by Caroline
Last summer, when I was nine months pregnant with my second child, I was overcome with feelings of vulnerability. I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen to me and the children if Mike died. After all, my own father unexpectedly died when I was a toddler, leaving my mom to raise two small children alone.
So even though we had already purchased the maximum life insurance package that Mike’s work offered, I sought out an additional policy, doubling the original amount. This made me feel marginally better, but I’m still haunted by that vulnerable feeling, a vulnerability that goes beyond worries about Mike dying.
I think that one major reason for these feelings is the fact that
that it’s been a year and half since I last earned my own paycheck. For the first time in our marriage, I now depend utterly on Mike’s income. I depend utterly on Mike. As the saying goes, I am one man’s paycheck away from poverty. (Well, it’s not really that dire since we do have savings, but that’s still how I feel.)
This dependency is an unsettling feeling. While I know that legally half of everything Mike makes belongs to me, I still often feel like it’s really Mike’s money, not mine. When I go out to dinner with my grad student girlfriends, I like to grab the check, wave my credit card, and announce, “It’s on Mike tonight!” Of course I’m joking, but a part of me thinks it’s true. My fun evenings, my unnecessary shopping expenditures, my ridiculously expensive graduate classes… my frugal husband funds them all. As I tell him occasionally, he’s my sugar daddy now.
I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings of vulnerablity and dependency, which have sharpened so considerably since the advent of our second child. Perhaps some of you have some good ways to intellectually approach this situation.
- If you are married, have you experienced feelings of vulnerability and dependency in your marriage? Why or why not?
- Do any of you have advice on how to deal with these feelings?
- Men, do any of you experience these feelings of dependency?
I completely understand these feelings. I feel very dependent, and not always in that good interconnected way. I also know that I am important to our family and the work I do is valuable, but on a bad day, wow, overwhelmed I am.
Like Naismith said, my being home has allowed us to move a lot for my internship and his current post-doc, not counting his ability during his PhD to really work when he needed to. My not working during that time has put us in a precarious financial state. We hang on, but I do the finances, and man I worry. When we made the decision for me to stay home we knew least 1/2 if not 3/4 of my salary would have gone to daycare and our home life would have been so chaotic. I do not think either my husband, myself or our children would have thrived. The cost did of care vs. work and our sanity led me to stay home. Over the six years I have come to like it and appreciate it much more, or maybe that is having kids out of diapers.
My kids are now in school and although we will likely move in 6 months for my husbands job, I am looking for my first job in 6 1/2 years. Part time of course, because my husband is still in training and has to be the greatest employee he can be for recommendations, etc. That is what makes me mad. My, hopefully soon, first job back and I feel like I can’t really commit to it because of the home demands and a likely move in a few months. I am terrified!!!
Whoops.. My husband’s internship.
This is an interesting post – with interesting comments. I’ve been married twice. In my first marriage, I experienced a lot of what you feel – vulnerability and dependence on my husband (once I had decided to become a stay-at-home mom). Anyways, we ended up getting divorced, then I was a single mom for a while.
Being a single, working mother of 2 toddlers IS SOOOOO HARD! Sure, I was no longer dependent on anyone else, but I did have two little ones dependent on me. I didn’t have enough to give. Even though we were fine, financially, I didn’t have the energy to read to them, to play with them, etc. Because of the overwhelming nature of single-parenthood, I’d often joke, “I need a wife!”
Now, I’m remarried. My husband adopted my two older daughters, and we’ve had another. I stay at home, and he works. And I don’t feel vulnerable/dependent. I realize that he is just as dependent on me as I am on him. We are interdependent. I make this home run like a (pardon the cliche) well oiled machine. He doesn’t have to worry about bills, laundry, food storage, etc. I really take care of it all.
Davis, I was interested to hear your perspective advocating dependency (for both partners). It’s also good to hear from a man who has been on both sides of the (financial) dependency spectrum.
Susan, thank you for sharing your new experience of SAHM-hood to an 18 year old. It’s helpful to hear the stories of women who are navigating these waters. I totally agree with you that “there will always be a price to pay.”
Thanks, Kelly Ann. I love the fact that you single gals are sharing your experience.
Jessawhy, I think I’ve also sort of been annoyed at my teenage self for stressing out so much in high school. I could have gotten into the same college and worked A LOT less hard. I am however happy that I worked hard in college. Because I’m in the process of applying to PhD programs, I’m seeing that the work I put in at that time actually still does mean something. I’m sure the same will be the case for you when you decide what to pursue when the time comes.
M&M asked,
“Could some of it be simply as part of the transition pain from full-time, focused, independent career woman, to woman now wearing many different hats (most of them thankless, thankyouverymuch)?”
Yes, I think that is definitely part of it. I think the fact that I always had expectations of career (even if only part time) makes it a hard transition. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, M&M.
Emily U, I’m so glad you shared the other side of the story when you said, “I will say working is not all it’s cracked up to be, especially with kids.” I really do hear you. I only worked part time as a high school teacher when I had a child, and I know it would have been so so hard if it had been full time. I wonder if this whole thing is a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation, with perhaps the ideal (for most) being working part time?
lulubelle, I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I’m so glad your own determination to maintain independence helped see you through that traumatic time of divorce.
Great points, Naiah. I think that way of doing it – only checking if it’s above a certain threshold – is a good way to do it. In my marriage, it’s more a matter of checking if it’s a certain type of product. Mike likes to have a say on anything electronic, but I don’t talk to him at all about clothing purchases.
bell, I loved reading your story and hearing about your husband’s experience as the financially dependent one. Very interesting. I’m so glad you love your career – while I’m sure it’s difficult to grapple with the idea that you probably won’t be home full time with your baby, it sure is wonderful that you have something to contribute to the community that you love.
Emily U,
Interesting to think about putting monetary value on what I do. I think perhaps part of my problem self-esteem wise with staying home is the knowledge that it would be far cheaper for Mike to replace me than it would be for me to replace Mike. I think my next post might have something to do with this – the idea that I have a lot more at stake in keeping this marriage together than Mike does.
Angie, “But I was always aware that my and my children’s survival and prosperity depended on his good will” Exactly! I think that ties in with the comment I was making to Emily.
Elizabeth W, thank you for sharing your story about tithing in an interfaith marriage. That does add a different, more difficult dimension to the idea of ‘our money’
M&M, I don’t think you’re minimizing my feelings.
I’m so glad you’re sharing your thoughts – very helpful.
MJK, I’m glad your comment pointed to the difficult economic situation so many people are in these days with unemployment, low salaries, huge loans, etc. It’s good for me to keep in mind that I am so lucky because I really did choose to quit my job. Nothing was ultimately forced upon me.
miles, I’t's good to hear you’ve come to appreciate SAHM-hood more and more. I agree, having kids out of diapers is huge! Best of luck with finding a wonderful part time job.
chococatania,
I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to be a single working parent. I’m so glad that things have worked out so beautifully for you with your second husband.
I’m chiming in along with D’Arcy as a single person who has supported herself financially for 18 years…
It has been important for me to learn to make my own money, and experience the security that can come with that ability. I do not think it’s important for everyone, both men and women, to have this experience. Perhaps the best question to ask is, “What do I need to learn right now?” I wonder if, at some point, I will no longer need to apply this lesson in my life – and move on to learning financial dependence on someone else – to experience that vulnerability, and be okay with it.
p.s. I think I can say this here, but homemaking is not working. I understand that we like to parse the terms “paid” and “unpaid” work, but unless someone hands you a check at the end of the day and you pay taxes on that income – you are not working (I understand that we could stretch and say that the husband’s paycheck is “paying” his wife, etc., but that reasoning holds very little weight in my eyes).
It is supremely important that women understand the difference because to not, decreases the value of both. I think it would be offensive and unfair to compare a mother’s work to that which I do each day. These activities have nothing to do with each other, other than they both take time and effort. Work that produces cash is not the same as the mothering work. To equate these activities is to diminish both.
Janna,
I must respectfully disagree. Just because someone does not receive a wage for his/her labor, it does not invalidate the effort of that labor. Homemaking is surely “work”. By the strict definition of the BLS it may not be employment, but it is work nonetheless. Those who raise their own sustenance without monetary reward are not working? If you were to argue that they are paying themselves in crops that they consume, then fine. Homemakers pay themselves in the value added to their home by the homemaking itself, and thus are “working”.
I also disagree with Janna. If mothers were paid or recognized in terms Social Security credits (quarters worked), it might encourage mothers to do the most important work, and to feel validated in doing so. Here is a link to one organization who works toward getting women economically recognized for ‘working’ at home: https://www.mothersoughttohaveequalrights.org/about-us.html
The FAQ link is probably more helpful: https://www.mothersoughttohaveequalrights.org/faq.html
I completely disagree with the movement to economize mothering because it makes it into a commodity, and in our faith tradition, parenting is considered a divine calling, not a paid job. If we are to follow the economizing of mothering reasoning, then fathering should also be financially compensated.
I can tell by Anon’s and Elizabeth’s comments that they think I don’t consider mothering work – by all means, of course it is! (I’m sorry I thought I made myself clear by acknowledging the parsing of the terms paid/unpaid work). My point is to validate Caroline’s concern that women who are not formally educated or who do not have extensive work experience prior to staying at home may be unprepared to support themselves or their family in the even their partner is unable to do so because the long and short of it is that many employers do not consider the skills gained by being a stay-at-home mother an asset in their company.
I think your last point is great, Janna. Whether it’s fair or not, most employers aren’t going to give a lot of weight to the years a person spends homemaking and child rearing.
“Whether it’s fair or not, most employers aren’t going to give a lot of weight to the years a person spends homemaking and child rearing.”
They should, and we shouldn’t be shy about speaking up about what we learned during those years. I am so pleased that the top research administrator on my campus, when she introduces herself at speaking gigs and classes, mentions that she was home raising children for almost 20 years, and that what she learned there helped qualify her for her current high-pressure job.
Hi Caroline
I appreciate your post and certainly identify with it. When I was pregnant with #3 and home with a one year old and an autistic 3 year old, it became crystal clear that I was in a vulnerable position. My husband and his career were not looking so dependable. I had not worked since college.
Anyway, I launched a business that year, before the baby was born. I worked feverishly at home for several years growing my business and now I work out of the home. (Our kids now have full-day school situations)
I’m very happy with how it worked out. I know my husband appreciates not carrying 100% of the financial pressure. Of course, I couldn’t have done this level of working from home while still carrying a full load of childcare and housecare duties. I have a true 50-50 participant in terms of parenting and housework, and a husband who is home from work by 5 so he can pick up the children and cook dinner most days.
I got married right out of college to a man I had known for 4 months. Turned out he had several serious addictions I did not know about before and turned out he was physically abusive. I got out in under a year, but that experience changed me.
I can’t be so dependent on a man anymore. I couldn’t take another man’s name. No more Mrs. anybody. I have to feel like my own person.
I’m remarried now (to literally the kindest, most trustworthy man in the world) and I’m getting my PhD at a great school. The thought of losing connection with the professional contacts I have developed now feels akin to losing my own identity. To being subsumed into my husband’s identity. To disappearing.
I have done great things with my work, accomplished things I never thought this little Mormon girl could accomplish. I am so proud of what I have done, what I have become. I love making my own money. I love making a name of my own. I love having a separate world from my husband, just like he has a separate world of his own from me. We are very happy and unified, and for me to be able to do this, I need to have my own stuff.
So – vulnerability is part of it. But terror at losing myself is another huge part of it. I could never disappear from the work world. That’s just me though. Not preaching for anyone else.
Pingback: Women Have a Greater Stake in Keeping their Marriages Together: Vulnerability Part II « The Exponent