

Wouldn’t want it any other way (sadist that I am).

But now when I see women who have the luxury of being SAHMs I want to tell them just to stay home and relax and spend their time with their kids rather than racing off to get a job. I want to tell them to just lay around on the LR floor and read stories, or go into the kitchen with their kids and “cook” something magical. And I especially want to tell them to give their kids some extra squeezes when they are all bathed and in their PJs and ready for bed (this was my fav time of day with my kids).

I’m not at all judgmental of anyone who chooses not to stay at home fulltime with their kids or who pursues a career. I think it’s just my own nostalgia that motivates me to suggest that you/they enjoy this stage of life a bit more and not be too eager to return to the workplace or choose a new career path.

I work with kids from all kinds of backgrounds and see them either flourish or withdraw depending on who values them. Not saying that you don’t value your child, I am sure you do or you wouldn’t be questioning to be a better person. But your strong words such as “mind numbing boredom” “loneliness” and “meaningless time” in connection with caring for your child did strike a protective chord for me.

Definitely go on and question and find your way. I think that is a balance everyone, including me, must find and a blessing that we have that capability to wander and pursue.

But in our wandering, for the protection of our kids, we still need to see the beauty in the time we get to spend with them until, or if, we find something else that also fulfills us.

hshays, I loved your comment. Thanks for telling your story.

Lawna, I’m so sorry about your situation. It’s emotionally difficult when you feel like you don’t have choices. And whether that feeling of being stuck revolves around working or staying home, it’s tough situation.

bandanamom, thanks for your story. It’s nice to know that maybe the most difficult years are the really young ones, and that it might get better.

H.K. I agree with you that it’s a trap to equate a person’s worth with a paycheck. Like I said before, I would be open to volunteering on a serious basis. But I fear that with volunteering I wouldn’t have the same range of creativity and autonomy that I envision having as say, a project manager for a non-profit. (Obviously, I’m fantasizing here about my humanitarian dream job.) Nice post, other than that part where you were agreeing with John.

Markie, Like I said before, you nailed it exactly. Thank you.

Janna, I too like to think that a career can be a calling in life (for those of us privileged enough to be able to choose something personally fulfilling). I just wish I could figure out what that calling is for me! I’m envious that you got it figured out already.

John, I really don’t understand your comment. Never did I say that just any job would suddenly give my life more meaning. (is that what you thought?) I was talking about a certain kind of job (or non-job – I’m open to volunteering in a serious way in a cause I’m passionate about – that goes to what you were saying, H.K.Bailik) I’m after doing something I find meaningful to humanity. Opening a soup kitchen. Working towards international women’s rights. You get the idea. That doesn’t include the empty ladder climbing that you were describing. If you had read my last paragraph, you would have seen that in no way was I equating any job with meaningfulness. I mention the mind numbing boredom or back breaking labor some women are forced to do. I’m obviously not after that sort of thing, and once again, that underscores the incredible privilege I operate under. I’m also not after abandoning my family for that kind of career. I want both. And preferably I want that career part time so I can spend a good deal of time with my children. Clearly I’m dreaming.

Perhaps, Caroline, you are hearing your calling? What a great thought!