Sturm und Drang
In my ward when they want to give you a calling (or release you from one) the ward clerk calls you at 7:30 am Sunday morning and asks if you can come to church a little early to meet with the Bishop. Last Sunday we got a call at 7:30 am asking if both of us (my husband and I) could come meet with the Bishop a few minutes before church. Unfortunately my kids had been sick in the middle of the night and at that point neither of us were planning on attending church. The ward clerk readily agreed that we should postpone the meeting for a later date.
I knew at least half of what they were intending to tell us. We have been in the nursery for a little under a year and a half. They recently called two more couples as nursery workers, and released the leaders of the other nursery. While I don’t know if they will give either of us new callings, they are almost certainly going to release us.
Due to my callings as a nursery worker and primary chorister I’ve attended Relief Society and Sunday School in my ward twice since moving in. Now for the first time there is a serious possibility that I will be attending these meetings regularly. And I’m not sure how I want to approach this.
Part of me is eager to spend some of the orthodoxy cred I’ve earned as a rock solid murmur-free Nursery worker and just say all of the outrageous unorthodox things I have swimming in my mind. On the other hand I’m also inclined to be a little less hasty and instead spend my time slowly, carefully sounding out the group and looking for the line that separates the orthodox from the heretics then walking that line slowly.
To me it comes down to deciding which is more important, authenticity and internal consistency, or good relationships with the real people that will be sitting in the pews next to me for the next several years. On another level it comes down to how my behavior reflects on those closest to me. Many are quick to blame a woman’s feminist ideas on the bad behavior of the men in her life. It makes me positively ill to know that someone will wonder what kind of monster Mr Starfoxy must be for me to think such things.
In some ways I’m so out of touch with my ward that the ideas I think are crazy and unorthodox might not make anyone even bat an eye. Though the opposite may prove true, and the things that I find perfectly normal may be so heretical that I’ll use up all my goodwill with one off-hand comment.
I really hope that I’m over thinking this and that I’ll find myself as happily at home with all the women in my ward as a fish in water.
Or maybe after all this planning and hand-wringing I’ll be called to teach sunbeams and it won’t matter anyways.