Dear Sister Sassy: Our Resident Agony Aunt

Here at the Exponent we’re proud to introduce a column by our resident Agony Aunt, Sister Sassy.  An expert in homemaking, spirituality, doctrine, culture, morality, and pretty much everything else, Sister Sassy has been dispensing bad advice to fictitious readers for seven years and is excited to share her (dubious) recommendations with this audience.

Dear Sister Sassy,

It is my understanding that Family Home Evening is non-negotiable and key to my family’s happiness.  My husband is supposed to preside at our weekly gatherings.  When we were first married, we had FHE all the time, but it seems like now we’ve lost our spark.  My husband seems barely interested, even when I use themed printables! I am worried that he is going elsewhere to get slapdash spiritual lessons and forced activities.  Is he getting so much out of his Bishopric meetings he feels I have nothing left to offer him? Is this grounds for divorce?
Forlorn in Fremont

Dear Forlorn,

How right you are to contemplate divorce in this instance.  More than one relationship has been destroyed by an inability to reach consensus on whether it is better to have a laminated wheel on the fridge that indicates FHE duties, or if one should use a wall hanging with popsicle sticks and pockets.  Most experts agree the best thing to do is to purchase a distressed board with vinyl lettering and hooks that you hang pictures of your family members under each responsibility.  If you want your family to stay together, you should probably have professional pictures taken of each child standing in front of a freight car and then photoshopped until their eyes are preternaturally bright and mildly creepy.  Dedicated mothers will also find a way to use burlap or chevrons to embellish it.  This should be your first line of defense and may in itself reignite the spark that once fueled your Family Home Evening.

The other option is to passive-aggressively back-lead Family Home Evening on your own, maintaining the appearance that your husband has done the work.  It is helpful to treat FHE as a mad lib in which he must fill in the blank — “children, we’d like to welcome you to Family Home Evening.  Your father has a few words to share.”  His startled look of fear and frustration will quickly soften to love.  This will allow him to preside.  If necessary, do this for the entire gathering.  While he may initially feel resentful and belittled by this, in time those feelings will naturally blossom into affection, gratitude, and enthusiasm for Family Home Evening!  Don’t be surprised if Family Home Evening becomes Couples Home Evening a few hours later. . . {wink!}  {Sorry if that was too intimate or suggestive for sensitive readers.}

Dear Sister Sassy,

I’ve been dating this guy pretty steadily and I think he could be The One.  I know how important it is to show a man how much you love housework, but my shower is totally gross! I live in fear that he’ll come over after working out to shower and find the drain backs up, and then he won’t pop the question.  How can I fix my drain?  Your home is so clean it is used for all the stock photos in the Ensign, so I know you’ll have the answer.  Help!

Revolted in Regina

Dear Revolted,

No pedestal is too high or shiny for me or my family, so I accept your fawning as my due.  Your fears are well founded.  No man would want an unhygienic woman.  However, the very suggestion that a man might ever be unclothed under your roof for any reason makes me sick.  I mean this with all kindness, but that makes you just the teensiest bit of a whore.  No offense, its a Biblical term.  Nevertheless, this is my advice.  Your shower is doubtless backed up by the lustrous hairs you and your beloved roommates shed.  I assume you have many roommates, because surely there would be no question of a man ever entering your house for any pretext without a chaperone.

To tackle this problem properly, attire yourself correctly.  As always you should be sexy-modest, on the off chance your fella (or the Home Teachers! yum!) come to call and catch you loving housework. You should also wear rubber boots, long rubber gloves and have a trash bag and wire hanger to hand.  Go ahead and take a selfie now — hashtags are a great way to convey a love of homemaking.  Bend the wire to be long and straight with a hook at the end — something like the iron rod.  Breathing only through your mouth (I cannot stress this enough) insert the hook in the drain and root around.  You will feel an unpleasant solid mass, like unto a deceased rodent.  It might be a dead rat, in which case the rest of this advice does not apply and you should call the Home Teachers, that is what they are there for.  They may be so intrigued by your shabby-chic bathroom and cleaning attire that they’ll be a solid alternative should your current fella not come up to scratch.

You might be thinking “I know this clump of hair is huge! How can I pull it through that tiny hole in the drain?!” Tut tut! By small and simple things, great things are brought to pass.  Pull up some hair, and grasp firmly.  Do not breathe.  Like a rat its oily body found a way in, and it can come out again. Pull firmly and when it breaks free remove from the house immediately.  Sound disgusting?  The key to this, and all household chores, is to come up with something you want to do even less.  Say to yourself “Well I guess I had better prepare that Sunday School Lesson.”  Odds are, you’ll suddenly feel pretty excited about doing housework instead!  If this technique does not earn you your Mrs. I don’t know what will.  Looking forward to seeing your temple wedding picture with the words “all because two people fell in love!” on it!  Be sure to include the shower selfie in your wedding slide show!

Dear Sister Sassy,

Is it true that feminists all burn their bras and are ugly manhaters who don’t understand the Gospel and have no sense of humor?

Worried in Winnetka

Dear Worried,

Yes, that is absolutely and unequivocally true.  It is hard on busty women, but feminists require that all women forgo supportive undergarments at all times.  This includes sports bras, so don’t try to pretend or pass yourself off, you will be caught.  Feminists are also universally plain.  It is one of their most distinguishing characteristics.  It is because they forbid personal grooming, makeup, or purchasing the appropriate size of clothing.  Often the quickest way to cure feminism is a fun makeover!

Unfortunately feminism also usually wipes the mind clean of any past knowledge.  Many feminists have been members of the church for decades and have attended the temple many many times.  Some have also served missions, served in leadership callings or have raised children in the church.  Unfortunately, the moment they self-identify as feminists their past experiences disappear and they no longer understand the Gospel.  They may try to mislead you by saying they do understand and love the Gospel, and that they are trying to live it as best they can, but see some cultural problems and injustices that should be addressed.  This is nonsense.  Leave cookies on their doorstep.  Feminists love cookies.

It is also true that no feminist has ever had a sense of humor.  They are incapable of making or laughing at jokes, which is really a pity.

Do you have a question for Sister Sassy?