About 10 years ago I graduated from BYU with a degree in Political Science and an emphasis in American politics.  Since then, I’ve been passionate about advocacy and have lobbied on Capitol Hill and the Arizona state capitol several times on behalf of various groups and policy initiatives.  I wish I could say that it’s rewarding volunteer work, but most often I find myself advocating for policies that my elected representatives don’t support.  Although I’m sometimes frustrated and think they are wrong and I am right, I know that we are both trying to create a society based on the values that we hold most dearly. The problem is there are so many values, some contradictory, and we don’t all rank them in the same order. For example, perhaps my legislator ranks fiscal responsibility as his highest priority and I rank health care for all citizens as my highest priority.  Chances are we won’t support the same kinds of bills, or will have a lot of compromising to do to achieve our goals.   Our job as citizens is to choose representatives whose values most closely align with ours.

Thus, when someone who disagrees with a current policy says they hate the government, and want to get rid of all government, I shake my head and think, “But we ARE the government.”  That’s the point of a civilized society, to create a system that allows us to work together for the good of all.  Once we start thinking about the government as “it” or something hostile to be taken down, then we’ve done ourselves a great disservice.

That’s the beauty of a democratic republic.  “We the people” make this nation great.  Our voices can be heard, our votes matter.

In some ways, this applies to our church membership. The more I think about the church as a faceless patriarchy of Borg-like robots, I find myself unwilling to see the good and find only the bad.  Although there are many church policies and practices that are harmful to women, I sometimes forget that we are members of the church in a similar way to being members of a country.  This is our church too, and we can make a difference by staying and saying, “No.” or “I want something more.” Additionally, church members aren’t wrong just because they disagree with me.  We are both trying to make a religious community based on the values that we hold most dear.  Often, they privilege different values than I do- they may value obedience to church leaders above equality when I value them in reverse.  While this may lead to disagreements about how we view certain doctrines or policies, it doesn’t mean that we are enemies in a zero sum game.
While the church is clearly not a democracy, and this analogy breaks down upon further scrutiny, it’s still useful to see myself as part of the organization, not in opposition to it.  That’s why I hope there is always room for respectful dissent and garden-variety heretics in the LDS church.

Saturday was the Phoenix Gay Pride parade.  Although I was pretty much along for the ride, I was thrilled to march with my two sons holding signs we made that said, “LDS Heart LBGT” or “Scouts for Equality” (I wore my cub scout mom shirt) and “Mormons for Marriage Equality.”

Thanks to all of the people who organized the Mormons for Marriage Equality, we had a great turnout. The signs, banners, and rainbows made me so proud to be a Mormon and supporter of gay rights. It felt good to be speaking up for something that I care about, like feminism, but am not directly affected by.    But, even though I’m not gay, I am invested in the fight for gay rights.  In addition to friends and acquaintances, I have a sister who is bisexual. I want to make sure that she knows I support her and want her to have the right to marry whomever she chooses.

Friday Night
It’s an unfamiliar scene, I’m at a country dancing bar, surrounded by cowboy hats and boots, listening to twangy music that’s foreign to me.  If it sounds like I’m not enjoying myself, I am. Partner dancing-  country, swing, and ballroom- was one of my favorite pastimes in high school and college. Although that was awhile ago, I still love it and country dancing is a popular type of partner dancing in Arizona.  Unfortunately, my husband is not interested in joining me, so I go with my cousin when she visits, which he doesn’t seem to mind. This means it the second time in my adult life I’ve been to a country bar. What I find are couples  dancing the two step and country swing, spinning and twirling around the dance floor.
This time, as I watch the dance floor to see which guys know how to lead, and waiting for one of them to ask me to dance, I get bored and ask a guy next to me if he knows how to dance. Unfortunately, it’s so loud he doesn’t hear my question and thinks I’ve just asked him to dance. Which wouldn’t be a problem if he could dance, and was sober. But, I’ve just lost the Texas Roulette and this guy is not a winner. He’s holding my hand and back SUPER tightly and swaying around like a drunk person.

 As part of her New Year’s resolution, a friend of mine is trying to watch a few TED talks a week.  Together we were revisiting Brene Brown’s moving TED talk on vulnerability as a key to emotional connection and I was struck by her use of the word, “worthiness.” (Many, hopefully most, of you have seen this talk, it was given in 2010. If you haven’t seen it, I’d suggest you take 20 min and watch it, especially with someone you love. It’s well worth the time). MRaynes blogged about Dr. Brown’s book here.

In Mormon culture, we hear worthiness so often associated with a checklist of behaviors we may or may not do, according to current church teachings and policies (these have changed widely over the years).  Even things as small as the number of earrings a girls wears, the length of her hem, or if she wears a skirt or pants to church may fall into the worthiness category.  For me, the notion of worthiness sometimes brings with it feelings of guilt of not being perfect. Perhaps this has to do with how worthiness is gauged by someone outside ourselves, often a priesthood leader.  Also, there are so many categories to measure our worthiness, we’re bound to not hit them all, and often feel guilty about our shortcomings.  Additionally, I wonder if it’s also part of a culture of guilt within Mormonism.  Needless to say, worthiness is not a word that makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  I’ve never really associated it with connection to others or really even about something I would determine for myself.

That was why I was so surprised that Dr. Brown describes the main difference between two groups of people: those who feel strong connections with others and those who don’t, as an issue of worthiness.

As part of a  New Year’s Resolution to work on our marriage, Mark and I have been reading books about relationships, seeing a therapist, and working on other ways to tune-up our interactions.  For the most part, this post will be an overview of our efforts, with vignette about a particularly important therapy session that helped me re-frame my relationship with Mark.

I’m happy to report that while the year has been full of ups and downs, it’s been more up than down.  And beyond just having good times, it seems like Mark and I are drawing closer in a way that gives me confidence for the future.