But what if everybody has sex?
You might think that Mormons should be able to avoid having sex when we work with colleagues of the opposite sex, since many of us manage to abstain from sex with our own fiancés. However, Mormons aren’t too sure about that, judging from how often the objection, “But what if everybody has sex?” is raised when we talk about women’s ordination to the priesthood and how that could lead to the possibility of having mixed gender branch presidencies, bishoprics, high councils and stake presidencies. Many Mormons claim that women and men could never work in church presidencies together because committing adultery is a practically inevitable outcome of working several hours per week with members of the opposite sex.
I have not served in a mixed gender presidency since the powers that be wised up and outlawed female Sunday School secretaries—a necessary move to safeguard male Sunday School presidents and their male counselors from the lurid influence of a sex object/notetaker. However, I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert on the topic of not having sex with colleagues of the opposite sex because I have been employed throughout my whole marriage, working in mixed gender offices, and yet I have never committed adultery once! Really! I should get some sort of award.
Today, I am sharing how I successfully abstain from extramarital sex in hopes of preparing our community for a future in which men and women can serve together in church presidencies without having orgies.
Strategy 1: Keep your clothes on.
I never get naked during business meetings, even if the room is hot. Or even if the coworker is hot! I also stay dressed when working alone in my own cubicle—a simple precaution in case someone walks by seeking sex.
Strategy 2: Just say no.
Another good technique is the same one I was taught about drugs in elementary school. When a coworker asks me to have sex, I just say no. Although, to be completely honest, none of my coworkers have ever asked me to have sex. Weird, huh, since these mixed gender situations are supposed to be so titillating? I really can’t explain how that hasn’t happened. However, occasionally someone asks me on a date and since I am a married woman, I say no. It works like a charm!
Strategy 3: Don’t get a room.
I don’t hold business meetings in hotel rooms. Well, actually, I often attend business meetings in hotels, but in the conference rooms, not in the beds. I don’t hold business meetings in my bed at home either, even though that would save my company money on venue costs. Of course, you don’t need a bed to have sex, but having sex on chairs in public spaces is awkward and often not allowed. But what about meetings in private offices? How can you possibly avoid having sex in a sexy private space like the bishop’s office? That brings me to the next strategy:
Strategy 4: Keep sex off the agenda.
At business meetings, I usually talk about business. I sometimes get sidetracked into discussions about weather or politics or movies or something, but I never meander into anything like foreplay. Furthermore, I keep my hands to myself and find that my coworkers do too. Of course, if they didn’t, I could always report them to Human Resources for sexual harassment, which brings me to the next topic of discussion:
If people just won’t abstain of their own accord—let’s face it, not everyone can match my expert marital fidelity skills—institutional policies may make compliance more likely. Sure, one policy option is having half of the presidencies all-male and half all-female—excuse me, I meant having all-male presidencies over nearly all mixed gender groups that include males over puberty—but there are so many more we could consider!
We could teach all church members, starting long before they are old enough to marry, that adultery is really, really bad.
Huh. I think we already have this in the curricula?
We could offer rewards to people who don’t cheat on their spouses, like temple recommends and eternal salvation.
Oh, right. We already do this too.
We could punish adulterers by stripping them of their priesthood and removing them from their positions in bishoprics or stake presidencies or whatever, although I am not sure this would work for women. I mean, what have we got to lose? No wonder the brethren are nervous that we could just go have sex at any moment! But men and women both get baptized and married and stuff, so we could threaten to annul all of their ordinances if they have sex with someone other than their spouse.
But I think this policy is already in place as well?
It almost seems as if segregated presidencies aren’t even necessary, with all the other deterrents to extramarital sex already present in our community, doesn’t it?
Anyhow, just in case mixed gender presidencies do become a reality within our church someday, you might want to prepare now. I recommend the following exercise:
- Go to work. Since it is 2014 (or later, at whatever time you read this), chances are you will encounter people of the opposite sex there.
- Don’t have sex with them.