Patriarchy Love Poetry

Want to say, “I love you,” to that special someone? And also, “I support the patriarchal order in the home”? Try one of these patriarchy–approved love poems for your sweetheart/head of household/helpmate.

For her:

Roses are red,
The river is wide,
If you weren’t a girl,
I’d let you preside.

For him:

I didn’t elect you,
Your term never expires,
Yet we don’t call you ruler,
You’re just my presider.

For her:

We are a team,
Together we decide,
Unless we disagree,
Then it’s me; I preside.
I love how this system
Gives both of us a say.
I love even more
That I always get my way.

For him:

You’re the one on top
In more ways than one.
Being subject to you
Can be lots of fun.
Y’know what gets me in the mood?
When you call on me to bless the food.

For her:

I love the food too!
I love how you make it!
I love that I don’t have to!
I’ve no time to bake it!
I’m working two jobs
So you don’t have to work at all.
I’m never at home
But “head of the house” I’m called.

For him:

You hold a steady job.
You love the kids so sweetly.
You volunteer at church.
I trust you completely.
But your righteousness would disappear
If we didn’t call you the head, I fear.

For her:

You’re naturally nurturing,
Self-sacrificing,
Angelic.
Happy to drudge:
Mop the floors!
Clean the toilet!
As I lounge in my cot,
Watching you do the chores,
I’m humbled that God made me your overlord.

For him:

This poem will be brief.
I like to be quiet and let you speak.

For her:

You’re the perfect one to share my life
The one I searched for to be my wife,
Intelligent,
Kind,
Worthy to bear my seed,
Yet adequately inferior so I can lead.

For him:

I’m glad you feel important.
We all know if you didn’t,
You’d turn into a monster, a cad;
If there was a sin you’d jump right in it!
Spiritual leader: that’s you.
It’s been divinely assigned.
And yet, as a lady,
I have to keep my man in line.
I’m the neck that moves the head.
So I pretend to have no spine.

For her:

I feel so needed at home
When I tell you what to do.
‘Though I’m hardly ever here
I’m just as involved as you!

For him:

When I nag you to do things
That could be done by me:
Lead family prayer!
Conduct FHE!
I’m just showing you I care.
Your assistant I will be.

For her:

Would you ever leave me?
I know you surely won’t.
How could you afford it?
Money is power
And I’ve got it
And you don’t.

For him:

You’re the captain of our ship,
The commander, CEO.
Except that we don’t have a ship,
An army or a crew.
Sometimes I wonder why we need a boss
For our tiny team of two.
But if a leader there must be
I guess it’s fine that it’s you, not me.

For her:

I’m the head of the house
The captain of our crew
You’re helpmate, first counselor,
My trusted number two.
There must be order in all things
And ours is me first, then you.

April Young Bennett

April Young Bennett is an advocate, mother, professional, lover of the arts, hater (but doer) of housework and seeker of truth. Twitter: @aprilyoungb

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8 Responses

  1. Ziff says:

    Brilliant, April! And hilarious. And sad.

  2. Heather says:

    You’re killin me!!!

  3. MDearest says:

    Today is not a good day. So I couldn’t muster the strength to laugh, even though these are deadly funny. And true.

  4. Violadiva says:

    April, you’re always brilliant, and never more so than when drenched in snark. I love it.
    Let’s remember to re/post this at Valentine’s Day….

  5. Andrew R. says:

    Finny this may be to those who have serious issues in their lives. However, I recognize none of what is written in my parents’ marriage, mine and my wife’s, or my two married daughters. That there are people that may be typical of these stanzas they do not fit my experience or what I have been taught?

    I think you all need to leave Zion and get out into the world.

    • Spunky says:

      Andrew, this comment is in violation of our comment policy. Please review our comment policy in addition to church policy before you make any further presumptions or judgments.

  6. EFH says:

    These poems are hilarious. They should be turned into real post-cards for Valentine. I would buy all of them.

  7. M says:

    Gosh, PLEASE turn these into actual valentines cards so I can buy them all and send them to everyone in my ward. Would love to see these stocked at Deseret Books.

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