by Jessawhy
With at least two like-minded feminists in my ward, I’m beginning to feel a little bolder in expressing my feminism at church. My husband reminds me that my personality is intense and feminism can be my hammer and sometimes everything I see becomes a nail. So, I take this analogy into account in my comments at church. I’d like to think that some people my know a lean liberal, but most don’t think of me as a feminist.
That all changed at church yesterday. Because Stake Conference is next week, we had fast and testimony meeting. After the sacrament portion of the service, a bishopric member (the one who talked to me about the Pinewood Derby change), began talking about how exciting it was for a family to have a son newly ordained to be a deacon passing the sacrament. He explained that our ward has a tradition to have his older brothers and father pass the sacrament with him. He recognized and praised the boy and his family for the honor of passing the sacrament.
As this man, who was not the father of this boy, spoke about the priesthood ordinances and offices and recognition, I felt something was missing. I felt left out. Women don’t have this milestone (or many like it) in our church, and sometimes they are not recognized for the significant contributions they do make to the church and the world.
So, when people started going to bear their testimonies, I felt that feeling that I haven’t felt in years. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, my heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. I knew I needed to get up and say something. I needed to have integrity and be true to myself and my beliefs, and recognize the contributions of women in the church.
Then my two youngest sons started fighting and screaming over who got to sit on my lap, so I stood up, resolving the feud by getting rid of the lap all together. (One of my dear friends sitting behind me reached over and grabbed my baby who sat with her the entire meeting. Ah, the blessings of sisterhood.)
As I approached the stand, I was very nervous and at the microphone, I told everyone I didn’t know why I was up there. I just felt like I should speak what was in my heart.
Then I talked about struggling with my testimony over the last two years, and seeing the church in a new way: seeing my relationship with God as separate from my relationship with the church.
I mentioned how much I loved my family and God, then I talked about women.
“Women in our church are strong and good. They have so much to share and give. Women can bless and heal, they can love and serve. Women have the opportunity for salvation and for a relationship with God.”
I emphasized how important it is to recognize women’s gifts because we have just as many daughters as sons.
Then I closed in Jesus’ name.
On my way down from the stand, I realized the irony of my last comment, as I have three sons and zero daughters.
After I sat down, the reality of what I had done set in and I was scared, embarrassed, overwhelmed, and ready to go home. I had done something that I only imagined doing, but never expected I would really do. It was scary to be so vulnerable to the rest of the ward. I hoped that there was a reason I felt prompted, as it were.
Still, I resolved to stand tall and smile at everyone who passed me, not letting my insecurity keep me from being the friendly person I am at church. When I walked the halls, a few people spoke kind words, but some of my closest friends avoided making eye contact. Even my husband responded, “It doesn’t matter” when I asked him on the way home what he thought of my testimony.
Really, he’s right. I am struggling to find my place in this church. I need to be more honest with ward members I have known and loved for years. Lucky for me, one of my favorite feminists is in my ward and she told me later how touched she was by my testimony. It brought her to tears, both during the meeting and later throughout the day. She said that my courage had helped her resolve concerns she’d been struggling with over the last week. Hearing her perspective gave me peace and helped me feel appreciated for my very unusual testimony.
By coming out of the feminist closet yesterday, I have opened myself up for a lot of possible responses from my ward. Perhaps I’ll feel more loved, perhaps I’ll feel more marginalized or rejected. Or, perhaps by holding on to my stake inside this tent that is supposed to have room for everyone, I make room for other women like me to come out of the feminist closet, too.
Several people have commented that they think we should be giving young men less recognition instead of giving young women more. I could not disagree more! We are losing an incredibly high number of the youth and especially high numbers of young men, the last thing we should do is make them less present in our worship. Instead we should change the empty rhetoric that surrounds the granting of the Aaronic Priesthood to something that is meaningful and understandable to young men. I think it would be hard for young boys to really get the nebulous concept that is priesthood; passing the sacrament and serving the ward family together is something that a young man can put into context.
Along with that, I don’t know if Davis and others who have voiced this opinion have forgotten what it’s like to be a 12 year old girl but it is awkward and lonely. All the Beehives that I know crave attention and validation. They want to be helpful, to serve, to feel God’s love. I really don’t see how it would hurt to give our young women this sense of validation in our public meetings. Yes, maybe some girls are provided this by their own parents but this certainly is not true for all. Not all parents are able or willing to give the support that girls this age need. That leaves the responsibility to us as a community to find a way to keep our young women from falling into self-destructive behaviors they will turn to if they feel invisible.
We need to get real, if we don’t find some way to make the church meaningful to the young women and young men, we will lose them. And with that loss, we will also lose the potential progress that our church can make.
I agree with those who say that we should not lessen the recognition we give the young men who hold the priesthood. If it seems like it’s not a big deal to us, it may not seem like a big deal to them. And, let’s be honest, it is a big deal. It is the power to act in God’s name. If that’s not important and urgent then I don’t know what is. So let’s leave the men alone on that.
However, I also agree that the young women should be made to feel that their accomplishments are equally important. Based on the comments here, I guess that I have been very lucky with bishops. I have always had bishops who openly recognize the progress of the young women in their YW achievements. They have even mentioned over the pulpit that earning the YW medallions is as grueling as earning the Eagle Scout — perhaps more so. The girls are given public recognition in the wards that I have been in. It appears that the wards I have been in do exactly what several of you are wishing would be done.
I agree with the most recent comment my mraynes. We do need to remember what it was like to be Beehives. I would have liked more recognition akin to the ones the boys received along with priesthood ordinations. However, we can run the risk of alienating girls further if the recognition we give is too contrived. It would have to be something genuinely meaningful. What would be equal to priesthood ordinations?
JKS, Will you make a big fuss over your sons when they have their first wet dream?
While I agree that menstruation is a good coming-of-age marker (and I’ve even blogged about it here before), it’s also problematic on several levels. IMO, duties like passing the sacrament should be given to teens as they feel prepared to take them on (like a patriarchal blessing is done). There are many 12 year-old boys who don’t feel ready for the priesthood and there are many girls of that age who would be wonderful deacons. It should be about personal choice and preparedness and not about a birthday.
Jess.
I made a comment a few days ago, but my sign in has been having trouble, so I see it didn’t show up.
What I think is beautiful about this testimony, about the fact that Alisa commented in Relief Society, about the fact that Jana is steering her own boat is the singular idea that you women are living authentically.
You are living with courage.
You are living with your own truth.
You are being the woman that you see yourself being.
I love that. I love what each of you have done and thought and said this past week.
Thank you for your contributions to the world around you!
Jessawhy,
I am glad to have stumbled onto this sight and blog. It’s nice to have found another active lds woman who shares the same views. Girl Power! lol
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Jess, you are fabulous. I totally got tears when I read this. I have started thinking lately that I shouldn’t be afraid to be more authentic. If people don’t like it, I hope that (especially if they have been close to me) even if it is hard at first, that it eventually it changes things for the better. Because it may help them or me to stretch and grow. Wish I had been there.
I am with mark on this one. it doesn’t matter what other people think. it doesn’t matter. really. you are you and if they can’t accept you for that, then well who cares.
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