#hearLDSwomen: Bishop and Stake President Blamed Me for Marriage Problems

At the end of my marriage, I was severely depressed and just trying to keep my head above water. I was the second counselor in the Relief Society presidency and viewed that calling as my own personal Time Out away from my husband, who was attempting to control everything I did both in and outside of our home. My husband had a porn problem that he blamed on me because if I were a better wife, he wouldn’t have to look at porn (that’s an actual quote).

One day, my husband dropped on me that we were going to go talk to the bishop because I had a Problem. I snapped out of my total complacency just long enough to snap back, “Let me get my shoes, and maybe we can get my choke collar tightened while we’re at it.” My husband accused me of having a “bad attitude” and told me that we wouldn’t go at all if I was going to “be that way.” I left the house and went for a drive, but I called the bishop myself and asked to meet with him before I headed for home that evening. I met him at his home. For 3 hours. I told him about all of my marital issues with my husband–the total control he had over anything financially based, the controlling of when and with whom I was allowed to leave the house, the pornography addiction… Three Hours. The bishop looked like his head was going to explode. My husband was, at that time, the Elder’s Quorum president.

I went home feeling like maybe someone was listening. But the feeling lasted all of three days when I got a call to meet with the stake president. I went in with my husband to that meeting; the bishop was there as well. The stake president announced to me that my marriage problems were all my fault and I needed to fix them immediately. I looked at my husband and said something like, “did you seriously ambush me like this?” He looked startled.

“No,” the bishop said, “I called the stake president.”

“Do you call them for everyone that has marriage problems?” I asked. Apparently not; I was a Special Case because my husband is such a good person that this must be All My Fault.

I listened to the stake president for about five minutes of being berated before totally zoning out. He had a picture of the Savior above his desk behind his head. I looked up to it and immediately thought, He would not have handled this like this. I looked down at the stake president, announced that I was done, asked the bishop to give my husband a ride home, and left.

Two weeks later, I got a letter from the stake president marked “personal and confidential” on the outside of it. He apologized for stepping in where he should not have, without having all the information, and hoped he hadn’t made things worse.

Epilogue: A good friend of mine was a bishop in that stake at the time that stake president was finally released. There was a reception for him, sort of a farewell thing, and the friend asked the stake president if there was anything in his time as the stake president that he regretted. He said while he’d made some mistakes, the only thing he really regretted was how badly he’d handled this one couple where the wife was in great distress and the husband had a porn problem. He said he totally screwed up with that, and he deeply regretted how it had turned out.

It didn’t fix my problem, but it sure helped me feel validated…even though it was a good 7 or 8 years later.
– Anonymous

Pro tip: Listen to women and don’t project blame onto them, even when you identify with the husband because he seems like “such a good guy.” Do not interfere in marriages except to listen, offer support, or refer to a competent professional.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)