I think it’s safe to say we’ve all done it at some point. If you’ve escaped the lure of an argument or heated debate, you’d be lucky indeed (and are invited to share your secrets). But what about the arguments that are inescapable; the ones that are so close to home that you can’t walk away? What is it about our most intimate relationships that inspire such passion in our disagreements? And how often do those differences of opinion center around our religious lives? Whether directly or indirectly (about issues that are merely extensions of church related material, such as time given to callings), do you find these disagreements harder to deal with than other topics? Why or why not?
And if you’ve gone through a crisis of faith in the Church, how did you handle the necessary discussions and conflicts that naturally involved your partner?
I have to say that I’m writing this as a single person, so, some of this may not make sense and I apologize for that.
I believe disagreements are natural in any relationship whether you are single, or not and married or not. and I don’t see it as a problem. It only matters how you argue. The will always be major disagreements when it comes to topics like, Politics, Abuse, Gender. I have one friend I know I can discuss anything with and she never gets mad at me. She respects my opinion and I respect her )I think this may be because she is a lawyer and consequently trained to handle disagreements, which in part means she needs to be a good listener. And that is key.
I don’t need anyone to agree with me. That being said, when I share my experiences, I really, really hate it when people naturally assume that I’m writing from a place of pain, I’m most obsessively not, I’m writing just to share an opinion like everyone else. What I try not to do is offer advice as Gospel truth and I try to not intimate to anyone that just because one doesn’t agree with me that they are somehow not healthy. When this done, I feel as though no matter how nice a person is being , they are being dismissive, as well as marginalizing what I,or anyone else is attempting to share. And it truly pisses me off.
My husband says I argue a lot, but I disagree with him. Sometimes we can discuss for hours whether or not I like to argue.
The best thing about maturity–it leaves no energy for pointless arguments.
I never once heard my parents argue, which can be a good or bad. I suppose there are reasons for it being good. IMO, I think it’s bad in that as for me as a child growing up and as an adult, I don’t have the skills to win or lose an argument. I find it very difficult to be involved in an argument with family/husband because I don’t have those communicative skills and I find it very frustrating. I can’t think on the spot, only when the dust settles do I have something to say, and wished I said it, but then it’s too late. Mind you, there have been times when pushed to the edge, I can come out and defend my position, but at that point I don’t think I handle it well because I lose control and it just becomes a shouting match.
Argh! Again, a poll that does not include single people…
Janna
Just because your single doesn’t mean this doesn’t apply. I’m single to, but, I still have relationships with many different people, at any point in those relationships you can have a disagreement. Learning how to discuss problems and or different issues in a fair way is an important skill to acquire.
You are totally correct. However, the poll specifically asked the participants the question in regards to one’s “significant other.”
I am just tired of trying of trying to make issues apply to me! You are a better woman than I am, Diane 🙂
The only we-might-break-up-about-this argument I’ve ever had with the (nonmember) man who’s now my husband was over bringing up our (hypothetical) children in the Church. That was back when I had the really strong testimony. That was… not an experience I’d like to repeat.
Interestingly, these days we don’t have too many arguments about the Church. I think he views it as he would any other extracurricular I was very excited about. (I don’t argue with him about his first person shooters, either.) And he totally gets the social aspect, more than I was expecting. I expect we may have an argument when the Little One gets old enough for Primary and comes home telling him that he needs to convert or they can’t be together forever… sigh.
I’ve never had an argument with a significant other about religion, but when I was dating a non-LDS guy, we did break up over law of chastity issues. It was a respectful breakup that didn’t really include an argument. It basically came down to the issue that I wasn’t willing to have premarital sex and he wasn’t willing to date someone who wouldn’t have sex with him. So we recognized that we wanted fundamentally different things from a relationship and we parted amicably. We’re still friends.
I wouldn’t really say argue, more like discuss. I don’t find myself getting into heated arguments about this kind of stuff. (but of course the condition of the toilet and the behavior of the children are open for heated debate) When we “discuss” issues like faith it’s done with more respect. That’s the case in our relationship. What’s harder is to come up with a compromise that works for the best of both of us. Faith is such an individual affair, it’s hard to mix with two people when they don’t hold the same beliefs. So neither of us is really happy with the situation, but there is a satisfaction that we see each other’s viewpoint. Not enough to change our own though. It’s hard to go on this personal journey in life with someone who’s path is different than your own.
EmilyCC would say we argue. I would call it discussions in which I am usually right. 🙂
I try not to argue religious issues because doing so just gives more power to religious institutions. I think the greatest success of Satan (or whoever is in charge of bad stuff) is that he (notice that satan, at least is squarly a male persona) successfully convinced Christians that their churches are more important than their spirituality. Or even worse, that without their churches, Christians cannot have real spirituality.
This idea that religion trumps spirituality is so ingrained in Mormonism and mainstream Christianity, yet Christ’s teachings, Smith’s revelations, and many people in between taugh that religion is only intended to suppliment personal spirituality.
I am not aware of any way in which arguing about religion can improve spirituality.
My husband is not a member, so during any crisis of faith, he is my sounding board and shoulder to cry on. We don’t fight about religion. We do have religious discussions, but it’s more philosophical discussions and how certain issues are dealt with in diff religions. He is accepting of any choice I make regarding my religious beliefs, as I am accepting of his.
Yes we’ve argued about religion lots, but try not to. We were BIC, raised in church, BYU attending, temple married, you get the picture. Husband lost his faith and no longer participates. I believe. Our marriage is ok, but we argue about practice of religion in the home, particulary as relates to kids. Mostly we’ve learned to “agree to disagree,” show respect, and be gentle with each other. We’ve both had to soften our stances.