#hearLDSwomen: I Know the Truth
by RRS
I had prayed the night before and I knew what I needed to do. The Holy Ghost confirms, but does not always provide courage. I called his bishop’s secretary and scheduled a time to meet, to discuss my dad and what he has done to my mom. To me. To my brothers. The years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse had numbed me against compassion for abusers. No one had come to save us, but as an adult, I felt empowered and able to save my mom, and the ward that he was being called to serve as bishop.
I prayed again and asked, “What do I have to offer here but anger and hate for the priesthood holder that dominated my youth with calling me a “slut,” “bitch,” “worthless,” throwing my brother’s down the stairs, putting a gun to his head if we didn’t behave.”
My mom attempted to leave him once, after all 5 kids had grown, and his recourse was to tell his family, his bishop, and all their friends that she was having an affair. My quiet, sweet, scared mom that moved in with me for a couple of months fearing for her life. She would hide food under her mattress out of habit. She shared stories of abuse that I wasn’t aware of. I knew what had happened to me, in front of me, or in ear shot, but I had never known the level of depravity. Her temple marriage though was more important than the abuse she had and would continue to endure. She moved back in with him two months later.
I didn’t want to go in to this meeting with hate. I wanted to help, to prevent damage, to save. I pulled up in the church parking lot and prayed again. “You know the truth” came and warmed my mind. I did. I had the truth, and without the desire to destroy, but simply to prevent, I walked in to the church. To my surprise, my oldest brother was also there waiting to see the bishop. He had been compelled the night before to drive from California to meet with this bishop.
Walking into the bishop’s office, vibrations of love and calm streamed through my body. I knew I was doing the right thing. My brother held my hand and we shared the vibrations that empowered us to speak of the abuse. Our story told, the only thing the bishop said was “Your dad told me you might say something like that.” We were dismissed. My dad was made bishop of his ward. He served 5 years.
RRS is a PhD Student at the University of Utah, a Research Assistant at the Huntsman Cancer Research Institute, and an Adjunct Professor at Weber State University.
Pro-tip: If anyone approaches you with allegations of abuse by a member of your ward, believe them.
Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.
“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)
I am so sorry. I believe you. It pains me to read this because right now my abusive mother is serving as a Relief Society President and hurting people, too. For years she wailed from the pulpit about her “wayward children” who cut her out of their lives but really we were horribly abused and psychologically scarred by her viciously toxic religiosity enforced by psychological and physical violence.
Now she is exercising dominion over poor people in her RS stewardship—doing to them what she wishes she could do to us: taking away their livelihoods and storehouse support until they do whatever she says. My heart hurts for them. She is so assertive and bossy that the bishop and EQP are all falling in line behind her as she manipulates the weak and vulnerable in her ward the way she wishes she could exercise dominion over her kids, but we all went “no-contact,” so she is forced to rely on weak ward members as outlets for her abusive, controlling behaviors.
Oh, how I wish we had trained, professional clergy who knew how to spot abuse and stop it from invading our congregations like this. The Q15 has no clue just how many abusers they are facilitating with their policies.
Which policies are those?
Handbook 1 Section 17.3.2
“Abuse
Abuse is the mistreatment or neglect of others (such as a child or spouse, the elderly, or the disabled) in a way that causes physical, emotional, or sexual harm. The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse.
When abuse occurs, the first and immediate responsibility of Church leaders is to help those who have been abused and to protect vulnerable persons from future abuse. Church leaders should never disregard a report of abuse. In addition, members should never be encouraged to remain in a home or situation that is abusive or unsafe.
Victims of sexual abuse often suffer serious trauma and feelings of guilt. These victims are not guilty of sin. Church leaders should be sensitive to them and give caring attention to help them overcome the destructive effects of abuse.”
There is a lot more, but this will suffice. The Q15 have made it clear what should be done. That it doesn’t is the fault of faulty leaders. having a paid ministry makes no difference if they refuse to believe, or do anything – as has been reported in many faiths.
She didn’t say paid ministry—she said professional and trained clergy. Huge difference.
How do you have the one without the other?
Professionals tend to get paid for their years of training and professionalism.
So, since I am wondering how, what would you propose in order to have professional bishops that were not paid?
I am the first to say that we do not train well enough – not just bishops, but at all levels in the organisation. But better training, and trained professionals also equates to a huge difference.
This is just awful, I believe you. Thankfully not all bishops, and stake presidents, act this way. I know two, of three, daughters who when their father was called as bishop went to the stake president and told them of the sexual abuse they had, and were suffering. He was released immediately, and excommunicated. Fortunately this worked out right, and their little sister never had to suffer.
He went to jail, has repented and been re-baptised and had his blessings restored. He and his wife are still married, but do not live together. He occasionally sees one of the daughters and her children.
Thankfully there are good priesthood leaders – if only all were.
So the church let a child rapist back into it’s good graces because they believed he “repented?” Sure Jan.
You comment leaves me wondering why you believe Christ Atoned? Surely it wasn’t just in case I miss a week’s tithing, or slip up and break the word of wisdom?
Surely all can repent and come back into the arms of Christ?
In order for an ordained bishop to be re-baptised, and indeed for someone who was excommunicated for child molestation, First Presidency approval is required. For his blessings to be restored First Presidency approval is also required.
So, in two instances a Prophet of God considered his case and approved.
We baptise many sinners. What we do not do is simply trust them. This man will, until the day he dies, have an annotation on his record that prevents him from being called to any calling which would put him in contact with children or youth.
Anyone trying to put him into a calling that is forbidden would find it impossible in the LCR.
Similarly, anyone convicted of fraud is not going to be called to serve as the ward clerk.
>>>Similarly, anyone convicted of fraud is not going to be called to serve as the ward clerk.
And a woman. Your forgot being a woman disqualifies you as well. A felon and a woman.
I didn’t forget it, it isn’t relevant. The reasons are completely different. And I think you understand that.
I have served twice in a YM presidency, once as president. I am not very good at it. I can teach just fine, but I have never been someone who enjoyed the things most YM enjoy. I do not really relate well to them either.
On the other hand, I always had more female friends, have six daughters, and I certainly would enjoy doing the activities with the YW more than the YM.
So, in your new world order, would you call a male YW Presidency?
Lindsay Hansen Park’s “Priesthood Affinity” op-ed in the Bee explains well the circling of the wagons that men do when one of their own is exposed as something they do not wish to believe.
I am sorry, and I believe you. I have seen too much to not.