Morning musings on a changing marriage
I’ve found myself a bit blindsided by the news that the Stake President intends to hold a church ‘council’ (or court, as I called when I was younger) because of my spouse’s online writings. Many thoughts have been swirling around in my head from this turn of events, some of which makes me consider the foundation of our relationship and marriage. We met at church when we were nearly-19 years old, John served his mission to Japan and we married in the Los Angeles temple a few months after his return. I’m at peace with where John is spiritually now, though this was not always the case. When I married John, most of our relationship and our shared ideals were based on church doctrines and expectations. So now I find myself pondering how this has changed over time and what, if any, the implications are for our commitment to each other.
This morning we had some time, finally, to be alone. John planned to go into work late, the children had already left for school, and we both needed the connection that we’d been putting off all week long due to other busy-ness.
As we curled up together in our bed, skin on skin, we talked a lot about change. About what it means that five years ago we couldn’t have imagined our selves as we are now. As we moved through the familiar ritual of caress and stroke and kiss there was something just a bit different about it. More intense, perhaps. A conjunction of bone and loin and sinew.
There is a longing and a hunger that comes from change. There is a haven in clinging to each other, even while realizing that the person you think you know so well is evolving and growing. Just as you are.
I knew when I committed myself to a married life that there would be unexpected turns in the road ahead. Detours, blind alleys, and some precarious cliff-hanger passes to traverse together. What I didn’t know then, but do now…is that every day I am growing stronger and more prepared for the journey, even for those times that I will travel alone. Yet still I am torn, each moment, between clinging to comfort and pressing forward. With each step feeling the struggle of our journey as well as the remarkable serendipities along the way.
I once told John that the best evidence I have of God’s existence is that somehow in this enormous and crazy world we found each other–we whose souls and bodies fit together so well that I can’t describe it without cliche. And that’s still true, even now.
Picture above is a candid photo from our wedding day.