Dear Sister Sassy: Planning A Heterosexual Baptism

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Sister Sassy is the Exponent’s resident agony aunt.  Are you wrestling with a perplexing problem? Unable to resolve a pressing dilemma? Sister Sassy will help you to choose the right, every time!

Dear Sister Sassy,

The time is coming, and is not far distant, when we will once again hear Conference from within the shadow of the everlasting hills. I am raising three future priesthood holders (plus a girl) and I want to observe the Sabbath better than all my Mormon neighbors, who are watching church on TV in their sweatpants! How can we be the most righteous family on the block on Conference weekend, even without the divinely fulfilling opportunity to make my children sit silently and fold their arms through an hour and 15 minutes of Sacrament Meeting in the chapel?

Not a Layabout in Layton

Dear Layton,

Is the program broadcast in the chapel, or is that only available in the mission field? Begin by asking this question loudly to various leaders. This will give others the opportunity to follow your righteous example. If indeed the program is broadcast then you absolutely should dress your children in church clothes and march them to sit in pews for the full eight hours. Rather than returning home between sessions, have lunch in the multi-purpose room and play conference-related games that you have devised from Pinterest. This is a necessity for many people in the world who have to travel to see the broadcast at a meetinghouse. In your case, however, you will find that there are few virtues so worthy as unnecessary sacrifice.

If your bishop flatly refuses to accommodate your desire to set up the broadcast in the chapel, obtain unpadded folding chairs and set them in front of your television. Children must wear church clothes, including tights and ties, all the lights will be off, and there will be no food, games or other distractions.  Leave the curtains open so your unrighteous neighbors, out walking their dogs Beelzebub and Ol’ Scratch, can see you.

Above all, tearfully narrate this experience in church as often as possible. How will you be a light unto the ward if other people don’t get a chance to hear about your example?

 

Dear Sister Sassy,

I am planning my son’s baptism in the coming months. I thought I had it all figured out, with talks on baptism and the Holy Ghost, but now I realize that emphasizing heterosexuality is an important part of this occasion. What steps do I need to take to make sure that his baptism sends the message “we are heterosexual?”

Straight in Salt Lake

Dear Straight,

This is a tricky issue for many people, because in the past you could just follow the predictable template of focusing on covenants and the Comforter. However, so much of the baptism meeting can send complicated homoerotic messages if you’re not cautious! Begin by choosing music carefully. Many seemingly appropriate songs are in fact charged with dangerous messages. “When I am baptized” is a popular choice, but do you really want to be singing about rainbows? Certainly not! Instead, have the group sing the “The Family Is of God,” a song that will remind everyone of gender roles, as is appropriate for a baptism.

Consider having a priesthood holder do a dramatic reading of the Family Proclamation while soft hymn music plays in the background, either in lieu of opening/closing songs, or during the wait for the child to change into dry clothes. It will be memorable and poignant. Another wonderful approach would be to give everyone a copy and read it round-robin style, which is the most effective and engaging method of sharing information. I know uncle Lance and his roommate Anton would be eager to participate! When will they find nice girls to settle down with? This should help!

Remember to avoid the appearance of evil. Having two men in suits stand side by side near the font can look suspiciously like you’re holding a gay wedding. When the person conducting calls the two witnesses forward, have him announce that they are not and never have been sexually involved with one another. (Check that this is so beforehand). Use your cricut to make cute signs for their backs that say “I don’t feel lust, only righteous desire for my wife” and “I lust after women, but then I shame them for being immodest. Not into dudes though!” so that someone walking by the room won’t accidentally draw the wrong conclusion.

Finally, choose refreshments carefully. So many treats are sexually charged. Cannoli, twinkies, bananas, carrots and éclaires are all distinctly phallic. Cupcakes, scoops of ice cream, drop cookies and truffles are basically breasts sitting on a plate. If you could be absolutely certain that guests would pair one male treat with one female treat in an even ratio, all would be well. Unfortunately, this is difficult to guarantee. If heterosexual refreshment seems to be an unobtainable goal, choose chaste and asexual food instead. Graham crackers were specifically designed to be bland and repress carnal desires, and to help deter the urge to touch one’s naughty bits. Pair them with dry corn flakes. This chaste treat is perfect for all occasions!

Good luck!

Is a choice placed before you, and you’re having a hard time choosing the right? Leave your question in the comment section, and Sister Sassy might get around to answering it in a few months!

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26 Responses

  1. cfg says:

    Graham crackers should be the only treat at all church meetings. Many people don’t know the story of Sylvester Graham and that story should be retold often. In fact, the next time I am asked to bring refreshments, I’ll tell it.

    • Em says:

      You should accuse anyone who brings sexually charged treats of attempting seduction and leading others astray. Those wicked sirens of the RS will use any excuse to turn refreshments into an orgy. Even cheerios have very questionable symbolism — a big O? Really? My child would certainly never be offered something so worldly.

    • SS says:

      I’ve read corn flakes were also made to be a deterrent to wretched behavior.

      • Em says:

        That is my understanding too. That is why I eat rice chex. I enjoy a little titillation in the morning.

  2. Rob Osborn says:

    Is this post about mocking God or just a few sneers from the large and spacious building?

  3. sm says:

    It’s about having a sense of humor and recognizing how ridiculous our culture can be.

  4. Tim Rollins says:

    My longstanding personal motto is “If you’re not laughing, you’re not doing it right!” If some delusional self-righteous letter-of-the-law yahoo, whose obsession with the letter of the law has them going ape over this, merely suggest ‘me thinks thou dost protest too much.’

    THAT should stop 90+% of them dead cold in their tracks! Thanks for the desperately needed laugh; a great way to cap off a day at the temple. ***

  5. Fabulous advice as always, Sister Sassy!

  6. Ziff says:

    Thanks for sharing your brilliance, Sister Sassy! I particularly appreciate your insights on the importance of emphasizing heterosexuality at a baptism.

  7. april brown says:

    I am not Mormon, but this is so Baptist, but more spiritual and intelligent. Wish I could read more. You definitely have more freedom to disagree than I had.

  8. Becca says:

    “dramatic reading of the proclamation” PERFECTION.

    • Becca says:

      I do have a question for Sister Sassy, though. My neighbor informs me that I have wrongly letting my “under eight” children take the sacrament, and that I should not let them take it any more until they are baptized. My kids see the sacred emblems as a Bonus Snack, but I just don’t see how I can take the sacrament myself without them getting their paws on the shiny silver trays. What is the best way to wean my toddlers from taking the sacrament, and how do I help them to repent of taking it before they were worthy and qualified to do so?
      Signed,
      Sinning at Six

      • Gemma says:

        And Sister Sassy, do we ladies need to refrain from taking the sacrament during pregnancy so as to avoid letting our children sin in utero?

  9. Genhy says:

    Feminists mocking the church. How out of character.

    • Douglas Brimhall says:

      No, just folks making jokes about how ridiculous our culture can be. And unfortunately, Culture = Church, and the same mis-equating types think Church = Gospel.

  10. Moss says:

    Sound like some commenters are choosing to be offended.

  11. These comments are inspiring a question! What should you do if you encounter a group of feminists engaging in unbecoming Internet frivolity? What is the best way to spread truth and righteousness and show them the error of their ways? And most importantly, when may you do so? Is it okay to surf the web on Sunday if you are engaged in a righteous cause? Or is it better to wait until after the Sabbath? And does the Sabbath end at midnight, or do you have to wait clear until the next morning to teach those rowdy feminists a lesson? Can you claim a Sabbath exemption if you are still using a dial-up connection?

  12. Em says:

    I’ve been thinking about how to respond to those who find this offensive. Not everyone shares the same sense of humor, and so not everyone will find this funny regardless. I will say, however, that denigrating Christ or our covenants is not my point here. I work in the primary and we work hard to prepare children for baptism, and they are very excited for that ordinance. I attend every baptism we have, and of course no one is worried about phallic twinkies. However, I feel that the policy change has suddenly made sex a central focus in determining whether children can be baptized in a way that is inappropriate and inconsistent with questions of personal worthiness. I think we as a church culture have too great a tendency to focus on regulating sexual behavior at the expense of the truths the Savior taught to be central, like repentance, baptism, and following the promptings of the Holy Ghost. My facetious recommendations are meant to highlight that.

    Of course anyone is free to disagree with that opinion, or to find my take here offensive. Humor is my way of coping with a church culture that can be toxic and painful, but being Mormon is an important part of who I am.

  13. 3Dewdrops says:

    I shall follow this advice with strict adherence for, “If you can once get him to the point of thinking that “religion is all very well up to a point,” you can feel quite happy about his soul. A moderated religion is as good for us as no religion at all-and more amusing.” (Screwtape, of course…)

  14. Caroline says:

    Best. Post. Ever. Well done, Sister Sassy!

  15. EmilyCC says:

    I think we’ll be doing a round-robin style reading of the Proclamation of the Family as people are getting their seats at each session during April General Conference. Thank you, Sister Sassy!

  16. Quimby says:

    With the recent events in Oregon, I’ve been wondering how I should best show my support for armed insurrection against a democratically elected government? Is it proper for a woman to take up arms in support of a purposeful misreading of the Constitution which is designed to give even more free stuff to white men? Or is it my duty instead to cook and clean so that they can focus on their important task of ensuring they don’t have to pay single cent of their pretend-incomes, or repay a single cent of their generous government loans, to a tyrannical federal government?

  1. January 3, 2017

    […] Em, in her post “Dear Sister Sassy: Planning a Heterosexual Baptism” at the Exponent: […]

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