Guest Post: A Simple Guide for the Busty Mormon Woman

by Hope

It can be a rough world out there for the Mormon woman with breasts that just won’t quit. On the one hand, ill-fitted clothing can leave the naive Busty Woman vulnerable to misdirected slut-shaming from well-meaning busybodies. On the other hand, it can be difficult to fulfill your life’s purpose of wifedom and motherhood when most of the single, righteous priesthood holders in your life are afraid of boobs.

It’s a lose-lose situation, ladies. But never fear, for we have compiled a list of solutions which, if properly implemented, may protect you from both creepy dudes and condemning broads alike. Note: these suggestions may or may not work during the summer months.

1) Get plastic surgery. It’s okay that it costs thousands of dollars and isn’t covered by your health insurance; it’s worth it to keep those boys’ minds clean and pure. Easily scandalized women will also benefit from your sacrifice.

2) Wear scarves. Lots and lots of scarves. They protect the wandering eye from being assaulted by your fabulous cleavage while simultaneously providing padding so that nobody loses an eye! Scarves also add bulk, thereby camouflaging your chest region so that no one can tell what is fabric and what is flesh.

3) Purchase big, baggy clothes that are several sizes too large. If anyone can tell that you are female, you’re doing it wrong.

4) Only buy tops with an absurdly high neckline. Remember, it is noble and virtuous to sacrifice full arm motion in favor of modesty.

5) Never wear a button-up shirt. Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER. It is foolish to entrust your virtue to something as fickle as a button.

6) Don’t buy pretty bras. In fact, don’t wear anything that isn’t designed to keep your ladies firmly under control. Good luck if you are pregnant or nursing – everyone knows that breast tenderness only happens in the movies.

7) Pad your minimizer bra thoroughly and well to avoid Pointy Nipple Syndrome (PNS).

8) Never play with or attend to children – they are magnets for wardrobe malfunctions.

9) Don’t jump

10) Don’t run

11) Don’t get wet

12) Don’t get cold

13) Don’t hug people

It can be difficult to have charge of not one, but two(!) prominently-placed organs that are prone to assault the unsuspecting passerby without notice. The constant vigilance required of the average Busty Woman is enough to induce psychosis or (worse!) sexy thoughts. If all else fails, take comfort in knowing that you can always stay in your room, by yourself, completely covered in flannel.

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30 Responses

  1. Olea says:

    Oh my gosh, hilarious! I always wear singlets under my button-up shirts to avoid relying on such fickle notions as buttons. I’ll have to deeply consider the rest of this list. Thank you, Hope. All those around me are indebted to you for your thoughtfulness.

  2. Lily says:

    Hysterical! I NEVER wear button-up shirts and yes, I pad my already-padded bra to avoid pointy nipple syndrome. We used to have a lady that taught RS. Every time she taught the busty ladies got a lecture on being modest.

  3. Libby says:

    14) Try on everything before you buy it. That conservative-looking Argyle sweater that looked so innocent on the hanger or on your best friend might just be NSFW on your buxom self.

    (These are hilarious!)

  4. RoseE Hadden says:

    Yep. Yep yep yep.

    The plight of the busty Mormon woman. Boobs are clearly entry tickets straight to hell.

    After many long years of living with boobs that are, just by their very makeup, conspicuously immodest, I have straight-up stopped caring. (Seriously. They’re conspicuous through an abaya. I’ve checked.) So now the policy is: first look’s free, and after that, you’re getting a bill.

    • Lily says:

      Yes, and unless I am at work or Church, I go braless.

    • Hope says:

      Oh bless you. I have found the same thing, and at a certain point this whole concept of “modesty” directly diminishes my agency. I no longer consider that to be an acceptable option. #overit

  5. Jon Shurtleff says:

    OH my I have to laugh.

  6. Don’t even get me started on garments and being busty.

    • Libby says:

      Seriously! It’s nice that they sell a D-cup version, but a D cup was three babies ago.

      • Hope says:

        Right?!? In all the world there is nobody with as big of boobs as those of Anglo Saxon descent, which constitutes a large enough population of the Mormon church, one would think that they would offer every cup size anyone has ever come up with.

    • Hope says:

      So awful.

  7. Em says:

    Thanks for the tips! At thirty eight weeks pregnant my bust would best be described as whorish. The giant belly reduces my sex appeal but also draws my neckline down. I was just wondering this morning how to cope with my increasingly slutty body. Now I know!

  8. Cathy Cann says:

    Women worth heavy beats need the support of a good bra. I don’t care what size the garment”cup” is, it is impossible to get “the girls” settled securely in a bra while wearing a “t-shirt” underneath. Busty girls, buy a good, expensive bra, that has been fit, sans garment, then wear your g-top OVER the garment. I know, I know, I can hear the gasps of shock and horror, but you will still be modest, and wearing it 27/7.

    • Sandra says:

      Gals with micro-mini boobs aren’t doing much better. With all the extra fabric no bra fits well and no garment is comfortable for anything but sleeping without a bra.

      • Hope says:

        Really, are garments actually comfortable, functional, and well-fitted for ANY woman? I haven’t met her.

        Sympathies on the garment situation, friend!

    • Hope says:

      Oh yes. I don’t know how anybody has ever managed with the bra over the garments (especially the silly ones). It just doesn’t work. Plus it makes it harder to flash people 😉

  9. andkirsten says:

    Amen. I felt so much shame about my cleavage when I was in High School. But now that I have a kid an my cleavage is basically up to my neck, I have more an attitude of “trust me, there’s plenty more you can’t see” and try not to be as concerned about it. If I’m comfortable, that is what matters most.

  10. Hedgehog says:

    Oh my, it’s good to laugh.

    There’s a popular British chain here that sells shirts with additional buttons facing inwards to concealed buttonholes situated between the usual buttonholes in the important places over here, so I love wearing their shirts. Haven’t had a problem with them coming unbuttoned either.

    But yes scarves! Scarves are my thing. I can’t have too many of those, with a high cleavage and dislike of being throttled by a high neckline.

    On garments I favour the polycotton chemise in as small a size as I can get away with (but the tall version – and I’m short), as it’s a nice close fit, and will stretch to accommodate me underneath my bra. That’s for an E cup though, and may not work so well for larger ladies…

  11. Kristie says:

    This post is so great! One time at girl’s camp, one of my leaders walked up to me and yanked up the tank top I was wearing under my v-neck saying, “Us gifted girls need to be more vigilant about our tops.” It still makes me shudder. I’ve given up cleavage monitoring now that I’m older. It’s a waste of energy and time. I could have cleavage in a turtleneck, so it’s just not worth it.

  12. Rachel Watson says:

    Skinny girl telling me my cleavage should NEVER be on display. Lady: you don’t have a cleavage – mine goes from my belly button to my neck.

  13. Udderly don't care says:

    Oh the awful state of Mormon women who believe they are so large busted so as to out breast the best of them. One time there was a lot of attention paid to a Mormon nude women project. I glanced at the site for all of a minute and surmised:

    Big Boobs
    Big Bellies
    Big Butts

    Big Deal

  14. Jeff says:

    Fantastic comments. My friend would love to hear more about buttons popping off. I’m not a creep.

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