She writes:

When I’ve taught this lesson in the past, I usually do most of it straight—basically following the outline of the manual. Since I came from an all-girl family, I personally found most of the specific information about the roles and duties of each priesthood office to be rather eye-opening. I had never been taught that information very explicitly up until the time that I taught this lesson—which probably speaks a little bit to the gendered nature of instruction in the church. I think that women should be more fully informed about this information too, so that was one of the goals of my lesson. Women should know about the structure and organization of the priesthood.

The old Gospel Principles manual used to have a drawing of a church and had each of the priesthood offices making up the different “parts” of the church. I scanned that image, then I typed in the details about the roles and responsibilities of each office onto the image. I made a handout with this image on the first page and used it as the basic guide for my lesson. Here is a link to it.

Here’s where I do something different: after going through all the different offices of the priesthood, I then transition to the final section of the lesson by saying, “So that’s the organization of the priesthood on the earth, but if you’ll flip over to the back side of your handout…” On the reverse side of the handout, I put an image of a blank family pedigree chart. Pointing to the pedigree chart, I then say: “This is the organization of the kingdom of God both on the earth and in heaven: the family. This is how we will be organized in the celestial kingdom and this is why marriage in the temple is so central to Heavenly Father’s plan.”

I then have someone read D&C 131: 1-4. I then say: “So, in order to obtain the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, both a man and a woman must enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage.  Even though a man holds the priesthood, he cannot enter into this order of the priesthood (the patriarchal priesthood) without his wife.

“So, as women we are very much a part of this priesthood organization. We are a crucial and integral part of this organization.

“Looking back on the front page of this handout, it is important to remember that even though President Monson holds the highest office in the priesthood on this earth, his highest responsibility is to his wife and his children.

“Remember that this [the front page] priesthood organization exists to support this [the back page] organization.  Not the other way around.”

I then conclude by encouraging the women to study more about the priesthood organization. I also encourage them to look to the scriptures, the words of the prophets, and sacred temple ceremonies in order to gain a deeper understanding of the new and everlasting covenant, the Abrahamic covenant, and the Patriarchal Order. (It’s my way of saying that there’s a lot more stuff out there to learn about our church’s doctrine. Deep stuff that is not taught explicitly because of the sacred nature of the temple ceremony, but which totally validates my own feminist views, at least in my own mind. But that’s as far as I take it in a traditional church setting.)

***********************

I think Alyssa’s goal of ultimately including women in this discussion and focusing on their centrality in God’s plan is great.

I might also consider asking some discussion questions towards the end about women’s relationship to this priesthood organization. I might return to that handout with the Church outline and comment that this is accurate in a two dimensional sort of way. But the Church is three dimensional. I might draw a house (church) on the board and make it three dimensional. I would point to that new space that’s created and say that women and children are in this building as well, and that we’re creating foundations and holding up pillars and walls and ceilings, along side the men.  I would quote Joseph Smith (via Sarah Granger Kimball), saying,

“I will organize the women…after the pattern of the priesthood. … The Church was never perfectly organized until the women were thus organized.”

Question: Why would this be the case? Why would the women have to be organized for the Church to be complete?  How does the Relief Society and other auxiliaries likewise contribute in the important duties of helping God’s plan for his children come to pass? (consider asking one or two thoughtful women beforehand to think of anecdotes they might share about how the RS has helped them expand their vision and grow and serve in important ways.)

I might also give my own answer to the question – that all these various quorums and auxiliaries within the ward generally work together to help people in times of need, and provide aid and support.  There are multiple people that do this –  home teachers, auxiliary presidents, quorum presidents, visiting teachers, etc. There’s a redundant coverage, which is good, so people don’t slip through the cracks so easily. There are lots of people to specifically called and asked to look after individuals. I then illustrate this with a story of a time when multiple people came to my (or someone) else’s aid in a time of struggle.

Towards the beginning of the lesson, as you are laying out some of the different duties of the various quorums, etc. I would try to initiate a discussion with this question:

Why do you think our Church is organized this way? What are the advantages and disadvantages of such a system?”

This is an open ended question, with no right or wrong answers. But here are some things that occur to me. This system is heavily authoritarian. And authority is good for coordination and efficiency. There are clear lines of responsibility. However, authority can get taken advantage of. People can feel shut out and feel that their opinions don’t count. That’s why that section in D&C 121 is so important – people, men and women, need to lead by gentleness and persuasion and do their best to consciously include and respect the ideas of others.

Prophets Are God’s Representatives on Earth

To open the lesson I would lead a discussion of what a prophet is, why prophets are necessary and what they can provide the world. A variety of answers is likely but all will probably stay close to how the lesson manual answers those same questions :

“A prophet is called by God to be God’s representative on earth. When a prophet speaks for God, it is as if God were speaking (see D&C 1:38). A prophet is also a special witness for Christ, testifying of His divinity and teaching His gospel. A prophet teaches truth and interprets the word of God. A prophet calls the unrighteous to repentance. A prophet receives revelations and directions from the Lord for our benefit. A prophet may see into the future and foretell coming events so that the world may be warned.

A prophet may come from various stations in life. They may be young or old, highly educated or unschooled…What, then, identifies a true prophet? A true prophet is always chosen by God.”

I love this point, the only requirement to be a prophet is to be chosen of God. Often it is the most unlikely of candidates that is chosen to fulfill God’s divine purposes. For example, Enoch was hated by the people he was called to serve because he was slow of speech. Moses also described himself as slow of tongue. And of course, at times God has called women to share God’s message and lead the people. Miriam, Deborah, Huldah and Anna have the distinct privilege of being called “prophetess”  and each fulfilled an important mission. (If you’re interested in exploring the women prophets of the Bible, this is a fascinating paper to read.)

Through the Ages God Has Called Prophets to Lead Mankind

As the lesson manual makes clear in the previous section, prophets can look very different but all are called of God. Perhaps you can ask class members to share the stories of some of their favorite prophets.

“How have these prophets guided God’s children?”

“What have you learned from the lives and teachings of prophets?”

We Have a Living Prophet on the Earth Today

This is another section that is perfect for open discussion:

“Why do we need a living prophet today?”

Sheri Dew talks about the benefit of having prophets during our mortal existence:

Indeed, this life is a test. It is a test of many things—of our convictions and priorities, our faith and our faithfulness, our patience and our resilience, and in the end, our ultimate desires. Yet there are times when the vision and hope of a Big Finish are dimmed by immediate demands, days when one might wish for a mortal exam that was a little more manageable.

Thankfully, our experience here is an open-book test. We know why we’re here, and we have from prophets ancient and modern an extensive set of instructions.

We Should Sustain the Lord’s Prophet

As this lesson is for Relief Society sisters you might want to read this quote by President James E. Faust:

The rise of the Church from Palmyra to Kirtland, from Kirtland to Nauvoo, from Nauvoo to the West, and in over 150 countries all over the world has come about because the body of the Church, wherever it was, has been loyal to the Brethren. Millions of men and women have followed the prophets of God. I wish to pay special tribute to all of the faithful women since the time of the Restoration who have listened to the prophetic voice of the Church. Their supernal womanly gifts and talents have blessed the work of God in a most important and indispensable way.

How can we, as women, sustain the prophet? How can this contribute to the work of God in “important and indispensable ways”?

Great Blessings Follow Obedience to the Prophet

D&C 21 tells us that if we receive the words of the prophets and follow them that “the gates of hell shall not prevail against you; yea, and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his name’s glory.”

Ask the sisters how obeying the prophet has blessed their lives?

I echo the idea of Chieko Okazaki that the close-knit community, bonded together by love and the shared desire to follow the principles of the gospel is one of the biggest blessings of following the prophet:

All over the world, as brothers and sisters in the gospel, we can learn from each other, grow closer together, and increase in love for each other. Our unity grows from what we have in common all around the world. They are the doctrines and ordinances of the gospel, our faith in the Savior, our testimonies of the scriptures, our gratitude for guidance from living prophets, and our sense of ourselves as a people striving to be Saints. These are the principles of the gospel.

As you close this lesson, consider sharing your own experience with sustaining and following the prophet. As the spirit prompts, share your testimony of the living prophet.

“Do not do unto others as you would expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.” – George Bernard Shaw

“The golden rule is a good standard which is further improved by doing unto others, wherever reasonable, as they want to be done by.” – Karl Popper

“If the cat were you, and you were the cat, would you like that to be smashed flat, flat as a mat by a great big cat? The Golden Rule says no!” – Carol Lynn Pearson, My Turn on Earth

Ever since I was a little girl singing along to the My Turn on Earth records, I’ve loved the Golden Rule. But recently I’ve been thinking about how the Golden Rule alone can be misguided and produce less-than-desirable results. Two recent experiences illustrate this.

1. My visiting teaching companion loves to be challenged. She wakes up every morning and runs a couple of miles through rain, snow, or below-freezing temperatures. She eats up General Conference addresses and is always refining her list of goals. At one visit to a sister who is married to a member of the Catholic faith, my companion surprised me by challenging the sister to go to the temple and get her endowment. She then proceeded to ask this sister if she hadn’t done so before because her husband might not like the garment. This sister seemed caught off guard by the challenge and didn’t want to discuss the underwear issue. She was always much more guarded with us on subsequent visits.

2. This same companion later challenged another one of our sisters to pay a generous fast offering, telling her that there really is no sufficient tithe that is not accompanied by a substantial sacrifice in fast offerings. This might be an OK message for many members of the Church, but this sister had previously confided to us that she earned less that $15,000 a year and was the sole provider for her family of six. The sister quietly responded to my companion that she wasn’t ready to pay a generous fast offering yet, and that her goal was to eventually stop taking fast offering funds to support her family and to be able to pay tithing so she could regain her temple recommend. This sister replied with much more confidence than the first sister and seemed to forgive us right away, but I still ached that she was put in the situation to explain such private needs to us in her defense of rejecting the initial misplaced but well-meaning challenge.

I don’t bring these up to criticize my companion (and therefore thwart the Golden Rule as I write this). She is an amazing woman and good friend. I believe both of these instances occurred because she was following the Golden Rule and treating our sisters how she would want to be treated, challenging them how she would want to be challenged. These instances are just examples of something I observe from time to time in the Church, where the standards we set for ourselves might not be right at the time for someone else.

People are different. They are in different places in their lives and they have different circumstances. Treating them like ourselves without adding in the element of empathy and accounting for personality differences can take something that started with good intentions but eventually ends up causing awkwardness, pain, or offense. What’s that they say about good intentions anyway? To an extrovert, being asked to skooch in and sit closer to everyone else in the room may help her feel like part of a group, but to an introvert who likes to take the back row in Relief Society, the physical proximity to so many others can be, ironically, more alienating than allowing her to sit where she chooses.

Some non-extensive research on Wikipedia introduced me to the Platinum Rule, which is essentially taking the Golden Rule but instead of treating others how you want to be treated, you treat others how they want to be treated.

I have seen many Church members acting in accordance with the Platinum Rule. For example, my father has been involved in missionary-related callings for almost as long as I can remember. When I was younger, he was involved in huge reactivation efforts that were very stats driven, and I remember him making a difference in the lives of several people our Utah ward. Now he’s serving as ward mission leader again, but I was surprised to see that his approach has changed over the years. He recently showed me his current ward mission plan. The first item read, “Reach out in friendship to all those living within our ward boundaries with no other agenda.” I think he’s on to something. Living in Utah can sometimes be a socially isolating experience for those who are not LDS, and he wants to focus on letting all of his neighbors have a positive experience with the Mormons they live with. His second point was also amazing: “Allow those of other faiths to teach us about their beliefs. Be humble and willing to learn from their beliefs.”

Don’t mistake my dad’s testimony. If he were to strictly do unto others as he would have done unto him, he’d definitely be more forceful in sharing the gospel that he treasures and believes is the only road to salvation, exaltation, and eternal families. But that kind of zealousness from “knowing the truth” and wanting everyone else to see it your way can be off-putting, and I respect his willingness to pause and listen to his friends of other faiths. Remember that scripture in Alma 38:12 on bridling one’s passions? I find it interesting that it pertains to not being too overbearing with one’s own certainty of the truth.

So, here’s my case for adding empathy to the Golden Rule. While we’re at it, a dash of personal revelation might help us meditate on what others want. Personal revelation and discernment allow us to find what’s best for a given situation, and sometimes what is right for your situation is not right for others. Giving them that right to be different from you might be the most ethical treatment of all.

The Creation

I love the opening of this lesson, and would probably read it verbatim. Say that we’re talking about God’s plan for us, and ask the follow-up question about why we needed to come to the earth. You’ll probably get the standard answers of needing to receive bodies and needing to progress and learn so we could be like our Heavenly Parents. Then go on to read the paragraph that follows, as well as its follow-up question.

God’s Plan for Us

• Why did we need to come to the earth?

When we lived as spirit children with our heavenly parents, our Heavenly Father told us about His plan for us to become more like Him. We shouted for joy when we heard His plan (see Job 38:7). We were eager for new experiences. In order for these things to happen, we needed to leave our Father’s presence and receive mortal bodies. We needed another place to live where we could prepare to become like Him. Our new home was called earth.

• Why do you think we shouted for joy when we learned of the plan of salvation?

We were eager to come to the earth. We wanted a chance to grow and progress, and we wanted a chance to prove ourselves. Just as teenagers preparing to go to college, we were ready to leave our parents’ house and set off on our own. We wanted to show that we were able and capable. Ask class members to share their own experiences and stories of when they left home or when their children left home. This gives us an interesting insight into our Heavenly Parents’ perspective on all of this. They obviously want us to live up to our potential and grow to be a wonderful contributing adult capable of taking care of ourselves. On the other hand, it’s hard to watch a child strike out on their own. You’re nervous you haven’t prepared them well enough, or that others will influence them to do things they shouldn’t and you won’t be around to curb the influence. Our Heavenly Parents must have been proud of us for choosing to come to the Earth and to grow and be like them, but they must also have been nervous about the choices we would make when given the opportunity.

I don’t have much to share about the next section, but I’ll leave it in here for those who want to go over it. I have always liked the idea that there are more worlds out there just like ours, with people on them doing the same kinds of things we’re doing.

Jesus Created the Earth

Jesus Christ created this world and everything in it. He also created many other worlds. He did so through the power of the priesthood, under the direction of our Heavenly Father. God the Father said, “Worlds without number have I created; … and by the Son I created them, which is mine Only Begotten” (Moses 1:33). We have other testimonies of this truth. Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon saw Jesus Christ in a vision. They testified “that by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God” (D&C 76:24).

This section gets to the core of the lesson with the first question.

Carrying Out the Creation

• What are the purposes of the Creation?

Obviously you’ll have already talked about how we were created to get bodies, to prove ourselves worthy to return to live with our Heavenly Parents. I would ask the question anyway. After listening to what your class has to say, I would point out that we humans were not the only things created. Then I would read the next two paragraphs.

The earth and everything on it were created spiritually before they were created physically (see Moses 3:5). In planning to create the physical earth, Christ said to those who were with Him, “We will go down, for there is space there, … and we will make an earth whereon these [the spirit children of our Father in Heaven] may dwell” (Abraham 3:24).

Under the direction of the Father, Christ formed and organized the earth. He divided light from darkness to make day and night. He formed the sun, moon, and stars. He divided the waters from the dry land to make seas, rivers, and lakes. He made the earth beautiful and productive. He made grass, trees, flowers, and other plants of all kinds. These plants contained seeds from which new plants could grow. Then He created the animals—fish, cattle, insects, and birds of all kinds. These animals had the ability to reproduce their own kind.

I would pause here and ask the class about the purposes of creating the earth and everything else (besides humans) on it. After listening to their answers, I would use the opportunity to transition to the last section in the manual. You could first read the last paragraph of this section about how humans were the crowning creation, but then move on to point out that everything else was created because our Heavenly Parents wanted to show their love for us.

Now the earth was ready for the greatest creation of all—mankind. Our spirits would be given bodies of flesh and blood so they could live on earth. “And I, God, said unto mine Only Begotten, which was with me from the beginning: Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and it was so” (Moses 2:26). And so the first man, Adam, and the first woman, Eve, were formed and given bodies that resembled those of our heavenly parents. “In the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:27). When the Lord finished His creations, He was pleased and knew that His work was good, and He rested for a time.

God’s Creations Show His Love

• How do God’s creations show that He loves us?

This is another great place to open things up for class discussion. Hopefully some class members will have insights they want to share, but if not, go on and read the next two paragraphs.

We are now living in this beautiful world. Think of the sun, which gives us warmth and light. Think of the rain, which makes plants grow and makes the world feel clean and fresh. Think of how good it is to hear a bird singing or a friend laughing. Think of how wonderful our bodies are—how we can work and play and rest. When we consider all of these creations, we begin to understand what wise, powerful, and loving beings Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father are. They have shown great love for us by providing for all of our needs.

Plant life and animal life were also made to give us joy. The Lord said, “Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart; yea, for food and for raiment, for taste and for smell, to strengthen the body and to enliven the soul” (D&C 59:18–19). Even though God’s creations are many, He knows and loves them all. He said, “All things are numbered unto me, for they are mine and I know them” (Moses 1:35).

• What are some things you appreciate about God’s creations?

I love this as a closing question in the lesson, since I think it can easily take whatever class time you have remaining. If people are having a hard time getting into it, get them started by sharing some things you yourself appreciate. Here are a few things I might share:

• I have traveled across the country, and I have gone to many national parks. I love nature, and I love the beauty that can be found in so many different environments. I love the glistening white sand beaches and turquoise water I saw in Puerto Rico. I love the thick forests and waterfalls I got to see in western NC. I love the lakes around every bend in Minnesota. I love the barren yet colorful and beautiful rock formations in southern Utah. Every time I go out into nature I revel in it, and I come home feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

• I love animals of all sorts, but I have a special fondness in my heart for dogs. I had a dog in my teenage years, and I loved that dog. We moved soon after we got the dog, and I was very lonely for a few years. I spent quite a bit of time hugging that dog, crying on her, and pouring out my sorrows to her. She obviously couldn’t fix anything, but she let me hug her all I wanted, and she continually showed that no matter who I was or what I was doing, she loved me. That simple and pure love was something that really helped me through a hard time.

• I love the mysteries of this world. I love the stars, and how we have no comprehension of the vastness of the universe. I love archaeology and geology and paleontology, and how we’re continually given new evidence to try to figure out who and what were on this earth before us. I love biology and physics, and that as we are able to see things in this world at a smaller and smaller level, those things continue to have form, function and structure for us to explore and try to understand better. I think our Heavenly Parents understood the vast curiosity we would have as we tried to grow and learn all the things they know, and possibly many things that we once knew. They provided so many areas for us to learn and explore and expand our minds as we strive to become like them.

I would end the lesson by testifying that everything in this world shows our Heavenly Parents’ great love and concern for us, their children, and that as we strive to understand and appreciate all of Their creations we will draw closer to Them.

A piece by our very own Deborah’s mom.  Such fun!

The Public vs. the Private Image
Gladys Clark Farmer
Vol. 7, No. 3 (Spring 1981)

Recently a new set of visiting teachers came to my home. As one sister began the lesson, she became obviously embarrassed, hesitated, then said, “You don’t need this. You and your family already do these things.”

I blushed a little at her sincere compliment and reassured her that I did need and appreciate the Relief Society lessons. But as she left, I felt a little uneasy. I sensed that she and others in the ward based their impressions of me on the most visible part of my life, my public accomplishments. Would they feel differently about me if they could have a private view of our home life?

While I try to avoid hypocrisy, I am human. But I think that most of us are afraid to acknowledge our human side to each other. Perhaps we have created a situation similar to the culture so poignantly described by Edward Robinson in his poem about the rich young man, Richard Corey, whom everyone envied because he seemed to have everything, but who went home and put a bullet through his head. Robinson was making a perceptive commentary on how deceiving it is to judge by appearances.

I think judging by appearances begins in childhood. We learn at a very early age how important our public image is, especially to our parents. Our behavior and performances in public become the manifestation of their success or failure. Their egos enmeshed in their offspring, they shower us with attention and praises for the 4-H, scout, and school prizes we’re awarded, the little league games we win, our solo parts in Primary programs, and our performances at piano and dance recitals. Their disappointment is just as evident when these recognitions go to a neighbor’s child instead, or when we may have embarrassed them in public by our actions or performance.

The importance of “looking good” is re-enforced by teachers and leaders. Having “arrived” becomes more important than the nature of the journey. Trophies are only given to the winners, not to those who try their hardest. One hundred per cent attendance is often stressed more than conduct, attitude, or what is learned while attending.

Because most children try hard to please those who give and withhold praise, they learn early to broadcast their
successes and quietly struggle with their failures. Some just quit taking risks; it is easier to take simpler classes and stay on the honor roll than to accept the challenge of a harder course with the possibility of failure.

By the time we are adults, the pattern is usually firmly established. We have the part of us that is recorded in our mother’s scrapbook of awards, newspaper clippings, and college and mission field letters which describe the good things that have happened to us. At the same time, there is another part of us secretly recorded in our locked diaries or in the recesses of our mind. Fortunately, there are usually enough good friends around who know and accept us with all our warts and blemishes so that we learn to cope with life and move forward.

But when we take on the roles of wives and mothers, we often find ourselves in a very lonely situation. Thoroughly indoctrinated with the “ideal home, bit of heaven” model, we find it hard to admit to ourselves, much less verbalize to others, feelings of concern, frustration, or disappointment. Now, more than ever before, we want our parents to be proud of us. We want to prove we can do well on our own. Letters home are less frequent and now include the latest achievements of our children, rather than our own honest thoughts.

Even those fortunate enough to have understanding and supportive husbands soon learn that men don’t enjoy leaving their problems at work only to come home to more domestic ones. Wives learn to choose their words, and the time to express them, very carefully.

To whom can we turn to expose our inner selves long enough to examine and resolve difficulty issues—such as how to cope with an unexpected pregnancy, how to overcome resentment over a husband’s increasing absence due to employment and church work, how to communicate with a sullen child?

The sisters in our ward—women who share some of our deepest commitments and hopes—seem like promising prospects, but in reality the members of our ward may be the very last to whom we’d turn. Why?

We fear their judgment. We suspect that they, even more than our non-member neighbors, judge by appearances. We fear that the measuring stick they will use to judge us is that “ideal” woman described in Church literature and lauded over the pulpit on Mother’s Day.

I’m convinced that living the Gospel does make people’s lives better, and that we as church members do have the responsibility of sharing our lifestyle with the outside world. But we aren’t content to let this way of life speak for itself. In our striving for perfection, we seem intent on displaying the appearance of a finished product rather than acknowledging the on-going process, with its accompanying growth and error. Just as we have made our historical characters flawless, we now want ourselves, and each other, to appear equally unflawed.

While most of us do sincerely enjoy our sisters in the church, we seldom communicate beyond a superficial, or just church-related, level. We don’t trust ourselves or them enough to think they would still like us if they knew that we didn’t like housework, that we shouted at our children, or that we preferred sex to sewing.

We sit quietly in mother education classes, happy to glean what wisdom we can. Perhaps we never note that it is the mothers with preschoolers who have the answers to the teen-age problems and the relaxed grandmothers who tell how they raised their babies, while those struggling with the immediate problem seldom make a comment. On a day that we feel particularly self-confident, we may share the secret that our baby, too, sucked his thumb for three years or cried whenever he was left. It is unlikely that we’d ‘s unthinkable he still wets his bed, and it’s unthinkable to speak of masturbation. The problems for which we need the most help are the ones we don’t dare discuss.

The success stories we will tell—just as we have learned to do all our lives; but the failures, which are just as normal and perhaps more frequent, we try to keep to ourselves. Feelings of guilt and loneliness increase, however, as we sense the disparity.

I well remember the amazement I experienced when I learned that some women whom I greatly admired were silently struggling with their own problems. In separate confidential moments, one told me about a child who had left the Church, another of a financial mistake which had cost them dearly, and a third about a difficult struggle she’d had with depression. Those confessions were made in whispered tones, with “please-don’t-think-less-of-me” looks. If these women had only understood the hope and courage their honesty gave me, they would have shared their burdens earlier. My love and respect for them has multiplied.

I appeal form ore honesty of the kind these women showed me and of the kind I have received from many of the contributors to Exponent II—even if this honesty brings with it the risk of being rejected by some. We need to accept the fact that Mormons, too, are human. Perhaps we could then forget our obsession with appearances, see the public/private image dichotomy, and reach out to one another in really beneficial and supportive communication.

When I’m preparing a lesson, I like to begin with the end in mind: when the women leave class today, what will they have to take with them?

This is a great topic for discussion among adult women.  By the end of 40 minutes, I would hope to help generate . . . memories of acts of friendship that have been sustaining, a discussion of the spiritual and practical nature of friendship, and a renewed desire to reach toward others and “comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”

Possible Starter Activity:

Option 1: Reflection question — “Think about a person, past or present, who has had a lasting positive influence on your life — who became a true friend.  How did this friendship grow?  What nurtured it?” Discuss.

OR

Option Two: I’ve used this activity in my consulting work, and it usually yields an interesting opening discussion.

• Pass out paper and pencils.
• “I’m going to time you for 30 seconds.  In that time, list five classes, talks, or presentations that have had a profound and lasting influence on your life. Feel free to use short hand.”
• After thirty seconds, see who made it to 5, 4, 3, etc.  Typically, only one or two people out of fifty can list five.  Most come up with one or two.
• “I’m going to give you another 30 seconds.  This time, list five people who have made a profound and lasting influence on your life.”
• As they write, I usually add: “If you get to five, you can keep going.”  You can guess how the numbers differ (sobering when you think about how many church meetings, lessons, and talks we sit through . . . makes you think that all that time at church might be really about . . . relationship forming . . . )
• Ask them to reflect, “Most of you found the second exercise easier than the first.  Why? How did your thoughts and emotions differ in the two exercises?”

Extension: Have them pick one person on their list and have them jot down a couple of words that come to mind when they think of that person.  Begin to list some of these words on the board.  Generally, you’ll find that people begin to describe the *character* of others – words such as integrity, kind, compassion. Aristotle believed that the highest form of friendship – “friendship of virtue” – could only be formed between people of character, because friendship requires a kind of reaching out that is not always self-serving.  In that sense, when you consider Jesus’ lifetime of reaching out to those who were grieving, hurting, rejoicing, and hoping, you see that Jesus gave us an incredible model of friendship – from stepping in to protect a woman from abusive men, to feeding the crowd even when he was exhausted, to weeping when his friends wept (you could insert some scriptures here, if you want).

Onto the lesson . . .

Section 1: “True friends ease one another’s sorrows and remain faithful even in times of adversity.”

In this section, Joseph Smith describes his joy at a being visited by friends while in hiding.  But he takes it even further and begins to describe specific names and qualities of his friends and notes that he takes strength from remembering specific moments of kindness.  “I find my feelings … towards my friends revived, while I contemplate the virtues and the good qualities and characteristics of the faithful few . . . of such as have stood by me in every hour of peril, for these fifteen long years past”

Questions:

Joseph Smith pays tribute to those who “have stood by me in every hour of peril, for these fifteen long years past.” What are the challenges of “remaining faithful” to friends during extended times of adversity?  What types of support and friendship have you found most helpful during your own long “dark nights” of the soul? (As a Relief Society, I find that we are often most efficient during moments of acute need – childbirth, moving, short-term illness. But what about long-term needs – the woman whose husband has had Alzheimer’s for four years, or whose chronic pain limits her activities, or whose child needs constant care?)

Section 2: “Friendship unites the human family, dispelling hatred and misunderstanding.”

In this section, Joseph Smith offers a bold vision of friendship’s power to unify the church, end contention, and promote unity among all peoples. And there’s this beautiful passage: “One token of friendship from any source whatever awakens and calls into action every sympathetic feeling; it brings up in an instant everything that is past; it seizes the present with the avidity [eagerness] of lightning; it grasps after the future with the fierceness of a tiger; it moves the mind backward and forward, from one thing to another, until finally all enmity, malice and hatred, and past differences, misunderstandings and mismanagements are slain victorious at the feet of hope.”

Questions:

Test the strength of that assertion.  Think of a recent “token of friendship” you’ve received – from a friend or a stranger.  Perhaps an unexpected kindness.  How did this affect you?  This would be a good opportunity to share moments of kindness that have “made a difference.”  I think we sometimes underestimate the power of small moments. . . and hearing them can be motivating.  (For example, last fall, I received a note on Facebook from a woman whose name looked vaguely familiar.  She wrote that I probably wouldn’t remember her but wanted to thank me for a moment – over ten years ago in a college class – when she had shared her experiences of living with a hidden disability and I had approached her after class to thank her for sharing. I have no recollection of this exchange.  But I have vivid recollections of people reaching out to me in similar ways after a class, when I have shared something that made me feel vulnerable . . . I have often felt God’s love through the small gestures of friends).

Section 3: “Saints of God are true friends to one another.”

In Nauvoo, Joseph Smith told the saints: “We should cultivate sympathy for the afflicted among us. If there is a place on earth where men should cultivate the spirit and pour in the oil and wine in the bosoms of the afflicted, it is in this place; and this spirit is manifest here; and although [a person is] a stranger and afflicted when he arrives, he finds a brother and a friend ready to administer to his necessities. I would esteem it one of the greatest blessings, if I am to be afflicted in this world, to have my lot cast where I can find brothers and friends all around me.”

Questions:

In Matthew, Chapter 9, it reads: “Now it happened, as Jesus sat at the table in the house, that behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat down with Him and His disciples.  And when the Pharisees saw it, they said to His disciples, “Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” When Jesus heard that, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’

Combining this scripture with the Joseph Smith passage:  What’s the practical application for us, now? Are our meetings hospitals for the spirit? How can we make church/Relief Society a place that is safe for those who need ministering?

Supplemental:

The last section reminds me of this favorite passage from former general Relief Society Counselor Chieko Okazaki:

Everyone has days when it is possible to carry the burden; there are other days when the burden seems to have a crushing weight. Some of you already know the enormous strength that comes from sharing your burdens with someone else who cares for you. Some of you are trying to carry these burdens alone or are struggling with the even heavier burden of denial and pretense that there is no burden.

Please, sisters, recognize that no one can carry your burdens for you except the Savior, but also recognize that each one of us can make a burden lighter by sharing it. Please, don’t try to carry your burdens alone, and don’t make a sister do it alone. Recognize that we are here in mortality as a free choice to have experiences with both joy and sorrow. I ask you to be sensitive to the struggles of your sisters, to offer a hand to lift a burden where you can, to be a listening ear when speaking will ease an overburdened heart, to seek that compassionate friend who will understand and reassure and strengthen you at times that are difficult for you. In this way, we tend our nets, strengthen each strand, and keep our sisterhood whole, healthy, and healing.

The first part of this lesson talks about the founding of the Relief Society.  One way to focus the lesson could be historical—most Latter-day Saints are familiar with (and can possibly even recite) all the presidents of the church, but we don’t generally know as much about what different Relief Society presidents have done, and I think that could be fun to learn.  A possible source could be Derr, Cannon, and Beecher’s Women of Covenant—please feel free to mention other possible resources in the comments.  To tie this back to the lesson, you could bring in this kind of historical material as illustration of some of the ideals outlined here, as a way of understanding better what they meant to earlier generations of women in the church.

Another approach could focus on people’s individual experiences with Relief Society.  This is a subject about which the people in the class have a lot of firsthand knowledge, so draw on that.  What role does the Relief Society actually play in people’s lives?  What parts do they like? Are there aspects they find challenging?  When they do attend, why do they do so?  If there have been times when they’ve avoided Relief Society, what were the reasons for that?  It might be interesting to have women of different ages talk about their perceptions of Relief Society, and how those perceptions have changed over time and with different life circumstances.  Again, these could be connected to statements regarding the purpose of the Relief Society in the manual—ask people to think about comments like “the Relief Society encourages women to practice holiness.” What does that mean, really? How does that ideal actually play out in their weekly experience of Relief Society?

And as usual, here are some possible discussion questions:

–  Joseph Smith commented, “The Church was never perfectly organized until the women were thus organized.”  (p. 451) The first point in the manual is that “the Relief Society, organized under the priesthood and after its pattern, is an essential part of the Church.” This might seem obvious, but it’s worth unpacking. Why exactly is the Relief Society essential?  How does that connect to the fact that it also has the status of an “auxiliary?”

–There are some interesting differences between the way in which the Relief Society operates, and the institutional organization of the priesthood.  For example, the men are split into different groups based on their office in the priesthood, while all women over age 18 are in the Relief Society.  One has to be ordained to a priesthood office, but in the current church, membership in the Relief Society is automatic.  What do you make of these differences?  And what exactly does it mean to be organized “after the pattern” of the priesthood?  Do you see the Relief Society operating in a kind of parallel way to the priesthood, or do you see it more as something unique?

–At the founding of the Relief Society, Joseph Smith said, “This Society is to get instruction through the order which God has established—through the medium of those appointed to lead—and I now turn the key to you in the name of God, and this Society shall rejoice, and knowledge and intelligence shall flow down from this time—this is the beginning of better days to this Society.” (p. 451) Think about this phrase–“I now turn the key to you in the name of God?”  What is the key that the Relief Society has? (An interesting note here is that some other accounts of this mistakenly have Joseph Smith saying, “I now turn the key in your behalf,” which conveys a somewhat different sense.)  What does it mean to talk about “knowledge and intelligence” flowing down? In what ways have you seen that?

–Joseph Smith says that “it is natural for females to have feelings of charity and benevolence”  (p. 451) and the Relief Society is described as a place where those feelings can be put into action.  Does the Relief Society also have room for women who might not feel that they are particularly charitable or benevolent?

–The Relief Society—as indicated already by its name—has traditionally had a particular concern for helping those in need—its object “is the relief of the poor, the destitute, the widow and the orphan, and for the exercise of all benevolent purposes.” (p. 452)  But temporal relief is not its only purpose; the manual also cites Joseph Smith saying that it is “not only to relieve the poor, but to save souls.” (p. 453)  It could be interesting to think more about the tie between physical and spiritual salvation suggested here (and possibly consider this in the context of LDS views about the physical world more generally).  Are saving souls and aiding the poor two different things?

–D&C 25, the revelation to Emma, is referenced at the Society’s founding. “President Joseph Smith read the revelation to Emma Smith, from the book of Doctrine and Covenants; and stated that she was … to expound the scriptures to all; and to teach the female part of the community; and that not she alone, but others, may attain to the same blessings.” (p. 454)  It is notable that women are called not only to study the scriptures, but also to expound them to others.  What does it mean to expound?  Paul’s comments on women speaking in church notwithstanding, why might it be important to have women as well as men expounding the scriptures? (In the current church, one might note, women teach not only “the female part of the community,” but also mixed-gender groups in Sunday School.)

–The last section emphasizes the need to show kindness to others, to avoid contention and self-righteousness, to be careful about what you say.  These ideals can be challenging to actually live in the context of a diverse congregation.  What are effective ways of handling conflict with other ward members, or negative feelings toward others in the community?

(Our thanks to BIV for letting us crosspost this timely piece. You can also find this post on her personal blog, Hieing to Kolob.)

United States citizens have lately been regaled with the tale of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, a Latina from the South Bronx who got diabetes at age 8, lost her father at 9, and fought her way to Princeton with the encouragement of her strong-willed mother. Her future influence on the Supreme Court remains to be seen. But President Obama believes that Sotomayor’s qualities and qualifications will add empathy to the judicial philosophy of the nation’s highest court. She has “a common touch and a sense of compassion, an understanding of how the world works and how ordinary people live,” he said.

In a 2001 speech at UC Berkeley, Sotomayor expounded her belief that her gender and ethnic identity affect her ability to make fair decisions in the courtroom:

“I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.”

This statement may rankle some few of those in the higher echelons of authority in the LDS Church. The Presidency of the Church and the Council of the Twelve continue to be dominated by older white males from privileged backgrounds who consider themselves capable of making decisions addressing the needs of a worldwide ethnic Church. Though I do not wish to quibble with the current established order of succession in Church leadership, I strongly believe that an underprivileged woman of color has the potential for making a quantifiable positive difference in decisions coming from the highest councils of the Church.

Since such a situation is moot, however, let us look at the effect of the inclusion of such women at the highest levels of women’s service in the Church. The first champion for diversity in the Relief Society General Presidency of whom I am aware was Chieko Okazaki. Just prior to this time, efforts had been focused upon unity, uniformity and correlation, beginning with the presidencies of Belle S. Spafford and Barbara B. Smith. (Sister Smith spearheaded opposition by LDS women to the passage of the Equal Rights Amendment in the early 1980′s.)

Chieko Nishimura Okazaki served as a counselor in the General RS Presidency from 1990 to 1997. She was born and raised in Hawaii as a Buddhist, the daughter of a Hawaiian-born Japanese plantation laborer. At the age of fifteen she converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She was the first non-Caucasian to serve on a general board of the Church. She came from a professional career as an elementary school teacher and principal. Throughout her service in the General RS Presidency she was an advocate for diversity among LDS women. She often told groups of women that cookie cutters are for cookies, not for human beings, and we should not try to live someone else’s life. Her messages were much beloved by LDS women who felt a bit out of place, for they celebrated diversity:

“…look around the room you are in. Do you see women of different ages, races, or different backgrounds in the Church? Of different educational, marital, and professional experiences? Women with children? Women without children? Women of vigorous health and those who are limited by chronic illness or handicaps? Rejoice in the diversity of our sisterhood! It is the diversity of colors in a spectrum that makes a rainbow. It is the diversity in our circumstances that gives us compassionate hearts. It is the diversity of our spiritual gifts that benefits the Church.” (Chieko N. Okazaki, “‘Rejoice in Every Good Thing’,” Ensign, Nov 1991, 88)

When Sister Okazaki was called into the Relief Society general presidency, President Hinckley counseled her that she represented an outreach across the world to members of the Church in many lands, who would see in her a representation of their oneness with the Church. He then gave her a blessing that her tongue might be loosed as she spoke to the people. When she received assignments to go among the sisters in lands where Korean, Spanish or Tongan was spoken, she spent hours working with the Church Translation Department and coaches who helped her to deliver addresses in those languages. She once gave the following example to show the difference between the doctrines of the Church and the cultural packaging:

“Here is a bottle of Utah peaches, prepared by a Utah homemaker to feed her family during a snowy season. Hawaiian homemakers don’t bottle fruit. They pick enough fruit for a few days and store it in baskets like this for their families. This basket contains a mango, bananas, a pineapple, and a papaya…they might have been picked by a Polynesian homemaker to feed her family in a climate where fruit ripens all year round.

The basket and the bottle are different containers, but the content is the same: fruit for a family. Is the bottle right and the basket wrong? No, they are both right. They are containers appropriate to the culture and the needs of the people. And they are both appropriate for the content they carry, which is the fruit.” (Chieko N. Okazaki, “Baskets and Bottles,” Ensign, May 1996, 12)

Sister Okazaki, like Sonia Sotomayor, was someone whose gender and ethnic identity, as well as her personality, helped her to understand the world and the ordinary people who live therein. Because of this, she was able to contribute to Church policy accordingly.

Women who have missed the outspoken voice of Chieko Okasaki since her release 13 years ago were heartened to witness the calling of Silvia Henriquez Allred to the General RS Presidency in 2007. She is a native of El Salvador who served as a full-time missionary in the Central American Mission. She and her husband served as public affairs missionaries in Madrid, Spain. She also served with her husband when he presided over the Paraguay Asuncion Mission, and later over the Missionary Training Center in the Dominican Republic.

I am often discouraged by the lack of much of a public presence among our Relief Society Presidencies. What little public attention this new Presidency has been able to garner has centered around President Julie B. Beck’s 2007 General Conference address “Mothers Who Know,” which seemed to be a retrenchment in LDS thought concerning women. Recently I was mollified to hear of a fireside held in Utah for over 1500 Spanish-speaking women by Julie Beck and Silvia Allred. Both women delivered their talks in Spanish, Sister Allred speaking with native fluency, and Sister Beck aided by the fact that she learned as a child to speak Portuguese.

Surely Presidents Beck and Allred are doing much service among the women of the Church of which I am unaware. I simply wish that the few women who have higher echelon positions in the Mormon Church had more of a public voice. Just as Sonia Sotomayor is poised to make a difference in the judicial system of this country, our women leaders can potentially make a difference in the spiritual lives of LDS members. Instead, so many of the Relief Society General Presidents and their counselors fade into obscurity, and when they are released no one remembers their names or what their contributions were.
=

This lesson focuses primarily on forgiving others to bring about unity.  It doesn’t go into how or provide any other reasons for forgiving beyond unity.  So, we’ve filled in with some additional sections; these sections are notes with **’s. 

I suggest you begin this lesson with a poem that many women will relate to, about our relationship with our mothers (ask a sister with a flair for reading poetry to share this piece with the class and you can also hand this out to each attendee to follow along):

To My Mother
by Wendell Berry

I was your rebellious [daughter],
do you remember? Sometimes
I wonder if you do remember,
so complete has your forgiveness been.

So complete has your forgiveness been
I wonder sometimes if it did not
precede my wrong, and I erred,
safe found, within your love,

prepared ahead of me, the way home,
or my bed at night, so that almost
I should forgive you, who perhaps
foresaw the worst that I might do,

and forgave before I could act,
causing me to smile now, looking back,
to see how paltry was my worst,
compared to your forgiveness of it

already given. And this, then,
is the vision of that Heaven of which
we have heard, where those who love
each other have forgiven each other,

where, for that, the leaves are green,
the light a music in the air,
and all is unentangled,
and all is undismayed.

Adapted from “To My Mother” by Wendell Berry, from Entries. © Pantheon Books, 1994.
What do you think of this poem?
What can it teach us about forgiveness?

Another possibility would be to start with singing, “Amazing Grace.”  Although this lesson is primarily focused around our forgiveness of others, it may be helpful to start with a song that reminds us that God forgives all.

Paraphrase the first story of the lesson about the man who had spoken badly of Joseph Smith and had tried to make up for it by chopping wood.  Then, ask…

Do you have a story where someone has shown you such forgiveness? (Depending on your ward, you may want to take time for each person to think of the story for themselves or invite people to share out-loud.)

We are to exercise the principle of mercy and forgive our brothers and sisters.

D&C 98:39-45
What is this scripture saying?
Do you have other scriptures about mercy or forgiveness that you find helpful?

Eliza R. Snow reported these words of the Prophet: “[The Saints] should be armed with mercy, notwithstanding the iniquity among us. Said he had been instrumental in bringing iniquity to light—it was a melancholy thought and awful that so many should place themselves under the condemnation of the devil, and going to perdition. With deep feeling he said that they are fellow mortals, we loved them once, shall we not encourage them to reformation? We have not [yet] forgiven them seventy times seven, as our Savior directed [see Matthew 18:21–22]; perhaps we have not forgiven them once. There is now a day of salvation to such as repent and reform.”7

“Suppose that Jesus Christ and holy angels should object to us on frivolous things, what would become of us? We must be merciful to one another, and overlook small things.”8

Do you find thinking about Jesus and angels in this way helpful?  Why or why not?

Forgiving restores unity of feeling.

The Prophet Joseph Smith wrote to a group of Church leaders: “Now, brethren, let me tell you, that it is my disposition to give and forgive, and to bear and to forbear, with all long-suffering and patience, with the foibles, follies, weaknesses, and wickedness of my brethren and all the world of mankind; and my confidence and love toward you is not slackened, nor weakened. And now, if you should be called upon to bear with us a little in any of our weaknesses and follies, and should, with us, receive a rebuke to yourselves, don’t be offended. … When you and I meet face to face, I anticipate, without the least doubt, that all matters between us will be fairly understood, and perfect love prevail; and the sacred covenant by which we are bound together, have the uppermost seat in our hearts.”11

How can we do this?

The Prophet Joseph Smith said the following at a meeting with his counselors in the First Presidency and the Twelve: “I have sometimes spoken too harshly from the impulse of the moment, and inasmuch as I have wounded your feelings, brethren, I ask your forgiveness, for I love you and will hold you up with all my heart in all righteousness, before the Lord, and before all men; for be assured, brethren, I am willing to stem the torrent of all opposition, in storms and in tempests, in thunders and in lightnings, by sea and by land, in the wilderness or among false brethren, or mobs, or wherever God in His providence may call us. And I am determined that neither heights nor depths, principalities nor powers, things present or things to come, or any other creature, shall separate me from you [see Romans 8:38–39].

“And I will now covenant with you before God, that I will not listen to or credit any derogatory report against any of you, nor condemn you upon any testimony beneath the heavens, short of that testimony which is infallible, until I can see you face to face, and know of a surety; and I do place unremitted confidence in your word, for I believe you to be men of truth. And I ask the same of you, when I tell you anything, that you place equal confidence in my word, for I will not tell you I know anything that I do not know.”12
Joseph Smith is doing two important things here:
1. He asks for forgiveness
2. He states he will try to not judge others

Often in wards, miscommunication happens or we speak to hastily.  Could this be a prescription for fixing strained relationships in the ward? 
How can we make it more applicable?

**Why else should we forgive?

Besides promoting feelings of unity and harmony among our friends/family, what other benefits are there to forgiving?

**How do you forgive?

In the book, All God’s Creatures Got a Place in the Choir, Emma Lou Thayne recounts a difficult experience with a neighbor being rude to her daughters.

She (Emma Lou’s mother) let me huff and fume, even in front of the children as I recall, something she never would have approved under normal circumstances.  That was undignified and destructive.  But when I was through—a grown thirty-two-year-old woman, ranting that I wanted to call the police myself—she sat me down alongside the children and said very quietly, “Emma Lou, this is a pivotal moment in your life with the people next door.  You’ve moved in here, and you expect to stay.  Probably so do they.  And they were here first.  You’ve introduced a lot of frustration and bewilderment into their established lives.  But I’ll bet anything that Mrs. Hugo feels just as terrible as you do right now.”

“Oh, sure,” I huffed.  “She’s probably swimming in regret.”
“You know, I’m sure she is,” Mother said.  “And it’s up to you to make amends.”
“Me!”
“Yes, you and your little girls.”  (from All God’s Creatures Got a Place in the Choir, “Neighbors,” pg 37)

I like this section because it shows how angry Emma Lou is, and then, she is told to walk over to the neighbor’s house and apologize.  This passage shows how difficult forgiveness is.

How have you forgiven people in the past?
What concrete steps can we do to be more forgiving?
What resources (scriptures, hymns, stories) help you when you are trying to forgive?

**When forgiveness doesn’t come easily

I think it’s important to tread lightly on the subject of forgiveness when it comes to abuse victims.  This could be an entire lesson in and of itself, and I think it needs to be tailored to the specific group one is teaching.

Sister Okazaki’s piece on sexual abuse is a good place to start when dealing with this.

Also, if you have access to her book, Aloha, pgs 89-93 are excellent on forgiveness as she relates her and her husband’s experiences as Japanese-Americans during WWII and another piece on healing/forgiveness and sexual abuse.

by EmilyCC

I’ve noticed that I often feel uncomfortable using the word, “sister,” both in Church and online because I feel like the term is often used to by women to put other women in their place.

Some examples I’ve heard:

Well, that’s your opinion, sister.
This isn’t the way God works, sisters.
Sister, can I give you some advice? (and then, not waiting to hear if the advice is wanted)
Come on, sisters, we need to…(begin some type of instruction)

In this context, “sister” feels like a passive-aggressive way to assert moral superiority over another woman. In fact, sometimes, I think that “stupid” or even “b—-” would work just as well because of the tone used in these statements.

It makes me sad because some of the most loving sentiments I have heard are also prefaced with “sister,” but the venom I have heard (or read) more often as of late makes me cringe.

I love my fellow LDS sisters; I feel a connection with them that differs from other women in my life. But, I just don’t use that title with them because I’ve heard it used negatively so often.

Perhaps my disconnect with the word represents a longing for a more cohesive sisterhood that makes all feel included, one that our leaders often talk about.

What do you think of the use of the title, “sister”? Do you use it much?

Do you feel like there is a true sisterhood in the Church? What do you think could happen on a local or church-wide level to make it better?