by G
Just shy of a year ago I stopped attending church. I no longer believed what the church taught and had gotten to the point where sitting through three hours of it was both numbing and excruciating. But I think it’s time to start attending again. Not because my beliefs have changed, but because Sunday has become such a fragmented disjointed day for our family. Something has got to change and I have decided that I will be that something. So a couple Sundays a month I will attend with my husband and child. I will bring books to read and my journal to write in (a friend suggested an iPod, but that’s too obvious for my taste) to help get me through talks and lessons that would otherwise send me over the edge. Also, I think that perhaps I have had enough time and distance that there will not be the same painful cognitive dissonance that I used to experience; maybe I’m in a place now where I can be more generous about the things I disagree with and more open to catching the gems that do resonate. We shall see.
But my question to you has to do with my desire to be honest and open about who I am. Part of the discomfort from before had to do with the double life, the need to hide so much of my thoughts and experience. I’m done with that. But when I think about how that will actually LOOK, me being more open, I have a hard time imagining the line between honesty and disrespect. I don’t want to cross that line, I dislike making people feel uncomfortable.
Here’s me: I’m pretty agnostic with existential leanings, view the scriptures as man-made metaphors, don’t see much difference between the LDS church and other churches out there (i.e. no one true church with exclusive priesthood authority led by a prophet of God etc.). I don’t believe in necessary ordinances, don’t wear garments, don’t live the word of wisdom, etc. etc. etc.
Basically, I am rubbed the wrong way by most of what the church says (though I do believe in food storage).
So… I will just sit in the back and keep my mouth shut and read my book? (Unless talking about food storage?)
Those of you in my position, how do you walk that line?
And those of you who are believers, what are your thoughts about the participation of someone who just doesn’t believe in the church?
G, Thank you for sharing your perspective, opinions, and generating this discussion here. I have been on vacation for three weeks or would have responded to a number of points individually before.
As a former BYU grad, RM, holder of many leadership callings, and temple ordinance worker myself, I feel your pain. I don’t have the same doubts and frustrations but it is safe to say that my testimony crashed after the election in California and I haven’t been attending regularly. But I go occasionally and I express my opinions in settings where appropriate.
I had a conversation with the stake president regarding some of my concerns regarding prop 8 and related events. Although an ardent supporter (who took a big hit professionally for a substantial contribution), he told me that the church needs dissenters or those with different opinions. He told me that it was a great shame to see differences (whether politics, beliefs, or whatever) homogeneous the church and chase people who feel like they don’t fit in out. I have gained some peace to finally express my concerns and not pretend to be perfect.
However, an interesting note is that in my recent travels, I passed by some of the areas where I served my mission. I was in that part of the world for other reasons for the first time since I returned almost a decade ago and decided not to miss the opportunity to see people I worked with, taught, and really loved even though I am currently frustrated and not really believing much besides there is a God and the power of prayer.
But did I advertise my current struggles? no … Maybe it was because it made me want to believe like I believed or thought I believed before, although I recognize that I do not.
It really was about the simple things – about life, love, and charity. When they asked me to pray, I prayed. The church has transformed their lives for good and I didn’t want to break that. Also, I guess I didn’t tell them “I’m inactive” or don’t always speak up because at this point it is still hard to articulate my thoughts. For that, I come here.
I don’t know what your current beliefs are but it sounds like being kind to others is probably in there (the whole concern about the ipod being too obvious). There was a great idea in conference about going to church to help others, and I thought of you. When you go to church, instead of focusing solely on the things that are difficult and painful for you, you could instead try to go with a mission of finding someone to help. Maybe someone just to smile at or say hello to, something simple like that. Not that I’m advising to just ignore all the things that are difficult and you disagree with, but it just might make church a little easier to live among the pain if you find some kindness to surround yourself with, even if it’s your own you’re sharing.
You are so clear in your short post, in a way I could never be. Everything came to a head for me today and I came here and found this, coincidence or fate? After spending a lot time reading all the comments made here so far, and realising how many of you that are out there and have similar views to, why is it that I sit at church and feel so alone? I am also constantly rubbed the wrong way, and my current calling is RS teacher! The only way I actually manage this calling is with help from this site. And when I read the comments from some women that I know have posted lessons to this site, I realised that I am not alone. Every month when I stand up, I feel like such a hypocrite. I have to keep my personal feelings out of the lesson, stick to the material and make my ‘testimony’ (if you could call it that) at the end, very specific!
I think I too need to learn to crochet. Although my 11.5 month old is currently a great distraction. I’m actually worried about what will happen when she’s old enough to attend nursery with my just turned 2 y/o.
My mother left the church 16 years ago, and of the 5 children in my family, I am the only one left active (more physically than spiritually). My father is also active although no longer married to my mother. My mother is terminally ill with cancer and if I am to believe the opinions of some in the church, she’s pretty much going to hell. However, my experiences with her as a person tell me that she has more charity, kindness and love for her children and others than my father does.
THis has taught me that it’s more about what is in our heart than what we do out in the open that we make sure everyone sees (my father). Although I still worry about what is in my heart, and do need to learn a lot of the tolerance and non-judgementalness that others have spoken of.
Anyway, what I wanted to say to you G, is that I admire you. Your courage and strength is an inspiration and along with Caroline and EmilyCC, you give me the feeling that I am not alone. THANK YOU.
G
Have you always believed the way you do? Or did you use to believe and now you don’t?
brenda- I used to sincerely believe in the church with my whole heart and soul.
which is why, I think, the doubts and questions etc became so painful.
I just read every post on this feed with great interest. My husband of 31 years feels a lot like G and others who have posted here, but has never articulated it to me in the way some of you have here. I am a believer and regularly feel the Spirit when attending church meetings and I admit I don’t always respond with empathy when my husband speaks negatively about church, although I try to understand. He has kept attending I think to keep our family together and maintain cohesiveness for our 4 children, 3 of whom are active adults and the last, an active 17 yr. old. He likes the church and the idea of what it stands for and has accomplished, but without having that spiritual conversion he also suffers through meetings. Your descriptions of feelings are at this moment helping me see through different eyes your (and his) experience and now that I think about it I can think of others in my ward who must be experiencing similar feelings. Wow, I think I believed it was just my own family situation.
I was touched by mb’s comment, “Actually, the women I have the greatest respect for are the ones who are able to feel at peace with who they are enough that they can feel at peace in any place, thus freeing themselves to act with humility and charity rather than react with frustration or impatience.” I think many of these so-called “apostate” church-goers must be at this place, and I applaud you. I can say that I so much appreciate my husband’s willingness to be there for our family religiously — the kids, in-law kids, grandchildren all love him without measure and we do practice all things religious together as well as gather often for shared family time and events.
You got it right again mb, God is most interested in how we love those around us, charity is the pure love of Christ.
G, you are so right that the doubt and questions are so painful. Since I’m still in limbo, how do you move on from that either back in or out?? Do you ‘come out’ or do you just let people think what they want? Had a chat with my husband the other night and he wants me to keep attending church in either instance but not sure if that’s to save face for him, or whether he has more honorable intentions.
rebekah- good questions. I wish I had more answers but I am still working it out myself as I go along.
Plus I think the answer is unique for each situation. I wish you the best on your journey.
As per husbands and saving face and intentions, there is really something about that: I do think there exists a bit of an implied shame for the good priesthood leader of the home if he is unable to keep his wife from losing her testimony. (my cynical mind wants to insert here the phrase “keep her in line.”)
And yes, I do believe that my own beloved has struggled a bit with the idea that our friends and extended family think less of him somehow because of my “apostasy”.
He has dealt with it well, but is it obviously a force to be reckoned with.
Again, I wish you the best of luck.
You know, I order a lot of religious books searching for answers to questions that I have about the church. I like to read others ideas which help me form my own. None of the books I’ve bought have really contained what I was looking for until I bought Shaken Faith Syndrome by Michael R. Ash. I actually bought it for a family member and thought I’d read it first to see if it contained anything good. This book has completely changed me and how I view the church. I have peace about a lot of things I didn’t before and now I’ve been able to move past that and really start finding answers on my own that I’ve never been able to see before. I don’t even think the book answer the questions I had directly but maybe the ones I didn’t know I had. I hesitate to summarize the book b/c I don’t think I could do it justice, but I’ve been recommending it to others I know who have questions. I’m in no way affiliated with the writer or anything, I’m just really excited about how it’s helped me and what I’ve been able to see and discover since reading it!! If you get a chance to read it, I’d love to know what you think!!
Pingback: body and blood and tears in church « The Exponent
thanks for the suggestion brenda (i always love a good tip on a book), I’ve added it to my stack of “to read” books.
I noticed that you said that you didn’t believe that there was any difference between the LDS and other churches…so would you be willing to give other churches a try? I believe that it is the Holy Spirit of the Living God and a relationship with him that makes it worth going to church. The church is not perfect and is filled with imperfect people, and that is why we need a perfect Savior, who came and showed us the way and is still living and active today to restore live, and to give them purpose and meaning. I pray that you are directly visited by him in some way, be it through something said by a pastor, a friend, His word (which he promises will not return void, or in visions and dreams) May his presence bring your peace, hope, and purpose in this life!
I was a convert when I married my husband (Member) and attended church, was sealed and currently hold a reccommend. I am struggling with going to church as well. I was always skeptical, but have learned much about the church that I can not tolerate. I don’t want to lose my connection with my Husband and children as well, but we have to be true to ourselves. I wish we could just go to church without being harrassed by the members.
G. If any of ye lack wisdom, let him ask of God. James 1:5. My dad once told me that you could ask 10 people a question about religion and you would get 10 different answers. If you want the right answer for you, ask God. Good luck.
Interesting article and comments. I’m a fourth generation member and am in my 60′s now. I’ve always remained faithful to gospel principles. I don’t always want to go to church; I sometimes find it boring and a waste of time. However, whenever I feel that way I always come back to the question: “What is it that I’m not doing?”. And know that sometimes this sounds trite, but it’s true because I’ve proven it time and time again. I’m I being faithful in reading and searching the scriptures and saying my prayers. And usually I’m not, so back on the bandwagon I get, and all is well with the world – again. Sometimes we get in the way of our own progression within the church. My philosophy is to serve and sit back and enjoy the ride.
I have a question for those of you who have had doubts about the church and even, perhaps, have left it. Many of you seem to have very understanding and supportive husbands. Has anyone had other experiences? Husbands that are hurt, angry, or remove themselves emotionally? I am on the very beginnings of a new spiritual quest(after 20 years in the church) and it has been a bumpy road so far.
this is from a guy’s perspective. for a couple of years i struggled with alot of the teaching of the church and christianity in general. my belief in god or any sort of higher power was nonexistent. i saw no logic at all in christian theology and didn’t even believe in life after death. i am fairly well read, having read everything from the encyclopedia of mormonism to the illustrated book of mormon. i’ve always been a thinker (perhaps not an understanderer) but i like to think. alot of the teachings of the church stopped making sense to me, things seemed monotonous at church, i got bored, and i stopped believing.
the only reason i went to church when i went was for my wife and children. great example of a priesthood holder, huh? when we were first married and dating, we talked about the gospel all the time; everything from the bible to conference talks. i don’t know what happened. i know it wasn’t overnight, but i just stopped buying what was being sold.
it’s taken years for me to come to terms with myself, my relationship with Christ, and find peace and reconcilliation with the church.
i didn’t have a single epiphany that led me back. it’s been a long and rocky road and difficult for my wife who has the ability to accept things on faith that i require evidence and proof of. i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that God exists, that he is aware of my struggles, and He knows more than i do and there are some things that i just cannot know. i had to start at square one with prayer. i just remember praying and praying and praying and then praying some more and trying to understand if i was feeling what i was feeling because i wanted to feel it or expected it, or if it was from above.
doctrine and convenants section 9 has been crucial in me finding some semblance of peace in my life again.
pray during boring lessons. pray during sacrament. pray in the toilet while hiding from members or skipping classes. i just had to pray. the great irony as i look back is that when i started to have doubts and fell out of belief, it all started about when i stopped praying. i had to pray to find out if God existed. i had to pray to find out if i should be going to church, if the bible is true as well as the book of mormon. i had to pray to find out if my marriage was truly valid. i prayed to find out if the leadership of the church was under His direction. i prayed to know if there was more to life than what i was experiencing. i especially had to pray to find out about life after death and the true nature of families. it was a struggle that took years.
am i totally cured of doubts and questions? no. am i at peace? yes. do i believe that satan was rejocing in my disbelief? abso-freeking-lutely. i felt physical as well as spiritual resistance on my road back. it has truly sucked at times. the comfort and peace i feel now though is awesome.
god bless and good luck.