From the Uncanonized Gospels, Chapter 1

Posted by on August 8, 2013 in humor, women | 16 comments

1 And it came to pass that as we approached the meetinghouse, even though it were for a piano recital and not on the day of worship, my daughter did turn to me and say, You know what I really like about anything involving church? There’s always a treat afterward.

2 And yea, verily, there were treats, many of them wrought of fine chocolate.

3 In these days there have been seventeen of our beloved families who have gone unto parts unknown to us, and many of them did beseech the Elders Quorum for assistance, which assistance the Elders and even some of the High Priests did readily give. Yea, and the visiting teachers did publicize the time and date of the final apartment-cleanings, and the women came in abundance, some with their nursing children, and they did scour and clean and make merry.

4 And what is more, a young child did present himself before the followers of God on the Sabbath day, to bear testimony of the truths that burned within his heart. Now the child was quick of speech and did mumble, and the disciples did turn one to another and wonder at his speech and the meaning of it. And though they did not understand his words, the Holy Spirit touched their hearts and they lifted up their voices and said, Amen.

5 And again, the day we forgot to bring the diaper bag to church, indeed there were offerings of many types of diapers, and also toys, and wet wipes, and books to keep the smallest among us from raising his voice, but not in worship.

6 And I cried to the interwebs with a loud voice, saying, Though I put not my faith in the arm of man, neither in the arm of woman, but in the strong arm of Christ,

7 Yet do I depend upon and delight in the small and simple tendencies or habits of those who would be Saints, and rejoice in them. Amen.

What are your favorite Mormon habits? What are some of the quirky latter-day traditions that make you feel comfortable (or not) in your ward?

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16 Comments

  1. oh. my. goodness. weeping. either i really need to go to bed or you are very fine writer indeed. or both. sweetness and light.

    • I’m crying too and it’s the middle of the day.

  2. Yea, verily, I did call upon my visiting teacher in the day of my plumbing need and she did provide me with a shower and did bathe and feed my offspring in the middle of her mother’s-day dinner amongst the multitude of guests. She judged not my absence from worship and did set upon the table a place at the feast. And I did weep and call her sister.

    • 2 And it came to pass that upon further reflection, the visiting teacher responsibility in our relationship was verily my own, and thus the awesomeness of my visiting teachee was thereby magnified in mine eyes and in the eyes of God.

  3. And lo when I was grieved and afflicted in heart as my grandmother was preparing to go down into the cold and silent grave from whence no traveler can return I received a knock upon my door. And behold, it was my friend, bearing a frozen pizza and a sunflower. And I did weep.

    And when the time of graduate school came upon me, and I was weighed down in heart as the Relief Society President, my visiting teacher did minister unto me as a sister. And she did ask “who doth care for thee? Takest thou care of thyself?” And I did not. And she did bring me an enormous salad, yea with poppy seed dressing. And she did craft aromatherapy sprays that she did earnestly feel would heal and calm me. And I did eat of the spinach, and of the lettuce, even of the beans of garbanzo. And I was nourished, yea even for three days upon the greens of the field.

    And I did feel encircled about eternally in the arms of Christ’s love.

  4. And thus it came to pass that a large number of lactating women gathered in the tiny, dark mothers “lounge” to nurse their young. Some sat on the floor in their church finery, for behold there where only two seats for two large wards that hath overlapping meetings. And mothers were turned away at the door, for verily there was no more room. But behold, the women were of good cheer for as they nursed their babes in the smelly dark room, they conspired on how they might take over the great and spacious light-filled room that belongeth to the High Priests. And thus they were merry.

    • I love your use of “great and spacious” here!

  5. These are fabulous! Keep ‘em coming!

  6. Libby, this is beyond fabulous. . . My heart rejoiceth in your writing.

    And, behold, the number of those many cherished habits which nourish me, is known to my God. And that number passeth all understanding. And my gratitude is full in the House of the Lord this day. Amen.

  7. I love these!

  8. From the Book of Lorie, Chapter 55, Verses 1-5

    1. And yea, verily, I am called to speak of the miracle of the pinata.
    2. Behold, it was the season of family reunions in Zion, and I, Lorie, being of sound mind and attentive to the needs of my family, did go forth to the market to fetch food for my mother’s posterity.
    3. And it came to pass that I happened to spy on the shelf a pinata in the form of the fruit called, in the language of my foremothers, the watermelon. It was beautiul to the eye, above all other pinatas, and I felt in the marrow of my bones that the children, too, would find it delightsome.
    4. And, behold, the spirit did whisper,” Buy the pinata,” even though it was not on the tablets called My Shopping List. I, verily, purchased the watermelon pinata and took it to the land of Manti, where my niece abided.
    5. Behold, when I brought forth the pinata and it was shewn to my neice, she fell to the ground trembling and in awe. For, lo, she had been given the task of bringing forth a pinata and had forgotten to buy one. Behold, the children and their families did rejoice, for the reunion activities did proceed and all were amazed.

    • Lorie, I adore this. What a great bit of family lore to pass on!

  9. And behold, there was a woman, and she contributed to the Kingdom of God. She had an husband, who travelled far for work and was gone for many days.

    And it came to pass that she became ill and was sore distressed at her isolation. But lo, as she was dedicated unto the Lord, she had influenced her neighbour for good, to be taught by the Elders in the ways of the Lord. And after the Elders had visited and taught her neighbour, the Elders sought to query on the woman.

    Therefore, the woman had great rejoicing for lo, she believed the Elders to be an answer to the supplications and offerings she begged of God in her travail.

    But behold, the Elders refused to enter into the house of the woman, for lo, there was no anointed male within her household, in standing of the laws of the great and spacious building that governed the Elders. This was in accordance with the reigning authority, wherein women, even righteous women, were repudiated from the right of anointing and ministration unto one another.

    Nor were righteous women to be ministered by any Elder unless that woman had a male relative to reign over her in that time.

    Therefore she received no ministering. And she wept from her sickness.

    And she and her sisters wept bitterly because of the hierarchy.

  10. I love this, Libby!

  11. Late to the table…

    And lo, I did go forth many years ago unto my new place of worship, with my three small children. And lo, I hesitated, not knowing beforehand what I was going to do. For behold, I had left a place of great comfort, where my soul grew and delighted in the Lord, and it was a joy to raise my children in the delight and admonition of the Lord. I feared, that the I would not find great joy in worship with my new ward.

    And behold, my infant son, yea, mine only son, did develop an affliction of his intestines, and did leave his breakfast on the floor, yea, and even the chairs, and even my very long skirt whereon he was sitting. And my soul quivered, yea, the challenge was too hard for me and I quailed in the shadow of the challenge. So I departed from the room of the society of relief, in haste and tears, to clean up my son and myself. And I did cleanse the filth from my vestments, and from the clothing of my son, and went in haste to find his father, that he might embrace his son, that I may cleanse the filth from chair, and the floor, yea, from all the places whereon my son left his contents.

    And lo, as I went forth during the lesson, in stealth as much as I could, behold, I found no sign of my son’s contents, for behold, an angel mother, who sat near unto my seat had taken it unto herself to fetch paper towels from the lavatory, wherewith to clean the mess, and behold, my joy was full. I no longer feared the feeding of my soul in my new place of worship. And behold, I have many sisters in the gospel, yea, and brothers too, whereunto I may trust the care of my soul, and the souls of my daughters, yea, and my son, mine only son, and the soul of my husband, and of any of those that I love, who might come thereunto with me. Yea, and even many souls to serve, that I might offer up my sacrifices unto the most High. And for these many years have this ward family become also like mine own family, and my tribe, and thus the Lord has provided for me in the wilderness. And lo, I also have cleaned up after the infant of another, that the blessings may go down through the generations, from one to another.

    • Beautiful!

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