I lay in the hospital bed with my legs in the stirrups. I had given birth four times already, but this time I was both the birther and the birthed. I was done having babies so I was having a simple procedure done to eliminate the monthly struggle that comes with being a woman. Everything was going fine until my body suddenly reacted negatively to the pain medication. It started with numb lips. I asked if that was normal and the next thing I knew I couldn’t talk. I knew the words and I could move my mouth, but I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. Soon my consciousness seemed completely disconnected from my body. I could think rationally and nod my head in response to questions, but I couldn’t speak. I could only use my body when the function required one step. I could move my hand, but I couldn’t do anything with it.
My body shook uncontrollably. “Are you cold?”
I nodded my head. I didn’t feel cold, but I knew I probably was.
They moved a heater over to me. “Can you feel that?”
I shook my head. All of a sudden I started crying uncontrollably. Then I was laughing. Worst of all was my inability to speak. I wanted to shout and scream and let the doctor know that I was fine and I understood what was going on and I felt nothing, and yes, it was okay if they continued on with the procedure. But I couldn’t say anything and the doctor and nurse had no idea what to do. Like a newborn baby, my body was not under my control. I was simply a consciousness in a body that I didn’t feel fully attached to. I felt that symbolically I had become a baby, much the way I have spiritually become a baby in the last several months. Once the effects of the medication wore off and I regained control over my body again, I realized how powerless a newborn baby must feel. No wonder I see sheer delight on the face of my two year old because she just learned to jump. That ability to master something that we previously had no power over is amazing.
Giving birth can be an empowering experience, but being birthed feels powerless. Being the birther of my own feminine soul has been empowering, at the same time that it has made me feel powerless. When we give birth, we take something precious within us, something we have created, nurtured, and hidden inside, and we send it out into the world. The life we have brought into existence needs a lot of care, patience, and nurturing at first, but once it grows in its ability to control itself, it has the power to change the world. This is what happens when we give birth to our feminine souls. This precious life and power that is hidden in us can awaken through birth. After a time of nurturing, we send it out into the world to awaken the feminine soul of the world. It is through our individual births and awakenings that we awaken the collective female consciousness and change the world.
Two years earlier I began the labor pains that would bring about the birth of my feminine soul. I was in labor with my last child. It was 1am the night before she was born and I couldn’t sleep because the pain was too great. I went downstairs and turned on the tv, a dangerous prospect at that time of night. After flipping through half a dozen infomercials, I came to a documentary on health care for women in Afghanistan. As the pain swelled in my abdomen I watched women giving birth in dirty run down hospitals, most of them having no hope for their baby’s life. One woman was asked if she was worried, as the doctor tried to resuscitate her premature baby. Her eyes bore into mine as she said, “No, she will live or she will die. That’s the way it is.” I thought about the life within me and the joy that I felt in between contractions, knowing I would soon meet this new little human who would change me. I wept for the mothers who were bereft of the hope I felt. I wept for the women who suffered from fistulas, acid burned faces, and painful infections.
These weren’t just some women on the other side of the earth. They were me and I was them. For a moment we shared the pain and burden of being a woman on this planet, and I was forever transformed by that moment. I attribute this power of connection to the Divine Feminine, Heavenly Mother in all her glory. She is the midwife who patiently, lovingly guides us through our labor pains and helps us to birth our own divine feminine souls. This experience changed my consciousness, but I felt powerless to do anything for my sisters in developing countries. The next day I went to a brand new hospital and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. As I looked into her eyes, I saw the beauty and value that existed in her precious gift of life. Though she was powerless to do anything for herself at that moment, her birth alone had changed the world around her. Likewise, though I felt powerless to help my sisters who were suffering in other parts of the world, my birth and awakening to a consciousness in which they resided was one small part of changing the world. As I nurture my feminine voice and power, it will grow into a precious life that I can send into the world to change the feminine soul of the world and empower women everywhere.