Church Announces Boys Can Do More
Guest post by Adela. Adela is a lifelong church member who lives in New England with her family. She is in the toddler-mom phase of life, and is spending a lot of time at the gym these days.
Once again, in a bold policy move, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints declares to the world the special place of contempt which it reserves especially for women and girls.
“We needed it to look like equality,” explained one senior white man, on the condition of anonymity. “Allowing teenagers to do the work of adults was a great way to decrease the burden of local Melchizedek Priesthood holders around the world. When it comes down to it, a 12-year-old girl has the same authority as a grown woman, and so we saw no reason to deny her the opportunity to mop up water while her older brother is acting as a witness, officially marking ordinance cards, or holding his girlfriend close while he romantically baptizes her.”
It has not escaped notice that this announcement comes at a time when the church is focusing specifically on youth outreach efforts. “Who knows,” said the Ward Executive Secretary, “maybe this will help girls to earlier understand their place in the order of the Church and in the scheme of Heaven.” Indeed, it seems likely that the increased disparity between the sexes at an even earlier age is likely to teach the youth that spiritual power and authority rests primarily with those of the male sex.
Recent efforts to equalize the experiences of young men and young women, such as lowering the missionary age and decreasing the age gap between male and female missionaries, as well as discontinuing the scouting program for teenage boys, have been seen in some circles as too acquiescing to modern (read: feminist) sensibilities. In an attempt to reinstate patriarchal norms, other opportunities for sex-based discrimination in youth programs were examined carefully for patriarchy-reinforcing potential.
“We also considered giving adult women the right to witness, since they do have eyes, but ultimately we determined that teenage boys who snap girls’ bra straps are more qualified.” The General Authority declined to be named, but continued, “We hope the boys will rise to the occasion. There’s ice- cream afterwards, so they will be properly motivated.”
Some members mistakenly believe that the sister responsible for giving each person a towel on their way out of the baptismal font holds authority, and represents the arms of Heavenly Mother welcoming her children home. “Not so,” denies one Assistant High Priest Group Leader. “That sister does the important job of traffic control, and is directly responsible for the critical work of getting wet girls covered as quickly as possible.” That righteous women across Mormondom secretly hold this very exclusive space sacred and feel the honor of it is not a sentiment vocally honored, or even recognized, by anyone holding authority.
It is our hope that because of this move, women and girls around the world will recognize the blatant gender discrimination involved in denying the personhood of women; not that it would change anything.