Dear Sister Sassy: Planning A Heterosexual Baptism
Sister Sassy is the Exponent’s resident agony aunt. Are you wrestling with a perplexing problem? Unable to resolve a pressing dilemma? Sister Sassy will help you to choose the right, every time!
Dear Sister Sassy,
The time is coming, and is not far distant, when we will once again hear Conference from within the shadow of the everlasting hills. I am raising three future priesthood holders (plus a girl) and I want to observe the Sabbath better than all my Mormon neighbors, who are watching church on TV in their sweatpants! How can we be the most righteous family on the block on Conference weekend, even without the divinely fulfilling opportunity to make my children sit silently and fold their arms through an hour and 15 minutes of Sacrament Meeting in the chapel?
Not a Layabout in Layton
Is the program broadcast in the chapel, or is that only available in the mission field? Begin by asking this question loudly to various leaders. This will give others the opportunity to follow your righteous example. If indeed the program is broadcast then you absolutely should dress your children in church clothes and march them to sit in pews for the full eight hours. Rather than returning home between sessions, have lunch in the multi-purpose room and play conference-related games that you have devised from Pinterest. This is a necessity for many people in the world who have to travel to see the broadcast at a meetinghouse. In your case, however, you will find that there are few virtues so worthy as unnecessary sacrifice.
If your bishop flatly refuses to accommodate your desire to set up the broadcast in the chapel, obtain unpadded folding chairs and set them in front of your television. Children must wear church clothes, including tights and ties, all the lights will be off, and there will be no food, games or other distractions. Leave the curtains open so your unrighteous neighbors, out walking their dogs Beelzebub and Ol’ Scratch, can see you.
Above all, tearfully narrate this experience in church as often as possible. How will you be a light unto the ward if other people don’t get a chance to hear about your example?
Dear Sister Sassy,
I am planning my son’s baptism in the coming months. I thought I had it all figured out, with talks on baptism and the Holy Ghost, but now I realize that emphasizing heterosexuality is an important part of this occasion. What steps do I need to take to make sure that his baptism sends the message “we are heterosexual?”
Straight in Salt Lake
This is a tricky issue for many people, because in the past you could just follow the predictable template of focusing on covenants and the Comforter. However, so much of the baptism meeting can send complicated homoerotic messages if you’re not cautious! Begin by choosing music carefully. Many seemingly appropriate songs are in fact charged with dangerous messages. “When I am baptized” is a popular choice, but do you really want to be singing about rainbows? Certainly not! Instead, have the group sing the “The Family Is of God,” a song that will remind everyone of gender roles, as is appropriate for a baptism.
Consider having a priesthood holder do a dramatic reading of the Family Proclamation while soft hymn music plays in the background, either in lieu of opening/closing songs, or during the wait for the child to change into dry clothes. It will be memorable and poignant. Another wonderful approach would be to give everyone a copy and read it round-robin style, which is the most effective and engaging method of sharing information. I know uncle Lance and his roommate Anton would be eager to participate! When will they find nice girls to settle down with? This should help!
Remember to avoid the appearance of evil. Having two men in suits stand side by side near the font can look suspiciously like you’re holding a gay wedding. When the person conducting calls the two witnesses forward, have him announce that they are not and never have been sexually involved with one another. (Check that this is so beforehand). Use your cricut to make cute signs for their backs that say “I don’t feel lust, only righteous desire for my wife” and “I lust after women, but then I shame them for being immodest. Not into dudes though!” so that someone walking by the room won’t accidentally draw the wrong conclusion.
Finally, choose refreshments carefully. So many treats are sexually charged. Cannoli, twinkies, bananas, carrots and éclaires are all distinctly phallic. Cupcakes, scoops of ice cream, drop cookies and truffles are basically breasts sitting on a plate. If you could be absolutely certain that guests would pair one male treat with one female treat in an even ratio, all would be well. Unfortunately, this is difficult to guarantee. If heterosexual refreshment seems to be an unobtainable goal, choose chaste and asexual food instead. Graham crackers were specifically designed to be bland and repress carnal desires, and to help deter the urge to touch one’s naughty bits. Pair them with dry corn flakes. This chaste treat is perfect for all occasions!
Is a choice placed before you, and you’re having a hard time choosing the right? Leave your question in the comment section, and Sister Sassy might get around to answering it in a few months!