I teach High School. I see a lot of things every day that I am pretty sure most parents don’t know exist. I would have a hard time imagining it if I wasn’t in the heart of it.
Last week, one of my blossoming 16 year olds (actually, she has already blossomed in a beautiful way–a gorgeous young woman with a body any 25 year old would envy) came in and told me that the health teacher, a 67 year old LDS man, taught the class that any woman who had sex without being married was a prostitute. The exact conversation went something like this:
HEALTH TEACHER: “Now, girls, you know that many of you give into sex because you want a guy to like you. What would you call girls who do that?”
YOUNG WOMAN: “Um, are you trying to say that they are manipulative?”
HEALTH TEACHER: “No, not that. I’m trying to say that there is a certain word for girls who give away sex without being in a solid relationship, without being married.”
YOUNG WOMAN: “I don’t think I know what you mean.” Even though she did know what he meant. The entire class did. One boy shouted out the right answer.
BOY: “Uh, a prostitute?” General laughter ensued.
HEALTH TEACHER: “You said it, I didn’t.”
The young woman came in to talk to me after the class because she was very disturbed. This is not the first time the Health teacher has said inappropriate things, especially to her. A few months ago when someone came in to teach the kids about diseases, this young woman asked a question about mono. The Health teacher said, in front of the class, “Well, if you’d stop kissing all those boys you wouldn’t have to worry about mono.” This man knows nothing about this young girl or her interactions with boys, but he sure likes to pretend that he does. And honestly, it has hurt this girl’s self esteem.
This same girl– incredibly sure of herself, of her intelligence and beauty…perhaps a bit intimidating to most people her age (and maybe her Health teacher?)–had another interesting experience. There was a “Dress for Success” day at school and she came dressed in a pencil skirt, a fitted blouse, and heels. She looked gorgeous, not slutty, not homely, but perfectly lovely. She came in at the end of the day upset by all the things that the male population had commented to her that day. Whistles, catcalls, comments about her being easy. Again, this girl did look like a beautiful, classy twenty five year old business woman, but should she she have to endure all those comments?
This got me thinking about purity and the myths surrounding that topic.
Here is a quote from a recent article you can find here:
“There is a moral panic in America over young women’s sexuality — and it’s entirely misplaced. Girls “going wild” aren’t damaging a generation of women, the myth of sexual purity is. The lie of virginity — the idea that such a thing even exists — is ensuring that young women’s perception of themselves is inextricable from their bodies, and that their ability to be moral actors is absolutely dependent on their sexuality. It’s time to teach our daughters that their ability to be good people depends on their being good people, not on whether or not they’re sexually active.
So what are young women left with? Abstinence-only education during the day and Girls Gone Wild commercials at night! Whether it’s delivered through a virginity pledge or by a barely dressed tween pop singer writhing across the television screen, the message is the same: A woman’s worth lies in her ability — or her refusal — to be sexual. And we’re teaching American girls that, one way or another, their bodies and their sexuality are what make them valuable. The sexual double standard is alive and well, and it’s irrevocably damaging young women.”
My burning question is isn’t there a better way to deal with women’s sexuality than the two extremes constantly presented? Why can’t we, as a culture, move past the Madonna/Whore cliches?
One of the greatest challenges parents face is helping girls and young women (and boys and young men also) confront the dehumanized, sexualized views of women in the media. We need to talk to our children in age-appropriate terms about beauty and sacred nature of sexuality from an early age. We cannot allow the media to supercede our role as parents in teaching our children about virtue, and chastity, sexuality.
As a mother, I regret not teaching these concepts more proactively. I underestimated the role of music, movies, television shows, and magazines in defining a youth’s sexual values.
As a Rape Recovery Center volunteer, I am amazed that many of our youth do not understand what constitutes rape. Since an astonishing number of girls and women are raped in the US (1/4 to 1/3), we also need to teach sexual assault prevention and recovery to our youth.
And thus we see the benefits of the public education system, a fairly recent invention with modest results.
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ScienceDaily (Mar. 12, 2008) — “A new CDC study estimates that one in four (26 percent) young women between the ages of 14 and 19 in the United States – or 3.2 million teenage girls – is infected with at least one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases (human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia, herpes simplex virus, and trichomoniasis). The study, presented today at the 2008 National STD Prevention Conference, is the first to examine the combined national prevalence of common STDs among adolescent women in the United States, and provides the clearest picture to date of the overall STD burden in adolescent women.”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080312084645.htm
I believe there is strong empirical evidence for concern for both boys and girls. An emphasis on virtue could not be more timely. Considering the flood of direct messages from the world that glorify immorality I believe a direct counter response is clearly merited.
Because its not what we’re teaching the girls, its what is NOT being taught to the boys. They are the ones that promote the madonna/whore complex.
Super cool and necessary post with awesome comments!
I appreciate your posts. I was amazed at your candor regarding your own sexuality in a post a month or so ago – no longer available online. I’m sorry that many of the reactions were so stridently unhelpful. We seem unable to discuss rationally alternatives to monogamous marital sexuality. I applaud you for trying.
This isn’t the best, but, @ times, this article does have its good moments. Think what you will (btw, & as you know, simply type in ‘sex’ on LDS.org).
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=e6737befabc20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=e1fa5f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD