Neckties: Priesthood Attire or Lucifer’s Lust Pointer?

Posted by on August 19, 2014 in Gender roles, humor, manhood, modesty, pornography, priesthood, women | 42 comments

mens-fashion-ties-002 Neckties are arrows that point to the male genitalia. Why are they considered “priesthood attire” in the LDS community? In some congregations otherwise worthy men are not allowed to participate in priesthood ordinances unless wearing a white shirt and necktie. The male missionary uniform is a white shirt and conservative necktie, symbols of orthodoxy in the LDS Church. Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby recently noted,

Neckties are so important to Mormons that it’s only a matter of time before we start seeing them airbrushed onto young men in church publications.

Oh, the horror! Before such a perilous day dawns, I must sound a warning. Neckties are leading women far from the iron rod of righteousness into the shadowy mists of lust. The influence of the necktie is subtle and pernicious and has infiltrated every level of Church leadership. legends-of-the-summer-justin-timberlake-jay-z-1.492.325.c The white shirt and necktie are ubiquitous symbols for male professional conformity and power, but some Christians contend that a man in a suit is too much temptation for the modern Christian sister.

Justin Timberlake and Jay Z acknowledge the power of the well dressed man in the song Suit and Tie. Brother Timberlake croons in the chorus,

And as long as I got my suit and tie, Ima leave it all on the floor tonight.

You are mistaken in hoping Brother Timberlake took off his suit and tie to put on his pajamas,

Stop, let me get a good look at it, Oh, so thick, now I know why they call it a fatty.

In the accompanying video Brother Timberlake sings these seductive lyrics without wearing a necktie. But there must be neckties in the video of the man that brought sexy back. The video cuts to men in neckties dancing provocatively and women in bikinis getting wet. The equivalency is obvious: suit and necktie is to man as bikini is to woman. 79f3f00a22884413b04f5492fec580ac6441e108c06b405c2a18715a06061b07

Yes, suits are very sexy. But, let us focus on harm reduction. Small measured steps we can take to increase the pure thoughts of our congregation. For now let us imagine the buttoned suit jacket as a protective shield. quorum-of-the-twelve-apostles-horizontal1 I have rarely witnessed a General Authority or other prominent Church leader with a necktie nakedly exposed by an open jacket. (It does happen. Google at your own risk.) Instead, a neatly buttoned armor covers the pointy end of the necktie, diminishing the downward gaze towards the Telestial Kingdom. Modesty restored and lustful gaze averted.

The general male membership of the Church is not so noble. They blatantly display their phallic pointers with seductively unbuttoned jackets or no jacket at all. Few are the modest Mormon men that wear a bow tie, vest, or thick sweater to cover the pointy end of the necktie. I say a little prayer of gratitude for each of them when they pass me the sacrament in a modest bow tie. In these latter days of rampant wickedness upon the earth, can we afford to ignore these frivolous fabric phallic pointers and their devastating impact on women and homosexual men? prophets of the churchhistory-neckties Images of early Church leaders depict virile bearded men that had many wives and much progeny. Although they followed the fashion of their day, the cravat or bow-tie maintains the viewers gaze upward towards celestial glory and the face (where one can observe the light of Christ). Early Church leaders didn’t wear a fabric phallic phallus pointer. A cravat or bow tie was good enough.

lookbacklookbackatme-johnthornton

A cravat or bow tie keeps the focus on the face.

In contrast modern leaders walk a fine line: following the winds of fashion by donning the necktie, but diminishing the lust inducing power of Lucifer’s Lust Pointer by keeping their suit jackets closed. dieter-f-uchtdorf To those humble men desiring after righteousness and sincerely asking: How can I help to strengthen the daughters (and gay sons) in the Kingdom of God? I offer simple advice:

  1. Wear an opaque white shirt and no necktie.
  2. If you feel you must wear a necktie then follow Elder Uchtdorf’s example: wear a white tie that blends in with your shirt and keep your suit jacket buttoned.
  3. Avoid the appearance of evil and wear a bow tie.
  4. Wear a vest or sweater (where weather permits) but do not think it is sufficient to don a thin sweater through which the necktie is still clearly visible.

Perhaps some of you are thinking that the necktie as phallic phallus pointer is a limited problem. Maybe Cruelest Month is the only woman in the world having lustful thoughts? Sociology professor Lisa Wade PhD  has written about how the purchasing power of lusty women is driving the rise in “hunkvertising”  She warns that female desire should not be underestimated, stating,

It’s funny to us to think of women being lustful because we don’t really take women’s sexuality very seriously….we don’t really believe that women are the way we imagine men to be.

dick-tie-990x500robert-pattinson-gq-11In the age of battery operated boyfriends and “mommy porn” can we continue to promote the phallic necktie as modest “priesthood attire”? We are putting the rising generation at risk with our reckless participation in dangerous haberdashery.

In the book What do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire, author Daniel Bergner notes that women are just as sexually driven as men, although perhaps “even less well-suited for monogamy than men.” The fairy tale about women not craving raw and varied sex? Turns out that the female sex engine is “not for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety.” Women are just as lusty as men, although perhaps thanks to biology, not as obvious in making that lust known. Erotic romance sales continue to rise as women snap up erotica sometimes dubbed “mommy porn.”You might be surprised to learn how many sisters of Relief Society and Young Women are reading erotica on their tablet or smartphone before flipping on the vibrator.

OK, so ladies are lustier than we thought. Are neckties really sending a message to think about the male sex organ? Late night (after the Holy Ghost is sleeping) television host Craig Ferguson thinks so…  As does Vittorio J ( a fine purveyor of handmade neckties) in this advertising campaign featuring a kinky necktie knot tutorial. Vittorio JDoes this objectified and bound Marilyn-Monroe-type image disturb you?  It should! Visually this perfectly captures what happens to children of God when the sight of an exposed necktie leads them through the mists of darkness to the great and spacious building of worldly sin.

This is not a new problem. Decades earlier, Sister Monroe clearly struggled with neckties as a touchstone for lust. Marilyn_Monroe_shopping

MMtiestroking

Neckties as tools of lust are not a new problem, but they are getting harder to ignore. We must take seriously the spiritual gauntlet women face as they attend church in a sea of phallic pointers. The time has come to speak of the modesty of men and stop promoting neckties as a symbol of orthodoxy. Don-Draper and tie

What does it mean to be a modest man? The convicted sodomite Oscar Wilde stated in the play A Woman of No Importance,

A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.

Truly. The first step in leading women (and gay men) astray and the first tender step in a path that does not take female sexuality seriously. A mindset that values a necktie above the pure thoughts of others is selfish and prideful. Modesty conveys simplicity, decency, humility, and propriety. A modest man cares enough about daughters of God to not come to church wearing a giant arrow that points to his member.

Men, we’re not asking you to suffer discomfort. A scarf will keep your neck warmer than a necktie, a bow tie can symbolize wealth and class or match a prom dress, a bib can keep your shirt clean, a nice sweater or vest can cover your buttons (if you are a man that suffers from button shame). A tie is utterly frivolous. What purpose does it serve other than to point our gaze to your phallus?

Engage in a brief exercise of empathy and imagine something more radical than women wearing pants to church. What if women started wearing bikinis to church? How about giant arrows that point to their breasts and vagina? What if we only let sisters teach and pray in church if they were wearing a bikini or accessorized in a breast/vagina pointer? Well, church attendance would probably increase, but not for the right reasons! Pure thoughts would wither and fail. Yet this is what the women and gay men of our community must endure each day of worship. no-ties

Show your compassion by banning the necktie from public spaces, especially church. Save it for the privacy of your bedroom. Something special for just your spouse to look upon. Women, it is not up to the men alone to correct this wrong. Stop buying neckties for the men in your life. Stop it. Admit you are part of the problem, bringing temptation down upon your sisters and gay brothers with each necktie you gift.

Men, it is truly not your fault that some look down to your sex organ with lustful thoughts. But think when you praise motherhood, how you influence us to covet the mother making powers of your genitalia. It is not penis envy. Our ovaries just want your sperm. Your magic wand is what turns us into mothers.

Finally, ponder on a portion of the Word of Wisdom,

A principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.

As you dress for church on Sunday, think of the weakest of all saints. Those who struggle to meet your gaze and look into your eyes instead of at that place in your pants. Those who try to think on a hymn but only recall the primary song I have Two Little Hands. Think of the weak among us. Just as you abstain from tea, coffee, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs to make life easier for the addicts, set aside your neckties. Adapt to the capacity of the weakest saints suffering from necktie induced lust addiction. Choose modesty and leave the necktie in the bedroom.

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42 Comments

  1. Pure awesomeness. I guffawed and chortled throughout.

    “We must take seriously the spiritual gauntlet women face as they attend church in a sea of phallic pointers.” Ha!

  2. So I must be totally seduced by the phallic arrow because when you wrote “Instead, a neatly buttoned armor covers the pointy end of the necktie, diminishing the downward gaze towards the Telestial Kingdom” I read TESTICULAR Kingdom. Awesome.

    • I just screamed a little bit.

  3. Oh my gosh – hilarious. I so needed a laugh today. Thank you for this delightfully witty post.

  4. Finally, something to explain the trend toward that pearlescent sheen we see so often on contemporary ties.

    • Pearlescent sheen? *face palm* I knew there was something about certain temple neckties that just did not feel right. The tempter is relentless in his fashion assault on morality.

  5. ‘It is not penis envy. Our ovaries just want your sperm.’

    Priceless…

  6. I love this, Cruelest Month! This line in particular made me burst out laughing:

    “Those who try to think on a hymn but only recall the primary song I have Two Little Hands.”

    One quibble: At the beginning, you say, “Neckties are leading women far from the iron rod of righteousness into the shadowy mists of lust.” I thought the problem was that neckties were leading women *toward* the iron rod of . . . something. :)

    • Ziff, I totes should have specified ” the iron- rod of mother making”. I feel myself drawn to it like a tractor beam of lust. It is so hard to be righteous. :(

  7. I guess my biggest objection here is your suggestion that it is okay to wear a tie as long as your coat is buttoned or you’re wearing a sweater. But if I can see the top of your tie, how can I possibly stop myself from imagining the rest of your tie? Is it really any different from a whale-tail? Or wearing a strapless dress with a sweater to prom, but once you get to prom what is to stop you from removing the little sweater, hmmm? To me, that is borderline behavior. I think the safest thing would be for the new male attire to be turtlenecks. Why walk as close to the line as possible? Where is the safety in that? No, better to remove the idea that a man even has a neck that COULD wear a tie.

    I would like to go one step further and discuss the issue of pleats, fit, and posture. It is bad enough to wear a necktie, but does it help matters when poorly chosen dockers and splay-legged position leave very little to the imagination, bulge-wise? Perhaps a High Priest activity devoted to etiquette, in which they practice knees-together, ankles crossed posture would be best. An Elders Quorum trip to the men’s section at Penney’s, where they do a pleats-appropriate fashion show would be a fun and engaging way to remind everyone to keep their lumpy bits well hidden! We can’t expect our young men to dress appropriately when the High Council shamelessly flaunts their sexuality. In the words of Brother Jimmy Fallon, “Everbody’s talking about [your] tight pants. You’ve got your tight pants. You’ve got your tight pants on.”

    • Ha!! “An Elders Quorum trip to the men’s section at Penney’s, where they do a pleats-appropriate fashion show would be a fun and engaging way to remind everyone to keep their lumpy bits well hidden!” Love it, Em.

      • Or a YM fashion show? … ya know. Pre-prom prep and all.

    • I’m sorry, but turtlenecks will not solve the problem for gentlemen of a certain physique. For our brothers who are regulars at the gym, a turtleneck can be just as problematic as a form-fitting t-shirt. They need murkas (man burkas) if they really care about our chastity and virtue as much as they say they do.

      • Murkas! I’m in awe. I just had a vision of the Conference Center as the camera pans across rows of murka clad brethren. I’m filled with blissful glory as I contemplate the wonder of this vision. How can we hasten the day? I want to be ready for it!

      • You can get a preview of one of those murka-clad brethren here:

        http://zelophehadsdaughters.com/2012/04/01/elder-uchtdorf-to-don-burqa/

      • Thank you Ziff! I just took a gander at Elder Uchtdorf in a burka/Murka at ZD. The accompanying article is insightful. I especially appreciated this quote: “The world would have us believe that there’s no sartorial solution to the societal scourge of sexual seductiveness,” Sticklefritz stated. “Critics claim the only ways of completely purging the public square of sexual attraction are chemical or medical. But in the Church we know better. Clothing is key.”
        For the first time in a long time I feel the tingling warmth of hope.

    • Em, I felt such peace as I read your comments. Your words are truly Balm of Gilead! In college I almost always had pure thoughts in the lectures of my turtleneck wearing poet professor. Now I realize that the extra fabric at the neck helped to keep my gaze and thoughts heavenward.
      Finding our way out of the swamps of lust is such a challenge for ladies! Our arousal is so secret. No one can discover our lustful thoughts with a mere glance at our laps. Ours is a deep and unplumbed mine of shame.
      Thank you for having the courage to name the problem of pleats, bulge, and lumps. Even without a necktie to take our eyes ” there” it’s too hard to avoid thoughts of the mommy maker when legs are spread akimbo and fabric caresses where my mind and body parts would like to go.

      • Stop! I’m about to pee my pants! That last line is priceless, Cruelest Month.

      • Thank you for this. Just – thank you.

    • EM, I don’t know you but I think I love you.

  8. I am giggling over this whole thing! Thank you, Cruelest Month!

  9. I am sitting back in my chair and doing the slow-clap. This is so brilliant, Cruelest Month. “Those who try to think on a hymn but only recall the primary song I have Two Little Hands” especially made me chortle.

  10. What about blunt-ended ties? No pointy arrow showing the way to my junk. Good compromise? I don’t want to be “that guy” that wears the bow tie or “that dude” that wears the bolo, men can be quite judgmental. Please help!

    • What an inspired and compassionate solution,the blunt ended tie! It does draw the eye downward towards the testicular…humunuh….Telestial Kingdom (see Heather, I did it too). But I appreciate that the lack of pointy end reduces the harm. For the truly weak minded I fear this won’t be enough. Maybe a nice white matte tie with a blunt end?

    • A blunt ended tie flirts with the line. While not technically an arrow, it still invites the gaze to forbidden regions. Like a cap sleeve on a woman.

      The men who would judge you for wearing a bolo, ascot or bow tie do so because they believe the lies of The World that teach that it is okay, and even cool to engage in this blatantly sexual behavior. Unfortunately, sometimes the men in our own quorums have been misled by this falsehood and mistakenly follow patterns they see in the media. A man who would mock you for modesty is not your friend. Maybe a bolo tie can become a teaching opportunity. When you stand up for your standards, others will see a difference in you.

      Remember, modest is hottest. Bill Nye the Science Guy was sexy in a righteous way, whereas Don Draper was hot in the worldly unrighteous way. And look what happened to him. He turned into a silhouette and fell in slow motion out of a sky scraper past some ads, all because of one small bad choice — his neck ware.

      • I am called to repentance. Em, are you on the Correlation Committee? Your wisdom should be shared within all of our manuals. Upon further reflection I realize that a bulbous knot followed by a blunt ended dangling hunk of fabric is no help at all. I do believe Man is sincere in his good intent. But, “like a cap sleeve on a woman” it is just substituting one type of walking porn for another.

      • This is more complicated than I initially understood. You have to understand, I am not accustomed to being objectified. Sure, I fancy myself as above-average looking, but I have been conditioned into thinking that women are non-sexual beings. I am doing my best to reframe my perspective.

        With that said, I am trapped between my desire to keep the thoughts of the sisters pure, and the cultural norms of my generation.

        This is just so hard. Part of me is frustrated at the weak women who can’t divert their eyes. What happened to personal responsibility!?!

        And help me out, I’m still confused by your discussion of pleats. I can’t figure our if you’re pro-pleat or anti-pleat. I haven’t taken a sufficient about of time to examine which causes my package to protrude farther, but now I feel that I should. I spent a couple of minutes trying to examine this from different angles in the office bathroom until my boss came in and gave me an awkward (and quite judgmental) look.

        Thanks for the continued help!

      • The issue of pleats is highly individual (though of course subject to public judgement). That which is perfectly acceptable on a man of slight build becomes morally reprehensible on a gentleman built along more ample lines. I cannot be more explicit than that without offending the tender feelings of readers. I would never make a blanket statement about pleats, lest it be taken out of context and used as justification for choices that are questionable. Perhaps Cruelest Month would feel more comfortable with guiding you.

        The safest approach, should you harbor any doubt at all, would be to carry a coat in front of you while standing, and drape it across your lap while sitting.

      • Dear Brother Man,
        I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received an answer to your query about pants and pleats. And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication to know if flat fronted or pleated pants are most righteous; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.
        And about 10 minutes ago there came a voice unto me, saying: “Cruelest Month, both flat fronted and pleated pants are displeasing to me. They are corrupted traditions of the fathers. What did my Son wear? What did I wear when I appeared to Joseph Smith?”
        A glorious warmth filled my modestly clothed bosom and I knew with perfect clarity of thought, men must repent and return to wearing robes or kilts.
        I have been so enlightened! I may have to write another blog on all that I learned in my studies (pants as a tool of war mongering horse riders). Pants have no place on the peaceful car driving brothers of the church. There just isn’t a way to make them modest.
        Perhaps you ride a bicycle and think this cause for exemption. Not so. Bicycle riding missionaries put a penny in the hem of their skirt to keep from immodestly flashing their testimony. You can do it too!!
        Thank you Brother Man for inspiring me to seek further light and knowledge on this topic. I know what I’ll be sharing in fast and testimony meeting next month!

      • I most certainly am not going to wear a skirt or kilt or anything of the sort. I’m doing my best to take this seriously, but this is getting out of hand! I care deeply for the spiritual welfare of the sisters, and am troubled because women are typically much more righteous then men.

        I’m beginning to wonder where this is going to end? Even if I agree to wear an ascot and a skirt will all be well? What if the skirt is too form fitting (I know these skirts exist, I have seen you sisters wearing them) and my gentleman bits remain prominent, then what? Will you require that I securely tape my nether regions out of the way?

        This is all very frustrating.

      • Man. I understand your frustration. My intent was certainly not to add to your burdens. I really do believe in harm reduction. A blunt ended tie is a great start! You know best what feels right for you and your personal progress.
        I wouldn’t worry about pleats and pants until you are feeling confident and ready. To quote Sister Jean A. Steven of the General Primary Presidency, “The gospel is not weight; it is wings. It carries us.”
        I realized in college that some people at the LDS Institute were not responding to me the way that I wanted to be treated. I stopped dying my hair purple and reduced my earrings from 7, to 5, then 3 and eventually 2. I bought more clothes from Nordstrom and less from Buffalo Exchange and Wasteland. I stopped wearing fishnets under my cutoff shorts. Tiny changes added up to mission ready modesty after a few years.
        Best wishes!

  11. Richard Armitage wearing a cravat inspires more lustful thoughts in me than any of those other men with their “pointers.”

    • Oh, Alison. I will pray for you sister! Richard Armitage does a lot of strutting around in a suit. That particular screen capture is a moment when he begs for an objectifying female gaze, “Look back!” he chants hypnotically. You are quite correct in imagining he wants you to gaze upon him. It just goes to show how the intent of the heart is so much more powerful than all those men wearing neckties with no intent in their hearts to lure you into lust.
      I chose to focus on neckties as a minimal gesture towards modesty, but suits are a serious problem! Would it help if Brother Armitage wore a Murka? Perhaps you are past saving and a Murka would only represent “easy access” to Brother Armitage?

    • Amen, sister. Richard Armitage in any state of dress or undress taxes the limits of my pure thoughts.

  12. In the words of the kids in my LDS neighborhood… “OMFG”. That is… “oh my frickin goodness” something I typically wouldn’t say because the Lutheran Small Catechism defines that as substituting normally ok words for the bad ones, but hey, when in Zion… lol… Feel free to substitute the equally sinful words you thought originally, though. I’ve sinned either way…

    NOW I know why I feel the way I do when the men of the neighborood go strolling down the street like the cock of the walk! It’s those infernal ties. So many are jacketless, due to the desert heat, they say. Now I know that they are just adding to the ambient temperature. Pointing downward toward the inferno of Heck and the very likely sweaty man parts.

    I doubt I would have noticed them otherwise…

    Thanks for the laugh!

  13. You deserve a Pulitzer Prize….for real. And all the men at church, young and old, need to be taught this concept. LMAO!!!!!

  14. See, this is why I wear suspenders. Makes it look like I’m wearing vertical stripes.

    . . . unless the suspenders are clipped too far in . . . then I have three pointers downward . . .

    no wonder my wife took to me so quickly :P

  15. Cruelest Month, the revelation you received on the wearing of kilts was not from God, but from the Great Deceiver himself. It may have confused you because it was couched in the truth of robes, but kilts only serve to draw the eye upward towards the Buns of Glory which reside behind the Iron Rod of Motherhood Endowment.

    • Sallygirl, I realize now that Lucifer was the one whispering in my ear about kilts. Jesus wore a long robe. The more I look at kilts the more I wonder what is inside of that package hanging from a strap right in front of their Mommy-maker.

  16. I had this realization one day while the missionaries were sitting in my living room. Being that they are young men, there is a tendency to slouch, and so the point of their over long, wide and striped ties laid right over the placket of their pants; which resulted in my contemplation of their package rather than whatever we were talking of at the time.

    Since then I have given this much thought as to how this might be solved. Now given that I enjoy a well dresses man as much as the next woman, I have had to do much self examination on what draws my mind in that direction.

    Now obviously no tie is preferable, but for those men who want to fancy up, a bow tie or cravat and cravat pin is preferable to the long pointed tie. Also, a tie tab (most normally seen worn by women, like in the air force or on Brownie Girl Scouts), would be a way for men to add a touch of modest color. Now, if a man is really set on wearing a long tie, I have noticed that a square ended one that is of uniform width (no wider than the collar fold down) that ends between the diaphragm and the belly button, least likely leads to lusty thoughts.

    Personally, I think that all men should wear waistcoats and the trousers at their waists with suspenders, especially since most men unbutton their coats when sitting down; but I know that might not work for all men.

    I have also noticed another problem that seems specific to gentlemen of substance. And that is the sagging pants, that since the waist is at the hips, don’t quite fit over their substantive backsides. Thus resulting in constant hiking up of the pants. (It is particularly noticeable when the organist is the one with the issue).

    • Pinkrose,
      Thank you for your delicate commentary on reducing the lust induced by neckties. Brother Man is really struggling. I hope he feels uplifted by your words in support of the blunt ended tie.
      I am going to avoid any further commentary on pants so as to not overwhelm those taking their first tender steps on the repentance road to male modesty.

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