Last night we had a talk and I said that if he was going to refuse to go to Church on Sundays, he needed to find someplace he could go and serve instead, like a soup kitchen or a nursing home. This irritated and perplexed him.  “You just think I don’t want to go because I’m lazy.” Of course I think he’s lazy–he groans when I ask him to empty the dishwasher. When I told him that in our family, we serve each other and the community, and he couldn’t do that staying home watching Myth Busters, he countered that the three hours spent in Church are not service hours.

While that may be technically true, I disagreed. The connections I make on Sunday, the people I interact with, the stories I hear shared, and just observing my fellow saints, all this creates and/or enhances my willingness to reach out to others. His reply totally floored me. “Yeah, but it’s not like you spend three hours a week outside of church serving people.” Oh the cluelessness of a know-it-all teenager. I contemplated telling him about all the time and resources I have already spent this week–and it’s only Tuesday. But much of what I do would not qualify in his mind as “service.” For example today a few of us who work in YW busted our butts to fix the prom dress of one of our girls. My son would find it ridiculous to spend so much time and effort finding a way to add sleeves to a strapless dress so that it would cover a bit more flesh without ending up looking “too Mormon.” I did not inherit the modesty gene and thought the dress was fine. But to this YW, it mattered a lot. And even though I swear sometimes God rolls his eyes at me when I pray for all sorts of silly things, I know he listens and blesses me just the same.  So too I am trying to value the things that matter to the people around me. (And the dress looks gorgeous!)

And this is a big part of why I want my son at Church. I want him to notice who is feeling excluded. I want him to take the time to talk to the chatty, lonely sister who passes out programs. I want him to see that his YM leader has prepared the lesson specifically with him in mind, that he is loved by this community that has served him his whole life. And that they need him too. I can accept that he doesn’t believe. But you don’t have to believe in Christ to be Christ-like. So whether in an LDS chapel or a secular venue, I will teach my kids that charity is not optional.

Since then, other men, usually men I dated or close friends, including my husband, wished me Happy Mother’s Days. Most often, children I know—nieces, nephews, Sunday school children who all know I do not have the worldly status of “mother” have always wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. Dear, beautiful, precious close female friends also have wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. I’ve loved this and always felt that was… well… normal. So, when we first married, my husband and I made the choice to celebrate our pre-eternal selves. With this, we have always given each other gifts and celebrated each other for Father’s and Mother’s Days.

This always seemed quite normal to me, until one May when I went Visiting Teaching. At that time, my companion and one of the sisters we taught had toddler sons of similar age who often plays for hours in a very informal visit. The other two women asked each other and chatted openly about what they had been given for Mother’s Day. Thinking it a mistake to not ask me, I joined in. “In our house, we celebrate all women as mothers, so I received…” They both stared at me blankly, and said nothing. The shock on their faces was clear. I was not a mother to them. At all. I was later told that I did not have the spirit with me that day, and needed to be more prayerful before I spoke. I was confused and hurt by this… politics aside, if the prophets of the church teach that all women are mothers, why was it so wrong for me to enter a conversation about gifts I received celebrating my maternal nature? I still do not understand.

Yet even with my Mother’s Day includes me confidence, I usually skipped church on Mother’s Day and opted to indulge in simple joys. Last year, my husband and I gorged on scrumptious carbs at a local pancake shop, for example. But this year, I have a child in Sunbeams. And my new darling LOVES going to church. So I could not skip church because of my Mother’s Day anxiety. So I went. And it was weird. For the first time in my life, women who were not close friends, openly wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. It never struck me before that I had not be wished a Happy Mother’s Day by women in general, but for the first time, I had emails, texts and wishes from women wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day.

In particular, an acquaintance who had also dealt with a period of infertility, wished me a “Happy First Mother’s Day”. Her message made me angry. Did she really think that all of those Mother’s Days spent in emotional degradation were somehow not real? As if the day never occurred for me before?

Processing all of this, and trying to appeal to her conservative nature, my response was this:

Thanks for the Mother’s Day wishes! But it isn’t my first mother’s day. If we believe Sheri Dew and Julie Beck that all women are mothers/have mother’s hearts, regardless of birth status, then I have lived through decades of some good and some horrific Mother’s Days. To say this is my first Mother’s Day is like making all of those painful Mothers Days into nothing, which would then remove my empathy for childless women. I did go to church on this Mother’s Day, something I don’t normally do, and then as a family- we delivered cookies and wished friends and childless friends a Happy Mother’s Day with a visit. Do women only see women with children as Mothers? If so, why do you not believe Julie Beck and Sheri Dew?

Happy Mother’s Day to you, and all women, as it should be- even if you don’t have children.

Her curt reply stated that she believed all women were mothers, but that “it just feels different when you have your own little ones to watch over. It makes it a little more meaningful.” Hmmm. I agreed with her that it felt different, but to be honest, for me, it felt a little more vacant than normal. It was less meaningful, in a way. I think it is because I realised that women who have given birth by and large seem to only wish a Happy Mother’s Day to other women who have also given birth. That stung. It still does. I am still processing it. After all, it seems that women are the ones who refused to see me as a…. mother.  It triggered a memory of Sheri Dew’s talk, Are We Not All Mothers?. As a childless woman when I first heard that talk, I was relieved because I thought that women with children would then take me more seriously and understand that I had insights to offer them. Epic fail on that thought. Women with children assigned the talk to me as a band-aid for infertility, in complete opposition to what I thought the talk expressed, making the talk into part of the cadence of second-class Mormon womanhood.

But my acquaintance’s response did not end there. “Also, I think the women are more sensitive to the waiting for a baby moms and don’t want to wish them a happy moms day and hurt their feelings. You never know,” she wrote. I was floored. Is this why women in the past never wished me a Happy Mother’s day? Because they thought it was better to ignore me, and ignoring me was “more sensitive”? Hey, I get that not all childless women want to be wished a Happy Mother’s Day, some women with children probably don’t want to be wished a Happy Mother’s Day. But my heart bled because I was ignored on the day. Why go to church or speak to people on a day when they feel that it is best to ignore you? Is ignoring women without children really the best answer to the enigma that is Mother’s Day?

My head was still trying to process this when I spoke out loud to a non-Mormon friend. I told her how in years past, I realised that only very close friends, inclusive of women, men and children wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, but this year… women in general also wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, and I was perplexed as to why. Her response brought me some understanding. “I think that women who have kids get how hard it is,” she said. “So they wish a Happy Mother’s day to other mothers, especially single mothers because sometimes the dads don’t have the kids do anything.” Empathy! I can see why child-laden women might be more apt at wishing other child-laden women a Happy Mother’s Day because it is such an all-inclusive, exhausting job. But yet… is there no room for empathy for childless women? Have we come to a place where if we do not understand the place of another woman, we would rather assume and ignore rather than speak, celebrate, understand and comfort? Especially on the only Sunday of the year where the church meetings celebrate women?

I don’t know. And I am still wondering. Because this wasn’t my first Mother’s Day…. and I have the scars to prove it.

Did you wish a Happy Mother’s Day to any childless women or single fathers?

Have you ever asked a childless woman what she plans to do for Mother’s Day (and if you can join her)?

I wish we had room to fit everyone who wants to attend, but maybe a better option is to have more retreats to accommodate more women.  Do you want to attend a women’s retreat? Maybe you can think about planning an event like this for yourself.
Our retreat has been between 18-24 women, but a smaller retreat would be great also.  Here’s a basic overview of how I’ve planned the retreat and I hope that you can give suggestions or ask questions if you’d like to.

1. Determine a guest list and set a date. If you know a few like-minded friends, reach out and see if you can find friends or family members who can come. It is very important to me that our retreats be multi-generational, so I always invite women from our AZ MoFem group who have been meeting for 20+ years.  The depth of their experience adds so much to our retreat.  Also, many women are willing to fly, so you don’t have to restrict your list geographically.  Send out a survey of 2-3 dates (more is really tricky) and let people pick the best one. Most retreats do Friday night to Sunday morning, but we start on Thursday night.Be warned that many people will have conflicts, so keep your expectations low and invite at least twice as many people than you can accommodate and create a waitlist for the rest.

2.  Choose a location. We’ve had our retreats in California for 3 years, and once in Flagstaff, AZ.  I use VRBO.com to find a good rental home that will accommodate our size and other needs.  You can email and negotiate rates with owners, especially if you book a weekend in the off-season. We use rental homes because we can cook ourselves and are willing to share beds (it’s hard to find a place with 20 single beds unless you use a camp facility).

3. Contact a guest speaker, or choose someone from your group. It’s customary to pay for the woman’s flight and not make her pay for the cost of the retreat.

4. Set the price. Estimate the cost of meals and divide the cost of the rental. The first year I covered the $500 security deposit, but then we had extra so I had that in my account for the next year. You may want to discuss sharing the security deposit on the first year, or finding a place that doesn’t require one.  I usually build in 1 or 2 scholarships into the price so that a few people can come who couldn’t afford it otherwise.  The cost has been $90-150 per person each year.

5. Create content.  We usually have a variety of discussions, presentations, workshops, and panels that focus on a variety of topics. I don’t typically ask people to participate if it is their first year attending, but for the first time, everyone is new. Ask people what they want to talk about or if they have anything they could share. We always start with introductions, this year we did them Friday morning because we arrived Thursday night.  We have a timer and give everyone 3 min to talk about themselves and explain their situation and connection to Mormonism or feminism.

6. Food. I’ve been lucky to have a friend who is the food queen. Each meal is owned by someone, who creates the menus, buys the food (and gets reimbursed) and oversees the prep. Meal prep and clean-up are done by the rest of us. We try to take turns so no one has to work too much, although it doesn’t always happen that way. I also try to leave 30 min break before meals so that no one has to miss the sessions.

7. Free time and activities. Don’t forget to leave free time for relaxing and chatting, or exercising. One year at the Denver retreat we took a group to the hot springs and that was fun.

8. Communicate regularly with the attendees. It’s important to keep people in the loop. I learned by mistake this year (we had 8 new women) to send out bios ahead of time and bring name tags.

9. Music. We love to sing and it’s a good way to quiet down chatter. I have some music, some familiar hymns, some not, that Caroline put together a few years ago and we just bring it along. Singing creates a calm feeling for the group.

10. Staying on Time. It’s my job to keep things running on time or we end up eating lunch at 3 (which has happened). I post the agenda and meal schedule in prominent places and remind people of what is coming up so they can prepare. This year I had to adjust the schedule quite a bit, but it always works out fine.

Here is an outline of the agenda for this year’s Sophia Gathering that ended yesterday.  Each year I put together an agenda of people speaking and presenting on topics that are dear to them. I’ve worried in the past that people wouldn’t like the panels or sessions I’ve created, but this year I realized that the conversations that need to happen will happen regardless of what type of session I’ve put together.

I’ve left many of the participants off because this is just an outline of what we do.

Sophia Gathering Agenda

Thursday afternoon, dinner on your own (we went out to dinner, it was fun). Arrive and get settled.

7:00 PM Singing and welcome
7:30 Introductions (You will have 3 minutes to introduce yourself to the group if you are new, or give us an update of the past year if you are returning. If you won’t be here for the introductions, please let me know!)

9 PM Zumba

Friday
7:30 AM Yoga and Meditation-

8:30 AM Breakfast

9:15 AM Singing and Spiritual Thought
9:45 AM Accupressure Class with a focus on self care
10:45-12:15 AM  Discovering spirituality, alternate ways to reach the Divine and feed your soul. Learn more about paganism and other mystical practices with panelists.
Break for Lunch prep   (12 noon massages begin, see massage schedule)
12:45 PM Lunch

1:45 PM Singing
2 PM Plabric Class- We will learn the repurposing art of making plabric by fusing plastic together with an iron. Bring plastic bags and an old iron if you’d like.

3  PM Poetry Reading and Analysis
4-6 Open for hiking, massages, hot tub
6 PM  Dinner

7 PM Screening Miss Representation (85 min)
Discussion
9 PM Dessert

Saturday

7:30-8:30 Hiking

8:30-9:15 AM Breakfast

9:15 AM Singing and Spiritual Thought-

9:30-11 AM  On the Tension between Sex Equality and Religious Freedom a group discussion of Sunstein’s article.
Instead of a book discussion, this year we’re discussing a legal article.  Please read the attached article and this fMh post from 11-20-07 in preparation for the discussion.

11-12 Women and the Old Testament –  Textual Analysis of Jezebel by EmilyCC and a Scholarly Analysis of Midrash by Caroline
Are the Bad Girls of the Bible Really Bad?: a Feminist Interpretation of Jezebel

In the Bible, we often divide the women into the “good ones” (Esther, Ruth, Deborah), and the “bad ones” (Jezebel, Tamar, Miriam).  But, are these roles accurate?  By looking closely at the text, we can see that these “bad girls” are strong, smart women, who have, I think, been mischaracterized by the men writing and editing the Bible.  I’ll use Jezebel as my primary example.

12:30 PM Lunch

1:30-4 PM Free Time
Exponent Blogger meeting

4-5 PM International Women’s Issues
CARE, a humanitarian disaster aid group since 1945, now places emphasis on empowering women, because improving mothers’ education, health, and prosperity will result in their children having better chances to live, thrive, and prosper.
CARE works with local groups in Africa, Southeast Asia, and Latin America. I will share a recent project to fight malnutrition in Bangladesh, called SHOUHARDO. Scientific measurement found that efforts to combat the deeply entrenched disparities between women and men (i.e. woman empowerment), was a bigger factor in reducing stunted growth of children’s bodies and minds than the giving women and their children food.
We’ll also discuss the “War Against Women,” as it occurs in less developed countries. For vivid examples, read Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide, by Sheryl WuDunn and Nicholas D. Kristof

5-6 PM Resisting the New Patriarchy
As more men self-identify as feminists, are we experiencing equality? How do we overcome the social and cultural expectations of men and women in groups? Panel followed by discussion

Break for dinner prep

6:30 PM Dinner

7:30 Singing

8 PM Keynote Speaker- To stay, or not to stay; to believe or not to believe: those are our questions!  An open discussion about working through our relationship with Mormonism and Mormons.

Dessert

9 PM Free Time

Sunday

8 AM Hike or Yoga

8:30 AM Breakfast-

9 Singing and Spiritual Thought by mraynes

9:30 Open Meeting

I’m interested to hear what you think of retreats like this. Would you put one together? Would you attend one?

If you’ve come in the past, what did you like, what would you like to see changed?

If you have been to other retreats, what did you like or dislike about them?

Last weekend, our ward celebrated the anniversary of the priesthood commemoration by sending all the fathers and sons on a camp-out. As a feminist couple, Nate and I are troubled by this–If the priesthood is available to all, shouldn’t all be invited to celebrate its restoration?**

Fortunately, this is the sixth year in a row that my husband has either chosen not to go or missed the announcement about it entirely. So we’ve got a whole year until we have to worry about this again.  I’m interested in what others do.  Is our ward an anomaly?

**Actually, I’m not a big camper. If this is our ward’s chosen method of celebrating the priesthood commemoration, then, I’m ok missing out, but I want my daughter to have the choice as to whether or not she wants to celebrate in this way.

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There are many reasons why one would like Mother’s Day to be skipped over at church. First, Mother’s Day is a secular holiday and the devotion of a worship service to a cultural holiday is yet another specter of American culture creeping into the “gospel.” Second, the veneration and idolization of mothers hurts a myriad of people: women who want to be mothers but aren’t, women who have no desire to be a mother, women who struggle in their motherhood or feel trapped in it, women who have lost a child, people whose mothers were abusive or absent, people who live in families without a person in the role of “mother.” The talks end up speaking to a minority group in the congregation while the rest shift uncomfortably in their seats, eyeing the obligatory chocolates, ready to bolt at “In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

On the other hand, Mother’s Day is the one day that almost every talk is focused on women, or at least mentions women. It is entirely possible that for 51 Sundays in the year, every scripture will reference a man, every quote will come from a man, every life story and testimony will be about a boy or man coming of age and what he’s learned. But on Mother’s Day, there is a spark of hope that a woman’s name would be listed for every talk in the program, that someone will share scriptures and experiences directed at women, that a breath might be given to Heavenly Mother. We are dogs begging crumbs at the Master’s table.

I have been on both sides of this Mother’s Day war. I have spent my Mother’s Days rolling my eyes and sighing as well as hoping for a drop of gold. Is the motherhood rhetoric so drenched in “shoulds” that there’s almost no way to avoid hurting each other with it? Can we resurrect Mother’s Day from of guilt and shame? Or should we take the crumbs and run with them as far as we can? Should we even mention it at all?

Single and chaste is a precarious way to live. There are (at least) two sides to the situation. On one side, making the difficult and committed choice of chastity gives confidence and grows sensitivity for ones own body. One the other side, this unnatural way of life, leaves a hurt that is difficult and sorrowful.

Last year, an article in the New York Times generated a lot of discussion around this topic in my single social circles.  The author describes her decision to leave her celibate, Mormon life to explore sexual experiences. She writes: “Most troubling was the fact that as I grew older I had the distinct sense of remaining a child in a woman’s body; virginity brought with it arrested development on the level of a handicapping condition, like the Russian orphans I’d read about whose lack of physical contact altered their neurobiology and prevented them from forming emotional bonds. Similarly, it felt as if celibacy was stunting my growth; it wasn’t just sex I lacked but relationships with men entirely. Too independent for Mormon men, and too much a virgin for the other set, I felt trapped in adolescence.”

On one side
This article states that the lack of touch leaves one feeling adolescent and handicap, but, for me, that same lack builds a deeper consciousness of my body.  I consider my sexual feelings deeply because I am compelled to consistently reconcile my beliefs and my passions.  I have considered my choices and fully own my sexuality. This depth of feeling creates, for me, a keener understanding of intimate relationships, rather than a feeling of adolescence.

Additionally, I grow tired of the word “virgin” being tied to ideas like naive, simple, scared, fragile, and ashamed.  I would like to see the word make a shift to connect with ideas like courageous, determined, strong, clean, and sound … all attributes of a fully aware and responsible adult.

On the other side
I give the author credit for describing a situation that has my complete empathy. Living chaste, at arms length with ones sexuality, into mid-adulthood is a hard way to live.  Sex is a normal part of adult life.  It is, however, a missing part of my live or the lives my friends who live single and chaste.  We are not only missing the act of sex, but the intimacy of shared living.

Many adults live without sex for a few years into adulthood while they finish college or “find the right one”, but we live without sex for an additional 15, 20 years or more. Over time, this physical isolation changes us; creating a wound in body and spirit. It is a dark hurt of longing, unsatisfied yearning, aloneness, and insufficient closeness.

The situation is exacerbated by the feeling that this wound is invisible to our married brothers and sisters who see only the benefits of a chaste life.  It seems that for them there is no real difference between chastity at age 17 and chastity at age 40.  Their sermons about the benefits of saving ourselves for marriage don’t fall on deaf ears, but seem to lack understanding. The emphasis on “not slipping up in the backseat” misses the mark because it equates their 20 year old single experiences with our current situation. We also see the benefits of living chaste, but our situation differs for that of a youth. Making sensible choices in a passionate moment is not as difficult in mid-adulthood as it once was.  We’ve had practice with drawing boundaries and are fully aware of consequences.  The harder part is the living; making the choice every day as the loss of a shared bed and a life companion grows. We miss intimacy into the deep parts of ourselves and know that some of those losses cannot be restored.  We pay a price for the benefits of being chaste.

My Side
Choosing a chaste life comes with its price, but it has been a powerful choice for me.  I feel strong. I feel free. I feel whole. And the scope goes beyond myself, which gives me reason to continue choosing it. On its own, the Law of Chastity may fall short on benefits, but combined with all the principles in the gospel of Christ, it holds greater weight and the choice becomes more clear.  All of these principles, together, create a tight weave in the fabric that connects me to God and to others in my faith community. It provides a sense of safety that spreads throughout my life.

Living chaste allows me to participate fully with my community of Saints – and holds me in solidarity with them. This community sustains me with their own faith and trust. I am better and live richer because I am whole with them.

By choosing to live chaste, I sacrifice parts of myself and am built stronger in others parts. My relationship with Christ allows me to believe that His atonement will, in time, heal my wounds and deepen my understanding.

What are your experiences with living single and chaste or with interacting with those who choose this for their lives?

From what GAS says in the manual, it’s clear that this is a prophet with a firm testimony of the power of each of the books of scripture.  Here are a couple of my favorite quotes:

As I read the scriptures, … I marvel at the goodness of the Lord to bless those who accept his teachings, for we find more comfort in these sacred records than in all the philosophies of the ages, as given to us by the wisdom of men.⁵

I sometimes feel that we do not appreciate the Holy Bible, and what it contains, and these other scriptures, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price that have been referred to … as letters from our Heavenly Father. They may be so received, at least they are his advice and his counsel to all the children of men given to them that they may know how to take advantage of their opportunities, that their lives may not be spent in vain.⁷

Why are the scriptures important to GAS?
Why are they important to you?

What are some of your favorite scripture stories?

Read Proverbs 8:1-12 and discuss:
Who is wisdom?
Where can we find her?
How can we gain wisdom and apply it to our lives.

In Proverbs 8, we learn about the importance of wisdom, personified as a woman.We know that the scriptures are full of wisdom that can help us progress and become better people.  How can we use the scriptures to gain wisdom? (Hint: asking some of the questions above as we read the scriptures is a good way to start)**

In the manual, there is a section that talks about how the scriptures can help us in times of trouble.

Is there a scripture or a scripture story that has brought you comfort in difficult times?
When I feel lost and spiritually-removed, I often am comforted by Moroni 7:47 because it doesn’t say that I have to have perfect charity…if I have even a little, “it shall be well.”

There isn’t (unfortunately) a section about how to study the scriptures more deeply, so I would use this as a point of discussion…

What things do you do in your daily scripture study that help you to gain more from it?
Is there a time of day?
Do you have a partner you read with?
Do you read and skip around based on themes or start from the beginning and read to the end?

This lesson ends with talking about family scripture study. Here are some quotes that I enjoyed from GAS:

I would like you to ask yourselves, how many of you have read anything to your families out of these books from time to time, called them together to teach them the things that they ought to know. I am afraid many of us would have to say we have been too busy.¹²

Brethren and sisters, I desire to emphasize again the teaching of the Master: “search the scriptures;” read them prayerfully and faithfully, teach them in your homes; call your families around you and inspire in them a faith in the living God, by reading those things that have been revealed. They are the most precious of all the libraries in all the world.¹

How do you teach children and teenagers how to read the scriptures?
How can we as a Church do a better job at helping our youth use the scriptures as a tool?

I would end with this quote:

Now, I want to say, my brothers and sisters, that the advice of Jesus Christ, is still in force with us wherein he said, “Search the scriptures, for in them ye think ye have eternal life, and they are they which testify of me.” [John 5:39.] Do not neglect the old family Bible; do not put it away upon the shelf and forget it. Find out, if you do not already know, what it says, and if you have read it before, read it again often to your children and to your children’s children. Read them not only the Bible, but other books of scripture that the Lord has given us for our exaltation, for our comfort and for our blessing.¹⁶

**Want some good examples of deep scripture study?
Check out Deborah’s post on her namesake in the Old Testament
Jessawhy’s exegesis on the story of the Good Samaritan
TopHat explains her stake president’s study of Jesus feeding the 5000

And, there’s Exponent II’s Spring 2011 issue devoted to Mother’s Day

Need a talk about Mother’s Day?
Jana gave one in 2007
EmilyCC’s was in 2009

There are lots of other great blog posts here and across the Bloggernacle about Mother’s Day. What are some of your favorites?

(and the upper class as well, but I liked the alliteration)

by Jenna

Jenna balances motherhood, photography, and blogging while dreaming big dreams in a high rise in Chicago. She’s looking forward to a move to the Bay Area this fall, with plans to eat as many locally grown avocadoes as humanly possible.

I have only very recently come to loathe the word modesty. Previously I considered it a badge of honor, and felt proud that I was doing it “right”. I thought a little bit about my intentions, but mostly I kept my shoulders covered and constantly tugged my pencil skirts down toward my knees (which was difficult to do while simultaneously patting myself on the back).

Blogging opened me up to a world of alternative viewpoints, and I realized that my friends wearing strapless dresses didn’t seem so bad, and my perception of modesty was altered. Modesty for me might be about cap sleeves and kept promises, but the goal for everyone should be self-respect. A modest woman dresses with self-respect, and self-respect looks different on everyone.

I am in the midst of yet another shift in my thinking that takes the idea of self-respect and expands on it.

When the Occupy Wall Street protests were going on my husband pointed out that although we might not be part of the 1% in America, we are part of the 1% when you look at the entire world. Maybe even the 1% of the 1%. I live each day of my life profoundly grateful and often overwhelmed by this. I have never wanted for food, medicine, clothing, or shelter. I not only have my needs met at all times, but almost always my wants as well. This means I shop often, use clothing as a weight loss motivator, and buy new dresses when I already have half-a-dozen in my closet. Somehow I always need another pair of jeans.

I cannot seem to nail down what modesty means for a woman like myself, spending my days without thinking twice about the necessities in life. Can I get excited about the polka dot dress from Nordstrom that my mom gave me for Christmas? And is it automatically vain to post an outfit I wore on my personal blog? Can I pine for the perfect pair of black peep-toe platform heels when I already have half a dozen black heels in my closet (and several more in the “to donate” pile)?

Of course I know deep down that the answer to these questions is something profound like “Modesty is a highly individualized product of self-respect and self-restraint” but I keep getting bogged down in the practicalities of the issue. How do I achieve modesty throughout all areas of my life?

A good starting point for me has been expressing gratitude for what I already have in my closet. The phrase “I don’t have anything to wear” should never cross my lips, because I have plenty. I’m also working hard to avoid placing importance on the name of the designer who created what I’m wearing. I think it is okay for me to care about color, fit, and the way things make me feel when I wear them, but I shouldn’t like something just because so-and-so has their name on the label. One of my favorite and most frequently worn dresses is from Walmart! Sometimes when I receive compliments on that dress I think to myself “This old thing? It’s just from Walmart,” and I know the same thought would never cross my mind if I had paid full price for it at J. Crew. I don’t want to be that person.

This doesn’t mean I’m not going to get new things, as I have no intention of living my life as an ascetic. I have two new dresses from my parents hanging in my closet that are birthday gifts, and I just sent my husband an email with the link to a dress that I wanted him to get me for my 27th birthday celebration. When it comes to my wardrobe though, I want to be prudent about how full I let it get, and work hard to remember to be grateful for all the beautiful things I’ve received and been able to buy.

Later this year we’re going to move to San Francisco, which means we are thinking about housing again. We’ve decided that renting still makes the most sense for us, and though I won’t find a rental for a few months because of the market in the particular area I have started hunting and daydreaming about where we might live. We’ve set a budget that feels appropriate, but I constantly find myself drifting toward the houses with expansive skylights and huge windows and more bedrooms than we need. What I’m daydreaming about isn’t modest because it’s moved past the point of addressing our needs. We’ve set our priorities (a backyard and at least 3 bedrooms, safe neighborhood and good commute) and I have to constantly remind myself that we are likely never going to move “down” in terms of housing and lifestyle (barring being forced to do so for financial reasons) and so it’s important that we remain modest in our housing choice. Once we have 3 bedrooms, I’m going to always feel like I need 3, and I’ll likely spend my time hoping for 4. If we live in a 4 bedroom place and find that we need to downgrade to 3 again… I’m going to feel pretty deprived (I realize unnecessarily, but recognizing that doesn’t make it less likely to happen in my brain unfortunately).

I do not write this post intending anyone reading to spend time thinking about how *other people* aren’t being modest. There is nothing productive that comes from such reflection. The debate about what type of lifestyle is “okay” is going to be never-ending (if I make $1,000,000/year and give away half, have I given enough? Is that when I get to have my Prada bag and Loboutins guilt-free?) And we just don’t know enough to understand how some people are able to experience the things they do. Maybe their travels are the result of credit card schemes, maybe your friend’s mani/pedi routine is the only time she spends money on herself, maybe the designer dress is a gift from grandma that is worn out of respect and gratitude. No two people are ever going to have the same definition regarding what constitutes modesty in regards to clothing, cars, food, travel, housing, and so forth.

If we’re going to be talking about modesty with girls like myself, girls with closets overflowing with clothing, items that may at times never have their tags removed before being relocated to the donation pile, we need to be talking about not only self-respect, but vanity and over-consumption. Modesty isn’t about shoulders and kneecaps, it’s found in the reasoning behind the choices we make. There is no right or wrong answer, no magic formula for correctly categorizing wants and needs in neat little compartments that everyone else will agree with. Each of us must be willing to ask some tough questions, look straight into the mirror and say “I know the reasons for my choices and I know they are true to who I want to be.”

Until I master that, I’m going to keep working on the last commandment of the Big 10. I can’t seem to stop coveting the new pair of heels my mom picked up at Nordstrom Rack last week.