Dear Sister Sassy: Raising a Stripling Warrior

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Sister Sassy is the Exponent’s resident Agony Aunt, answering all your pressing questions and dispensing wisdom from her pedestal.  To see other sterling examples of her guidance, see past posts here and here.

Dear Sister Sassy,

I’m expecting a boy, my first, in a few months. What advice do you have for raising a future priesthood holder?

                                                                         Mummy in Muncie

Dear Mummy,

May I be the first to congratulate you on fulfilling the measure of your creation? Finally you’re compensating for all your earthly failures. There are several important steps you can take right from the beginning to prepare your son to preside righteously.

First, when your husband is at work, defer to your son in choosing who should pray. This can be difficult when he is a newborn, but it is important to set righteous patterns from the beginning. If necessary, interpret the flopping of his head as wordless direction.

Second, get that baby a white collared shirt and a tiny tie. Don’t be one of those lazy mothers who just has a tie printed on a onesie, or heaven forbid just lets the baby wear pajamas to church like some kind of slovenly hoodlum. Are you trying to raise the sort of child who will never be an AP? I didn’t think so. Your doctor might say putting things around a baby’s neck is dangerous, but she isn’t the one who will have to bear the shame of a stateside mission call.

Finally, make sure you find some way of nursing him that shields him from seeing your breasts. It can certainly make latching tricky, but breasts are always sexual and you will become pornography to your baby if you’re always flaunting your areolae like a trollop. You want to set the example of righteous womanhood so that when he grows up he doesn’t look for a wife among the cleavage coven.

Dear Sister Sassy,

I was at a gathering where the person who prayed to bless the food forgot to mention the food at all! She spent the whole prayer just thanking God for stuff. Does this mean that the cookies we ate won’t nourish and strengthen my body like usual? And she didn’t even mention the hands that prepared it. Is that poor baker doomed to carpal tunnel syndrome?

Unblessed in American Fork

Dear Fork,

Officially we do not believe in transubstantiation as it applies to the sacrament, but if you read the Doctrine and Covenants footnotes carefully, you will see that it is possible to transform Cool Whip into kale if you have enough faith. Its a real pity this woman had so little concern for your ward. However, the blame is also on you for not adding an addendum of “and bless the food!” after everyone had said Amen. Next time make sure you add a post-script to her prayer, that way she’ll learn the correct pattern.

Don’t worry too much about carpal tunnel, as the wrists that prepared the food should be fine. I shudder to think of the state of the cook’s manicure though! The nicest nail polish is not going to mask the damage of unprayed-over cuticles. Don’t believe me? The next time someone is sustained in Sacrament Meeting, check out everyone’s fingers. If this selfish praying has been a pattern in your ward you’ll see problems ranging from hangnails to open sores. Approach the Bishop about devoting a fifth Sunday lesson to a combined workshop on prayer and Jamberry consultation (as an interim measure).

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7 Responses

  1. Violadiva says:

    Oh, sister sassy, I’ve been doing it all wrong!

    “…breasts are always sexual and you will become pornography to your baby if you’re always flaunting your areolae like a trollop”

    Nursing uncovered and on-demand is no way to raise a Captain Moroni! I’ll be modifying my nursing cover to attach a baby blindfold tonight!

    Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways!

  2. Caroline says:

    Sister Sassy, so glad you are back! You made my day. “interpret the flopping of his head as wordless direction.” Ha!!!

  3. Thank you Sister Sassy! Now that it is Conference weekend, my head is abuzz with new questions! I am raising three future priesthood holders (plus a girl) and I want to observe the Sabbath better than all my Mormon neighbors, who are watching church on TV in their sweatpants! How can we be the most righteous family on the block on Conference weekend, even without the divinely fulfilling opportunity to make my children sit silently and fold their arms through an hour and 15 minutes of Sacrament Meeting in the chapel?

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