Young Widows in the Church: Are they disadvantaged?
by Jessawhy
A recent tragedy in my stake has renewed my questions about the church’s stance on sealings in the afterlife. Our stake president’s son suddenly died at age 34 leaving a young wife and four small children. I can’t even imagine the pain that this family faces and the months and years ahead of trying to cope with the loss of their son, husband, and father.
Although I’ve never met her, I put myself in the shoes of the young widow. How would I feel if I had just lost my husband? I’m sure her grief and concern for her and her children’s future is overwhelming. Still, I wonder if in a few years will this woman want to remarry? There would be benefits to having a father-figure in the home. I hope that she has the opportunity to find a loving man who will be a good husband and father. However, I wonder if her chances are lower somehow compared to women who have never been married in the temple. Because of her sealing to her deceased husband, she is not on the market eternally, even though she may be available for the next 60 years or so. Perhaps this concept is of very little importance to potential mates, but perhaps it is. The church emphasizes the eternal nature of families so much that men may find it less desirable to marry someone who could not be sealed to them eternally. Therefore, I think that a young widow is potentially disadvantaged in terms of remarriage. Of course, the dynamic is different for a young widower, since men can have multiple wives sealed to them for eternity (although they may feel they are betraying their first wife by marrying again).
A little deeper than just having the opportunity to be sealed to a spouse, is the concern of loving both husbands and having to choose between them in the next life. Perhaps this woman does remarry and spends the next 50 years with a wonderful man. When she dies will she have to decide which one she likes best: the husband she had for the first 10 years or the last 50? Also, as her children (now ages 1-9) grow with a new father, will they be torn in their love for him and their loyalty to their deceased dad? It all seems so difficult to me.
Despite these struggles in my mind, In my heart I know that God gives us these struggles to help us become stronger, and more compassionate. I also believe that heaven is not a place where we will be forced to make the hard choices that we make in this life. However, I fear that our understanding of the afterlife, and it’s emphasis in LDS teachings may prevent some marriages that could be help people now and through eternity. For young LDS widows, their prospects for remarriage may be bleak because of this doctrine.
Does anyone know how church leaders are taught to counsel men who may potentially marry a widow? Are they encouraged or discouraged from marrying without the hope of temple sealing?
Hello –
I am pretty sure that I am the widow you are referring to. My email is thebluths@cox.net. I would just like to confirm it out of curiosity. I’d rather not leave specific details about which stake – just in case. I found this post on a facebook page entitled lds widows and widowers.
Thanks – Nicole
I’m under 25 and widowed and I can tell you that from all the young widows I’ve been connected to, it’s very difficult to get re-married. A lot of men that these other widows (30 and under) dated, wanted some of my widowed friends to break their sealings in order for them to get married. Others don’t want to be a father to children they’re not sealed to and the new husband will not be sealed to any of his future children. It’s very difficult and a tough situation. The church doctrine really pushes eternal marriage. So these men want that as well (can we blame them?). So because of the membership of the church I’m somehow disadvantaged, however, I do know that because of my membership I will see my husband again.
To answer your question, yes, we have to choose. My children can seal me and my second husband after we both die, but not before that. Do I want to be sealed to the man I was married to for 2 years or the one I will live with, have children with, go through hardships with, for the next 50+ years?
Crest,
Thank you for commenting on this thread. I think it’s important to keep this conversation open.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that you can find a solution to the dilemma of a temple sealing with a second husband. Perhaps when more women like you tell church leaders about your experiences seeking remarriage after being widowed, we will see the church policies change.
I wish you the very best now and in the future.
May things have changed because I had a friend marry a widower ( a man with four young children) They were sealed in the temple. so, I’m not sure why there would be any more difficulty in a widower to get remarried, any more than a widow, other than the polygany aspect
Dianne,
I am certain they were not sealed as I was told by my stake president that I cannot be sealed in the Temple. The only way I can be married for time in the Temple is if I marry a widower. Neither of us can ever have been divorced either. He read it straight out of the handbook to me last November.
One other thing. I started dating a guy who I fell in love with. Unfortunately it has taken him a lot of time to realize he is not okay with not being sealed to me, though he loves me and my child he is moving on. I’m 24 so i’m still young, and hopefully others will be more forgiving about my status, but I still can’t help but feel bitter. What did I do to deserve this? Don’t I deserve happiness? Or am I just damaged (eternally taken) goods?
Hi,
I was widowed at 29, with 3 small children. I was single for just over 5 years, and am now married to a widower. I have an ideal situation, being as we are both sealed to our first spouses, so we know this is not a forever thing. We recently had a child together, to say who he will be sealed to? It’s not really that important as long as he is sealed to someone. He will grow up and hopefully be sealed to his wife, and their children. We will probably have our children seal us together after death, so that at least the work is done for anything we decide on the other side. I know it’s hard being a single widow, wondering how things will all work out, you can drive yourself mad. It always gave me comfort to know that the kind of man that would have enough faith to marry and take care of “someone else’s kids”, potentially giving up his blessings, would be exactly the man who deserved a celestial family and much more.
I was widowed at age 53, over 4 years ago. I found the church last summer and did quite a bit of research before I decided to get baptized 4 weeks ago. This was absolutely the biggest issue that I wrestled with before deciding to join the church.
I had a great marriage to a wonderful man, however, he was a scientist/atheist. He loved and raised my two children from a brief marriage to a terrible man when I was much younger. After much prayer, I’ve decided not to try to become sealed to my loving deceased husband, however I will offer him proxy baptisn. I don’t dare to guess whether he would accept; I simply don’t feel like it is the right thing to do.
Meanwhile, this topic is one I’ve thought about often. If you are correct about sealings, which I believe you are, then my own situation should have the opposite effect. Rather than being seen as “damaged eternal goods”, a widowed prospective husband who has been sealed to another in the temple would likely desire my status. Am I understanding this correctly?
Thank you all for your expertise, guidance, and insight.
I think the key in your question is the phrase you used “after much prayer”. In spite of all the talk we do about sealings, it’s really God who knows what is the best course of action for you, your deceased husband, and any future husbands you may have.
We talk a lot about sealings and who will be with whom but I am convinced that that is akin to trying to figure out whether the streets in heaven are paved with 12 or 14 karat gold, or what the “mansions” there will look like; the imposition of a known, limited, earthly structure upon attempts to envision a heavenly one. I suspect that eternal sealings of family are far more cosmically encompassing, inclusive, light-filled, ethereal, glorious, and mind-blowing than we envision them when we define them just as about who we’ll be living with forever.
I believe you are on the right track, not because it will or will not necessarily make your status more “desireable” to a potential husband, but because you have made your decision a prayerful one between you and God.