Exponent II Classics: Hardy Mums


Mommy Mum and Baby Mum
Originally uploaded by Sister72

A friendly reminder that Exponent II magazine subscriptions are up and running.  If you enjoy this classic, you won’t want to miss our upcoming Winter issue.

Linda Collins
Marlborough, Massachusetts
Vol. 13: No. 1 (Fall 1986)

I watched you as you sat on the corner of her hospital bed, your face so full of love that I almost felt like an intruder.  Your eyes would move from her face to the monitor bleeping and beating out the rhythm of her 80-year-old heart.

This was your mother, tiny and frail, whose body had borne yours forty-three years ago.  She was a beauty.  I had studied her fair, Irish face at twenty, looking at me from that photograph that stood on the dresser in your dad’s bedroom.  No wonder he had loved her.  In her eyes, you could see the glimmerings of the goodness of her soul.

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Grape Hyacinth

Small blue bottle on a shelf in the kitchen
holds one grape hyacinth
I plucked from a neighbor’s lawn.
Each day I watch the tiny thing die.
This is what I do when I come to the sink.
This is my document of observation.
First the little purple poufs at the bottom fade slightly
then slowly collapse like balloons running out of air
at an excruciating, slow pace.
I can almost hear the air whistling out
a miniscule breath, imperceptible.

The process moves up the stem
row by row of inedible miniature grapes:
the fading color
indigo to pale periwinkle
invisible pinprick that makes no pop but lets out the air
and withering carries on
until the lowermost grapes become raisins
so tight you think they cannot curl into themselves
even a tiny bit more but they do
the whole while an inaudible wheeze–
Exhale.
This gradual dying.

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Guest Post: Patrician

My mom wrote this essay in 1988, a few months after her grandmother, Juna Tye Peterson died.  The painting, Juna Tye Peterson mopping the kitchen floor at 342 W Vernon, was painted by by grandfather, Evan Tye Peterson.–EmilyCC

by Mary Clyde

It is her nose that I recall most vividly as I sat by her bed watching her trying to get on with the business of dying. Impractically and improbably patrician. I had decided that it must be patrician long before I knew exactly what the word meant. It looked like the word. It was proud and regal. It was a nose with a birthright. It was everything that my grandmother was not.

I saw it duplicated on her sons to a more handsome and fitting effect, but in that transfer it lost some of its power. And though she was not elegant nor aristocratic, she was powerful. On her death bed she was not powerful. Her skin was white, her hair was white, the sheets were white. And she whispered, “Help me.” I smiled with stupid encouragement.

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Mortality

Watch your husband. If you are lucky—should he die in your presence—scoop him up and shovel him into the cellar; give him the kiss of half-life to keep his circulation going; stick a needle full of blood anti-coagulant into him; then cool his body with ice packs which you should have prepared earlier. Wrap him in blankets and freeze him with dry ice to minus 150 degrees Farenheit. Now move him into a capsule of liquid nitrogen which will freeze him to minus 320 degrees but—and this is the hard part—don’t drop him, for should he accidentally slip to the floor (cold cellar tiles, frozen spouse), he will shatter like a ton of glass—a million icy shards of husband everywhere—terrible mess.Then, rest in hope that cryonics, or “cryopreservation”—using extreme cold to preserve “living” tissue—will keep him intact until future medical skills can de-ice him and reverse the cause of his death, whether the icky ticker, the organ moribund, the circling C of cancer cells, curling like a finger, beckoning. (You say he died of old age? Nonsense. It is not legal to die of old age, no death certificate can say that; you must die in a clinical category.)

Of course, people have always wanted life after death, in heaven or in books, through fame or through their children.
-Jay Griffiths, A Sideways Look at Time.

In the PBS Documentary The Mormons, prominent intellectual Harold Bloom stated:

Of all religions that I know, the one that most vehemently and persuasively defies and denies the reality of death is the original Mormonism of the prophet, seer and revelator Joseph Smith.

Out of the whole documentary, this statement is what most stuck with me, perhaps because I’ve been pondering my own mortality as well as how I might cope with the death of, say, my husband. Joseph Smith seemed fairly concerned with death–many of the revelations he sought and recieved seemed to be well-suited to ease his anxiety over death. It is easier in many ways to believe that those things we are attached to . . . our bodies, our families, our friends, will continue on just as they are now.

On the show Six Feet Under , which looks at myriad ways people deal with death, and with living, a grieving woman asks the funeral director, “Why do people have to die?” His answer: “To make life important. None of us know how long we’ve got, which is why we have to make each day matter.”

A while ago I took a class on all the various aspects of aging. The professor started off the class by asking us, “If you could take a magic pill that would make you live until you’re 150, would you?”

Some in the class answered that of course they would. Others considered that the relationships that make life meaningful would all be gone by then, so it might not be worth it. Still others said that they might become lazy, knowing they had much more time to live out their life. A sense of urgency or responsibility might be lost. As much as the capriciousness and unpredictability of death might frighten me, knowing the exact age I would die stirs in me an even greater unease. Not knowing spurs me to make each moment count, to be here in this moment, every moment.

I can’t say how I will react when major tragedy and loss comes into my life, as it most inevitably will. Nor can I say how I will feel when my own death seems sooner rather than later. I’m sure it will test and transform me in ways I cannot currently conceive. However, I think facing into the abyss rather than closing my eyes to it is what will ultimately help me do what work I have here and now. I am grateful for this limited, mortal body I have. The fleeting fragility and tenuousness of life, like a short-lived butterfly or spring flower, is what makes it most beautiful and precious.

What do you think of Harold Bloom’s statement?

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Catalina Island

This is a prose piece I wrote six years ago about a brush with death. There is also a corresponding poem, written three years after the incident, which I posted a while back on my poetry blog.

It was father’s day 1994. We set out for a day of diving and carried our gear down the Catalina tiled streets to the dive park in Avalon Bay. My dad was my diving buddy that day. As soon as we entered the water, our personalities changed. No more talking. Period. We waved our hands around and flicked our finned feet as we smiled and made big eyes through our masks at schools of silver fish and pink, purple, and yellow coral beds. At 40 feet down, the big colorful fish became friendly and really, this was my favorite depth. But I was in the water that day for a deep dive to complete my open-water certification. We went down to the sandy bottom. No more plant life and bright colors but there were interesting treasures hiding in the sand as well. We fiddled around on the bottom, a current slowly and silently taking us down a slope to deeper depths. Soon we realized we were at 120 feet and heard boats overhead. Boats could not enter the dive park so we figured we weren’t in the dive park boundaries anymore. We made some primitive signs to each other and decided to begin our ascent.

As soon as we’d gone up a few feet, I knew something was wrong. I was breathing in bits of water—the awful salty substance that plagues the ocean—with each breath. I told myself to stay calm and that it was not so much water that it hindered my breathing. Dad and I were supposed to wait for five minutes every 15 feet but when we stopped at 100 feet, and needed to wait, I was overcome with more water coming in as I breathed. My mask began filling with water as well and after failed attempts at trying to clear it, I could no longer see my father. He could tell I was becoming panicky but there was no way of communicating. I could not see. He held my ankle as I panicked and tried to go up for air for another breath toward the light above where I knew there was air and what could he do except let go and hope and pray that I wouldn’t be hurt. He was caught in the realization of being my father at that moment I’m sure, and it pained him more than it pained me to let me go like that. His prayers were ascending faster than mine. I twisted for breath and went up, up, up and he probably thought, she could have breathed my air I have plenty and I would have but I couldn’t tell him what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him and he couldn’t tell me anything because I couldn’t see him but I knew he was only trying to save me by grabbing my ankle, and I just plain panicked. I went up, kicking, but I wasn’t going any faster than my bubbles that were full of prayers and urgent ones and my lungs were tightening with air as it expanded and my eyes were looking up because when I looked down the water in the mask got into my eyes and the light above became brighter and I couldn’t breathe where was the air my body needed and why was it taking so long and why did the surface look so close but it was taking so long and I needed air and I said, God, I can’t do anything now to save my own life, you have my life now, save it or take it now because it is no longer in my hands. And he saved it because I came to the surface and came into the air and broke through that mirror of light that was the top of the thick substance we call water which we cannot breath to stay alive.

Everything was so bright and I coughed and yanked off my mask. My diving vest was extra tight because the air inside it also had expanded as I ascended. My lungs exploded with air as I forced it out and pulled it in and coughed all the water that had come into my mouth and throat and burned inside my sinuses. A boat came over and helped me up. The men in it were middle-aged yuppies and they were kind and suntanned and the boat was bright and clean and everything was bright and clean and where at last, where was my father? We waited and he finally came up, and was looking for me. And he was safe and he saw me and I was safe and he was full of love and relief. I was okay that day. I only had a little ache in my chest from my expanding lungs, but I must’ve been letting air out of my lungs the whole way up. And after that day, I was fine. Death had seemed to be upon me in a form as clear as I had ever known. God is merciful.

That day, my father gave me a rock he’d found at the deepest part of our dive. It has an interesting shape from years and years of being swept along a bare, sandy bottom. It stands almost like a tiny, dark statue of some whimsical creature with long legs and neck. I still have it and keep its significance mostly to myself. In one of the darkest moments of my life, the dancing surface above me and the twirling bubbles and the sunlight as spotlight had all been so beautiful, a contrast that continues to stay with me.

Have you ever felt close to dying? If so, how has it changed you, your relationships, and how you see things?

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