One of the things I like to do when I read scriptures is to add Heavenly Mother in. Where it says “God” I add “and Goddess,” where it says “Father” I read it as “Parents,” and where it says “Lord” I add “and Lady.”

Because we are studying Doctrine and Covenants in Sunday School this year, I thought it would be interesting to re-imagine the First Vision with God the Mother introducing Christ. So I opened up my scriptures and read,

When the light rested upon me Isaw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!

When I was very new in my career, I wrote a pamphlet.  If I were to rewrite this particular pamphlet today, I would delete a quote I took from a reputable source that stated, “You would have to gain 100 pounds to equal the health risks of smoking.”

I had the best of intentions when I included that quote.  Smoking is extremely damaging to the human body and I sincerely believe people should not smoke.  Some people are afraid to quit smoking because they might gain weight.  The “fact” I included in the pamphlet could encourage them to make the right decision.

However, as I gained more experience in my profession, I learned to dig a little deeper before I accepted facts, even if they came from a reputable source. 

A few weeks ago, a teacher in Relief Society asked me to prepare a few remarks on my experience with conversion and testimony for her lesson on that topic. I asked her if she was ok with an unconventional conversion story, and she said she was. So I got up and said the following. I was worried that I would make some people uncomfortable, and no doubt I did, but it felt good to be honest about (some of) my struggles.

“I have a very unconventional conversion story for you. Despite having been raised and married in the church, I would say that my most profound conversion experience happened about 5 years ago in 2008. It was time for me when everything church-wise was falling apart for me. This was the time of Prop 8, and I was really struggling with it. As someone who supports gay marriage, I was upset, and I was angry. I look back at that time, and I recognize now that I was close to giving up on Mormonism. My husband was scared that I was about to leave.

I say this not to make any of you who were supporters of Prop 8 feel uncomfortable. I say this because I want to be honest about my journey.

Seeds

I want to bear my testimony. I hope this church is true, for the most part.  I also hope that a few bits of it are not. Some people are knowers and others are believers.  I am a hoper.

I hope that the seeds of faith I have planted will grow, but my seeds of faith aren’t pine seeds—they don’t grow into a tree that becomes bigger and stronger with time.  They grow more like perennials—ever changing with the seasons. Sometimes faith completely disappears in frigid weather but it’s still alive under the ground, waiting to spring up again.  I hope someday my faith will become more evergreen, but I just don’t know.  There are many things I don’t know.

Let me start with some honesty.

I volunteered to write this lesson plan because of the title. I thought it would be full of ideas of how to invite the Spirit in your life and recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

It isn’t. At least not at first.