I’d like to thank Louise, my little sister and best friend, for sharing this guest post with us.
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I graduated from law school this month near the top of my class. As I was walking across the stage at (hopefully) my last graduation, I couldn’t help but consider the fact that only 8 short years ago I was walking across a substantially smaller stage, 8 ½ months pregnant, at my own high school graduation. Most people who know me today would never believe that I was a Mormon teenage mother.
I found out I was one month pregnant in September of my senior year in high school. I have never been so afraid in my life—I could not believe that I had been so stupid. My consideration of the choice of abortion was very brief. The night I took my pregnancy test, I considered and rejected this choice because I didn’t think I could live with that decision long term. I knew that the best way to ensure that I honored my choice not to have an abortion would be to tell my parents who would be opposed to such a choice. My boyfriend was older and he could get me to a clinic easily and pay for it. My parents wouldn’t have to know, no one would have to know. I was embarrassed and part of me felt like this was the best choice—but a feeling inside me and probably my good girl Mormon upbringing told me that I would not be happy with that decision in the end. Looking back it is surprising that I rejected that choice so quickly, but if I am honest with myself, I also made my final decision that night in the bathroom. I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother, I knew I didn’t want an abortion, I knew there was only one other option—but it was several months before I told anyone else what I had decided.
As soon as I had rejected the choice of abortion, I told my parents that I was pregnant. I know that they were disappointed in me, but their reaction was truly amazing—no anger, no yelling, just a frank discussion of what I was facing now (having two therapists as parents can be useful in some situations). They told me from the start that they would support whatever decision I made. However, I was STRONGLY encouraged to attend an unwed mothers support group at LDS Social Services where my mother was at that time volunteering to get her licensure hours (although she was not involved with the unwed mothers group). The leaders of this group were definitely focused on the adoption choice, but most of the unwed mothers in the group (in fact, all of the mothers at the time I attended the group) decided to keep their children. I was the anomaly in this group in many ways—I was one of the only girls to finish high school, I was absolutely the only girl to graduate with an A average and take mostly AP classes, I was the only girl that didn’t talk about the option of marrying my child’s father, and I was the only girl who made the decision to place a baby for adoption and actually stick with that decision after the baby was born.
Although I found the group leaders to be thoughtful and caring, attending the group was a frustration to me. We had classes about taking care of babies and how much it costs to feed and cloth them. This all made sense to me, but my main frustration was that I could not relate to the other pregnant women. Sure—we were all unwed teenage mothers, we all belonged to Mormon families, but I was not the typical teenage mother and I found that I had even more trouble relating to pregnant teenagers than I did to the teenagers I attended school with and generally didn’t want to be around. Some weeks women who had decided to keep their children spoke to the group about their decision and the trials of raising a child when you are still a child. For me, the worst group meetings were when women who had previously placed their babies for adoption would talk to the group about their decisions. Fortunately, none of these women who had made the same decision I was planning on making had much of an impression on me either. Most were still very tormented by their decision and I did not want to be tormented for the rest of my life. Essentially the message I got from the unwed mother group sessions is that all women who get pregnant in high school are miserable regardless of the ultimate decision they make. I know that this wasn’t the intention of the group and I don’t think this was the impression that everyone else got—but for someone like me, the group terrified me, made me feel like getting pregnant would be the end of my life. Either I’d have a baby and be poor and stressed, or give up the baby and be tormented because my baby was not with me.
After several months attending the group, I informed my parents that I wanted to place my baby for adoption. I had been discussing this with my parents along the way, and they were not surprised at this decision. A part of me knows that my mother was disappointed—not because it wasn’t the best decision for me at the time—but because she wanted the baby, her first grandchild. Sometimes I think it was harder for my mom to give the baby up because she didn’t get to make the decision. She was there for all the crap, puking, getting fat, whining, and tying my shoes for me when I couldn’t reach my feet—but she didn’t get to make the choice of whether or not to keep the beautiful baby at the end. I know today my mom knows without a doubt that I made the right decision, but I think a part of her still hurts every time one of my cousins or friends from high school is pregnant with a new grandbaby and she still has none. I was an oppositional-defiant teen, so knowing that my mom would have been happy if I kept the baby probably actually helped me to make the decision to place for adoption. It is hard now to really say why I knew adoption was best, even in those first few seconds after I found out I was pregnant. I honestly don’t know how a kid who was dumb enough to get pregnant in high school could have been smart enough to make a decision that was really hard but resulted in a great life for the baby and a great life for her after the initial heartaches.
I am happy with the family who adopted my daughter; I know that they are the right family for her. I was not happy with the “choosing the family” process at LDS Social Services. I told them my number one priority for the parents was that they both have graduate degrees. I was shocked when they came back to me with only two families where both parents had graduate degrees and then several more where the father had a graduate degree and the mother had either a bachelor’s or an associate’s degree. Sometimes I think this factor was an arbitrary one made by a hormonal 17 year old who grew up in a happy family with two parents with graduate degrees. Looking back, though, I think that if you are going to make some sort of decision about parents this is probably one of the only objective factors you can use to pick people who are probably smart and probably hard workers. I know that there are smart, hard workers who don’t have graduate degrees, but there are not as many stupid lazy people with them. It was of the utmost importance to me that the mother of the family was as educated as the father. My feminist self was only beginning at that point, but I knew enough to know that a baby would be happiest if she had a strong and smart mother.
I had a cesarean section and so I was in the hospital with my new baby girl for 5 days. I decided I didn’t want to take her home before the placement because it would be too hard to see all those places at home where she had been. The time at the hospital felt like an instant—I couldn’t believe 5 days had passed. The day when I left the hospital and went to LDS Social Services to sign papers and give them my baby is a total blur to me. I can’t really remember reading and signing the papers, and I can’t really remember what anyone said. The only thing I remember is handing my social worker my baby and walking down the hall away from her. I couldn’t look back because I couldn’t stand to see her again. I remember the drive back home with my parents. It was completely silent except for my sobs. Even then, I didn’t second guess or regret my decision, but I hurt in a way I have never hurt again. I hope I never have to feel that way again.
My choice, to place my baby for adoption, only worked for me because it was truly my choice. I am strongly pro-choice and I would never judge a mother who decided her best option was to have an abortion. I would also never judge a mother who decided her best choice was to raise her child herself even though she wasn’t quite prepared to do it. My strong belief in a woman’s right to choose (abortion, adoption, or keeping) is grounded in my experience. I’m not sure how to say what I’m trying to say here, but basically what I want to say is that being pregnant before you are ready is a complicated and difficult situation and that I think as women we should support other women’s decisions to deal with that situation in a way that works for them. I want to encourage other women not to try to make decisions for their sisters, daughters, or friends—but to let them make the choice themselves because that is the only way the women will actually be at peace with their decision.
-Louise
Whoops, Anonymous, looks like your comment is AWOL from another blog. Maria, thank you for sharing this frank and honest experience, for making it feel real to someone who’s never been in your shoes, and for the good/hard choices you had to make. I hope your comments about the LDS Social Services resources (both positive and negative) find the people who are in the position to make changes to ease this terrifying process for young women like yourself. And I’m with you on the choice part, it sounds like you owned the pregnancy and its consequences in ways that might seem astounding out in “the world.”
This should be required reading for all unwed mothers and social workers everywhere – even if it means removing the LDS-specific references. Thank you for your honesty and candor.
Louise,
Thank you for this awesome, thoughtful post. I really commend your bravery and strength of heart in putting your baby up for adoption. (But I would also commend your bravery and strength of heart if you had decided to keep it.) I think in that sense I’ve undergone a transformation in the last few years. When I was younger I thought it was obvious – of course a teenage mom should put the baby up for adoption. Now I realize that the decision is so individual that there’s no blanket answer for everyone.
Congratulations on your new degree and the exciting journey that you’re embarking on.
Thanks for your post. Its good for me to hear these stories from time to time. I was adopted as an through the LDS social services program 29 years ago. I often find myself thinking about the emotional struggle my birth mother must have gone through. I think about it more now that I have two kids of my own. The physical bond to one’s children is very real, and I can’t imagine making a choice to give that up.
Like Louise, my experience has made me much more understanding to those who choose to terminate pregnancies as well as those who choose to keep the child and deal with the pains of single/young parenthood. All of the options involve pain and sacrifice, and the choice should never be forced on anyone.
Thanks for sharing your story, Louise. I know a number of people who work for LDS Family Services, and I’ve met some women who have gone to LDSFS to deal with unexpected pregnancies. You may be glad to know that women are now able to have complete control over the process of selecting the family for their baby. They are also able to maintain some form of contact with the baby & the adoptive family if everyone wants and agrees to that. Adoption practices have changed quite a lot over the years, it seems.
First off, thanks to everyone for their kind comments. I was a little apprehensive to post this–to make Louise so vulnerable to people’s judgments. It appears that my fears were unfounded. Thank you.
Secondly, thanks to Louise for writing this in the first place. I guess I thought I knew everything about the experience–but I actually learned a lot in this post that I didn’t know before–not about events but about your feelings at that time and today. I guess for me this is another example of why the written word can be such a powerful mode of communication–sometimes it’s just too difficult, or complicated, or whatever, to say things out loud.
Also, and perhaps somewhat unexpectedly, this post is actually causing several of my latent anxieties to reemerge about adopting a child myself someday. This is probably a topic for another post (because I don’t want to detract too much from Louise’s message), but I have a lot of fears about adopting…some rational, some totally irrational.
One major fear, and I’ve never really been able to express this in a way that anyone except my husband/family has been able to understand, is that I am petrified that there would be a family out there–a mom like Louise, a grandma like my mother, an aunt like I am–who would have such strong and complicated feelings of love, possession, and if we’re honest–expectation–toward my adopted child. And I want MY family (me and J and our parents and brothers and sisters) to be the only ones who feel this way toward my children.
Not that you wouldn’t want as many people as possible to love your child–but I know the feelings that we feel toward Louise’s baby are SO strong, so deeply rooted inside of us, that they are almost possessory in nature. And, in my opinion, you’re only supposed to have ONE family that feels that way toward you, not two.
Kind of like when people make the lame argument that polygamy wouldn’t be so bad because there would just be an “extra dose” of love in the family for each additional wife that is brought in to the circle. Um…yeah I can concede that there is maybe some quantifiably greater amount of total love within the family unit because I imagine a sister-wife would be a closer relationship than other relationships out there in the world. But there is no getting around the fact that each wife is still going to feel possessory, entitled, or exclusionary towards others in the relationship she has with her husband. A husband should only have one wife who feels this strongly about him, and a child should only have one family that feels this strongly about them. We shouldn’t have to fear the competition of others in relationships that are, by their very nature, meant to be exclusive.
Hopefully I’ll someday come to some peace about this and the other issues I have with adoption. But it is all very messy and complicated in my mind–a state which I’m positive has been influenced by my family’s profound heartache over Louise’s baby. I still cry at night if I let myself think of that sweet, sweet baby–that perfect little girl who looks so much like Louise, and me, and my mother. We long for this lost baby in a way that I imagine will never, ever go away.
A beautiful and thoughtful post. Thank you.
Louise, Thank you for such a heart felt and thoughtful post. I’m really glad you agreed to guest post!
First, how did your parents get to be so awesome? Because they really are. I can only imagine what would have happened if one of the seven girls in our family had come to my parents with the same news you had. My mom would have immediately starting sobbing I think and my dad would have gotten angry.
I’ve been thinking about your post all day. I admire your inner sense of yourself and knowing what you personally needed to do in such a difficult situation. And I think it’s awesome that you looked for a mother who had at least as much education as the father.
I’m grateful for the birth mother (and her family’s) perspective–I have seen the emotions and ups and downs of those who are on the other side, waiting for a baby to adopt. Maria, your thoughts about the connection that you and your family feels towards Louise’s baby are moving and poignant. Thank you for sharing that.
Another Michelle (not the same as above)
I loved this post. Thank you for sharing your experience here.
Wow! I can’t go to bed until I put some of my thoughts into words. This post struck me on so many levels, not the least of which is the fact that our son, adopted through LDS Family Services, was born probably only a few weeks before Louise’s baby was born. Thank you, Louise, for writing this post.
We chose to work with LDSFS because we were given the distinct impression (at least at our local office), that the young women they worked with were meant to make their own choice without pressure one way or another toward adoption or keeping their baby. It was so important to us that our son’s birth mom make her own decision.
Last year our son’s birth mom came to us pregnant and scared that things would not work out with the baby’s birth father. If she needed to place the baby, could she place him with us? She was so uncertain about her course, and ended up keeping her son even though things didn’t work out with his dad. It was a bit of a roller coaster for us to say the least, but I stand solidly behind my belief that it had to be her choice.
We’ve recently had the chance to see her again and meet her 10-month-old son, and they have clearly thrived together.
Just a personal note re Maria’s conflicted feelings about adopting a child who would be loved by another family somewhere. Our son is most likely going to be an only child (my feelings about that are a blog post in and of itself!). Anyway, he has two older half-sisters who we hadn’t seen for a long time because they live in another state. The oldest has been begging her mom (our son’s birth mom) to visit us for years and when she and our son were reunited last summer, they instantly connected, played like they’d known each other their whole lives, and hugged so genuinely when it was time for her to leave, which totally stunned me because, well, my son was a 7-year-old boy at the time. She’s thought about our son since he was born and considers him her brother. I can’t even begin to describe how important it is to me that my only child actually does have an older sister who will be watching out for him and loving him his whole life.
Thank you Louise, for sharing this history with us, and for being so candid.
When in the same boat, I made a different choice; to this day, 17 years later, I still wish I had chosen differntly. I admire your resolve and dedication to yourself and welfare of your child.
“I think that if you are going to make some sort of decision about parents this is probably one of the only objective factors you can use to pick people who are probably smart and probably hard workers”
It has been my experience that hard work has nothing to do with graduate degrees. A large portion of the people I hire with grad degrees evidently stayed in school because they didnt want to get a real job and actually have to work.
Thank you. Your spirit is much better than your politics. And that’s whats important.
-Adam Greenwood
Does anyone understand what politics Adam Greenwood is referring to?
i can only assume he’s referencing her stance as pro-choice.
just wanted to second all the comments thanking you for sharing this, louise. my sister is currently going through the process of adopting three beautiful children from haiti. all of them lived with their birth parents for the first few years of their lives until they were placed in orphanages because the parents just could not provide for them. their birth parents are still alive and i’m sure that will make for some interesting dynamics in the future, given not only the emotional but also the material circumstances of the adoptions. the process has been a long one (two years since my they found the first of the three children and started the process) and it is only getting longer. and it’s been emotionally difficult on my sister and her family. but it’s also been rewarding and will only become more so.
I’m an adoptive mom of two boys, now 8 and 6 years old. Louise, I think your view of the process should indeed be shared with other moms who are considering placing their children for adoption.
I think it might also be useful, though, to let people know that LDSFS does change incrementally over time. Their adoptions are now much more open than they were in the past … when I had to sneak to stay in contact with my son’s birthmom!
To me it seems true that there are no easy choices for someone who has an unplanned pregnancy. There are also no easy solutions for people who want children and can’t make them “homemade” (that’s a joke, folks!) It can be good when a mom’s need to place a baby, and a couple’s need to adopt a baby coincide. But that doesn’t make either a neat or easy choice.
Maria, you’re right that when you adopt your greatest joy will always come from another person’s, or another family’s greatest loss or pain. It’s not easy to face that. What helps me is something my second son’s birthmom told me, which was that just because it was hard, didn’t mean it wasn’t right.
And as counterintuitive as it may seem, it doesn’t hurt a child to have more than one family with that intense possessing love for him or her. Open adoption is challenging to navigate for adults, but if we do it right it can be great for the kids.
Louise, Thank you so much for sharing this. I agree that your parents were wonderful in facilitating you being able to make your own choice. I have thought about this issue quite a bit. Having 7 daughters makes me wonder from time to time how I would handle this situation if it happened in our family. I think I would have a very difficult time letting my grandbaby go–but I believe strongly that the mother of the baby needs to make a choice she can be at peace with.
A few years ago one of my Seminary students became pregnant at age 16. I insisted she be allowed to finish the year even though policy stated that she not be allowed to continue. At one point she was getting a lot of pressure from parents, teachers, and LDS leaders to place the baby for adoption. One day we had a lesson about following the Spirit and I said, “We must all make our own decisions according to the guidance of the Spirit, no matter what others may be telling us.” I happened to catch her eye and I saw her whole body seem to collapse in relief. At that moment she made a major decision and decided to keep the baby. Three years later, I think it was the right thing for her. She continued to live at home and finished high school. I think it was extremely difficult for the whole family but they all are at peace with it, and love that baby so much.
I know that currently the LDS position is that babies of unwed mothers should be placed for adoption. But I think it’s so important to take this case by case and let the mother decide. She is the one who must live with it.
Again, thank you for this post.
A year before I met my wife she had just given up a baby for adoption (she’d been raped). We married and tried to have children but couldn’t. We eventually adopted two children through LDS Family Services and could not be happier. (I’m obviously glossing over an awful lot of details here).
Maria,
I understand your concerns about another family loving your adopted child. My cousins who just adopted are having to negotiate lont-term contact and communication with the grandparents, who didn’t want the child given up, and it has been very difficult and emotional.
I had concerns about involvement from the other family, or the birth mother coming back years later to make contact, so I made the decision to adopt internationally.
The birth mother gave my daughter up at birth, so my little girl was sent to an orphanage to live for 5 years. She never saw her birth mother, never heard about her, never thought about her, and the birth mother never came back after the birth to see if she had been adopted. So, when I became her mother, I was it. I know very little about the birth mother; there are no ties; no expectations; and no possibility of contact down the line. Some people want contact, others don’t…I don’t.
My daughter has never asked about her birth mother, though I have explained why she was in the orphanage. She simply doesn’t consider anyone to be mom but me. I am forever grateful that the birth mother gave my angel up for adoption, and I sometimes pray for the other mother to be blessed. But she is in no way a part of our lives and never will be. So, even if you don’t overcome your anxieties, foreign adoption allows for a fresh slate and a clean break — if that is what you are looking for. For me, it was the right choice.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. As someone who has also placed a child for adoption, I had and have many similar feelings. I hope you don’t mind a linkback. I linked to this post and made some comments about my own placing experiences. I am glad to know someone else thought in similar ways that I did.
Thank you for your story. I just happen to come across this blog when searching for Placement Stories. We are in the process of adopting a baby girl through LDSFS. We are excited, scared, anxious, sad, and so many emotions all mixed into one bitter-sweet experience. Our birthmother was due a week or so ago, so we are just waiting. it was nice to hear a story from the birthmother perspective. Thank You.
26 years ago I had just turned 17 and found myself consumed in shame. I felt as though I could hardly breath and eating was only barely tolerable. I kept myself in seclusion, not coming out of my room for meals or to use the restroom unless I was sure no one was around. I kept only a few doctor appointments for fear of seeing any other human being. No one (except my Father) was anything but loving to me, I just had an infinite amount of self-hatred that I self imposed on myself. The only life goal I had ever had was to be a mom, yet I felt no bonding to this baby; in fact I felt enmity towards this pregnancy (I could not use the word baby), and prayed for a miscarriage until the end. I met with an LDS adoptive counselor, his name was Jerry, a great guy, to fill out the paper work. I knew the Church’s official stance on unwed pregnancy’s, yet I was perplexed at Jerry’s attitude with me. I sensed he was not sure that giving away my baby was the right decision for me to make. However, he was supportive and never openly tried to talk me out of it, I could just sense his feelings. The paper work was complete, and now I just had to finish my punishment. I must mention that I had never prayed about the decision because it was the only one I would even consider at the time. When I was 8 1/2 months along I had an entirely unexpected experience. It is too sacred to share here, but it occurred in the middle of the night ,and left no confusion as to what the Lord desired, or for that matter, my daughter’s feelings were about being place anywhere but with me. I kept my experience to myself for many years, and have since share it sparingly. A few days later I told my LDS counselor of my new decision. I was met with great relief. He expressed great angst at thinking my baby would be placed. He had felt a strong witness that she should stay with me, yet, because of policy, had not been able to freely express himself. My family was delighted,(it took my Father some time)and busied themselves with preparations. I would love to record that I immediately felt happy and relieved and sweet feelings of bonding. I did not. I felt obedient. Most of my negative feelings remained, I just knew I was doing what the Lord had in a very direct way commanded me. The labor and delivery was accomplished without any drugs which was fashionable (according to male doctors) in Northern California in 1981. After a life threatening complication post-delivery (placenta acreta) the nurses placed this tiny baby girl with strawberry blond hair with petite features in my arms. Again, I would love to write about the instant Mother baby bonding that occurred after such a long period of profound sadness, but I was terrified and I asked my own Mother to please hold her for me. I was terrified, however I was keenly aware of how every trace of shame left me never to return. Later in the hospital room I would steal glances at her in her bassinet, feeling overwhelmed if I looked at her ‘too long’. It took a day or two and then everything felt natural. She felt like someone I’d known and loved for eternities.
Two years later I received my Patriarchal Blessing. The Patriarch knew nothing of me, I was just another BUY student. In the Blessing there is an entire paragraph devoted to ‘Melanie’. “Shannon, your Heavenly father is very pleased with you that you have kept Melanie with you.” The blessings reveals much about this precious daughter. After the Blessing was over the Patriarch with a puzzled look asked,’Who is Melanie?’. A testimony of of the power of revelation. Today Melanie is happily married in the Temple to a fine man. She currently works in Arlington, VA in her field of Medical Administration in which she also has been accepted into the Graduate Program at George Washington. I pulled it together and now am the proud mother of 8,
That was not how I intended to summarize that chapter of my life. I hit ‘publish’ instead of ‘edit’. What I want to leave the reader with is that how interesting it is to me that even though I have had many more children, without Melanie there would be a giant hole. She has been a powerful influence for good, and a strong and powerful leader within our family. Heavenly Father knew this. He knew that I needed her infinitely more than she has ever needed me.
Personal revelation is available, even to those who are full of self loathing. I bear witness of this.
Shannon, thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me that God’s ability to comfort us comes from a perspective much more expansive than our own.
I don’t even know how to reply and express my thanks for sharing that. wow.
Thank you for sharing the post and also thank you for all the comments.
I also came across this blog while doing a search of LDS Family Services and adoption.
M husband and I are currently in the process of waiting to adopt a child. Our blog is one of our contact points for that process.
For several years I taught at an alternative school and worked primarily in the Young Parent Program. I taught and loved so many young girls who were faces with raising their children while they were still in High School. Often it was the grandmothers who wanted the child to stay in their home. These beautiful young women struggled to attend class, take care of their babies, and still maintain life as a teenager. So many of them amazed me with their dedication and drive.
And now I sit at the other end….hoping that an entire family will give me the gift of motherhood.
I am so grateful for personal revelation and guidance.
Thank you all for your comments.
Let me just say that I was glad I stumbled upon this. My fiance and I have been struggling over what we should do with our baby. Well, at least I have. I always feel bad when I think of adoption, I start to cry thinking how I will not have my baby in my life if I did that. But there is still a part of me that feels that the baby might have a better chance. It’s a very small part, but my fears of not being able to provide for our darling little boy sometimes overwhelm me. We are not rich, we are young, we are not yet married. I grew up LDS, graduated from high school with a 3.1 GPA and graduated from Seminary with a 92% attendance and even helped a friend find the Gospel and she is now at BYU-Idaho and planning for a mission. My family is VERY disappointed in me for the choices I made, and they very much want me to give up a baby that if kept, would be MUCH much loved by mommy and daddy. My love does NOT want to give this baby up. He says he will fight against my decision to adopt if that is what I choose. A lot of my fears of “I’m gonna screw up” have come a lot from wanting to please my family. It’s nice to see a less close minded opinion, and comments on others situations, than the ones I have gotten from the people who should be supporting either decision most. My family. Reading this and everyone’s comments makes me realize that I CAN do this. I can learn about motherhood and I can be ok if I keep the baby. the story about the little girl named Melanie also helped me out a lot and makes me realize even more the love of our Father. And that there is hope to still be a “good person” if I do keep my precious boy.
anonymous, thanks for sharing your story. You are so right. You can definitely still be a good person if you decide to keep your baby. I think listening to your heart and following your conscience is paramount. Good luck.