Dreaming of a Calling
by Kelly Ann
I dream lots of things. Most are random associations of people and things that reveal something odd about my psyche. However, the other night, I had a powerful dream.
At a ward conference, the stake leadership was greeting everyone with the known possibility of re-shuffling current leadership. I sat in the back of the chapel avoiding making eye-contact as I knew I couldn’t accept any calling. But called to the front of the room, they greeted me with hugs and I knew I wanted to accept the calling of Young Women’s President. This surprised my dreaming self as well as made me think afterwards …
As commented by others here, I wonder what influence I could have by staying in the church although I have majorly stepped out and have been content in doing so. Embracing full activity in the church again would not be so simple as giving someone a hug. I have distanced myself in many beliefs and practices.
I recently had a conversation with a new roommate who actively participates in the local Buddhist center. When asked about my religious background, I indicated that I have distanced myself from the church after its involvement in Prop8 but I go occasionally. She then said something to the effect of how in a religious community, there are always differences of opinion and the best growth comes from dealing with those. I was also reminded by a friend’s comment in November that the church needs people like me.
However, in thinking about that, I realized something. In a church that claims that it has continuing revelation and “is the one true church,” is there no room for slack? As discussed in the thread of my previous post, what level of imperfection is acceptable?
I walked out because I no longer saw the divinity of the system in many regards. It wasn’t about the people so much as the structure. As much as I would like to positively influence the teenagers, if I no longer believe some of the core principles of Mormondom (although being Mormon is still my culture), I think I would I do more harm than good to myself and to everyone else.
But I guess there is still part of me that wants to effect change through the traditional system. I’ll influence people by my current position but I guess it would be easier to re-adopt the old that I know so well. Is it wrong to dream of a calling I am not worthy of or really want? I guess am still trying to figure it out.
I would be interested to know other people’s perspectives on if it is reasonable to want to effect change and how you go about it.