I am painfully conflict averse so I very rarely bring up any of my feminist beliefs in a church setting. I also try not to make waves so that I can have credibility and continue to enjoy the free rein that I have in leading the Activity Day Girls and my other callings. So for the most part I’ve created a happy little feminist bubble for myself, this bubble has allowed me to be more or less content attending church every week and raising my kids in the church as well.
All of the uproar surrounding the events I mentioned have brought into stark relief just how hostile members of the church can be towards people who think and feel the way I do. It has led people I know, people that would normally never even broach the subject, to pontificate on feminism in person and on their facebook pages.
My son is almost baptism age and we’ve been talking about baptism with him. In doing so I found myself practically trying to talk him out of getting baptized. In trying to figure out why I was saying the things I said I realized it’s because I don’t want to go to church any more. For the first time in my life, not going to church anymore seemed like a really good idea. If church is so draining and hostile to me what benefit is there in continuing to go?
Last Sunday I was finally set apart for a calling I received almost a month ago. At that point I had been privately toying with the idea of quitting, but had reached no decision either way. As the blessing started I prayed silently for something meaningful to come out of it.
“You are making a difference.”
The man who gave the blessing isn’t the most attentive, or thoughtful person I know. I’m fairly certain that those weren’t his words. He went on to say a few other things about struggles and burdens that also were not his words. That sentence, “You are making a difference,” has been rattling around in my mind ever since.
As far as I’m concerned there is only one way to interpret that. Dragging myself to church every week may not be doing much good for me, but it’s doing something. So I will keep going to church even though it sometimes feels like sneaking into enemy territory.