Guest Post: I Love You, So I Say This, parts 14-16

Guest post by Anonymous. This Mama got a gay kid for Christmas in 2019. In March 2020 BYU signaled LGBTQ acceptance in an update to the Honor Code, and hastily retracted it. Feeling protective, this Mama wrote what she wished she could say to her Mormon family members. A week later, the first major COVID lockdowns started, and the BYU incident was pushed to the background. A year later, this personal appeal to the better angels is a plea in remembrance of that horrible week. There are 19 short pieces. This post is parts 14-16 of 19. The others will be linked here when they are published.

Parts 1-4
Parts 5-8
Parts 9-11
Parts 12-13
Parts 17-19

I love you. So I say this. Part 14

“So how are you guys feeling about the Church?”

You will never see your gay grandchild enter a temple, but she will live her life on the most sacred of ground – the places of refuge and holiness that embrace her in safety and love.

I wonder if your home will be part of her temple? I cannot assume that it will.

As of two days ago you continue to break your own rule, your moratorium again discussing the Church. You continue to invite us to the Church, quote leaders, share talks, send books. By doing so you demonstrate that you either have no idea of the impact of the Church on LGBTQ people, or else you know and do not care.

If you do not know, you have now been made aware. Ignorance of the problem is no longer a shield for you.

So, now you can decide whether you care.

Say what you like, tell her you love her, but that’s only part of the story. Your actions will tell me, and they will tell your gay grandchild, whether you love her. And the consequence will follow.

I love you. So I say this. Part 15

“So how are you guys feeling about the Church?”

We have adopted some grandparents here in our new state. They have stepped up and helped our family in times when we couldn’t approach you.

Your grandkid came out to me shortly before Christmas. I had already scheduled her and I to attend a caroling party at the home of these adopted grandparents.

I texted my hosts after the party:

BTW XXXX came out to us as gay shortly before the party, and it was so great for her to see XXXX and XXXX’s (two women’s) wedding photos and meet the other sweet gay couple guys who were there. She was basking in it and I felt so grateful to be able to immerse her in a safe space.

Response:

You know, I was struck by XXXX’s radiance at the party. Good for her, good for you, good for all of us. Tell her she has a happy life to look forward to. (And you too 🙂

Me:
Thanks so much for being part of XXXX’s this-far experience of being gay in a context of joyful normalcy. Though her friends have had negative experiences, she’s had no bullying, trauma, or loss of friends or family over it. We celebrated, the grandparents accepted, and the cousins will probably tolerate, but in your home it was the default setting, and it was exactly right. So much gratitude for you both!

Response:
This will be a nurturing place for XXXX to grow into her adulthood, and it’s a gift for us as well to have you in our circle of friendship. Life is full of growth and discoveries — that’s what keeps it interesting <3 <3 <3

Your grandkid has been in a temple of family love. She knows what it feels like. She knows what is real and what is not.

I love you. So I say this. Part 16

“So how are you guys feeling about the Church?”

One thing I have learned: coming out is not a thing that happens once.

This child who told me she is gay, did so the first time. The second. She knew our love. She felt safe. She was good for weeks. But even after that, later, when she ventured further and shared music by queer artists, and played a song by an LGBTQ band that bared her soul, she cried, relieved I could hear a poem she felt. I learned that no matter what has been said and what has passed, she’ll be coming out forever, to others, and even to me.

She will find a thousand moments to see in my eyes that I know who she is and I love her.

She will be coming out her whole life, and both hard and okay – she has the language. She has a lexicon of meta-awareness, conversations, friends, and scenarios that continue to surprise and delight me. She’s so comfortable in her skin.

She’ll look you in the eyes for the first time in person after coming out. Someday soon, this will happen. You have to accept her at her word over the prophets.’ It has to be real or she’ll see it. You may have to work hard to have the right eyes, but that is part of the love to which you’ve been called.

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1 Response

  1. Ziff says:

    I especially love the last section here, about the point of coming out being an ongoing thing.

    “She will find a thousand moments to see in my eyes that I know who she is and I love her.”

    Just beautiful!

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