Least Likely Christmas Lyrics to Appear on Holiday Cards

Have you noticed the trend in Christmas cards? Along with a family photo, quotes and lines from Christmas songs are splashed across the card. Among the most popular are: “Peace on earth goodwill to men;” “Merry and Bright;” “Have a  holly jolly Christmas;” and that old standby, “Joy to the world.” While sitting in Sacrament meeting this past week, my warped mind got to thinking about lines from songs that are LEAST likely to wind up on a greeting card. So with apologies to the families whose images I’ve swiped from the Googles, here you are.

10. Long lay the world in sin and error pining.

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9. You better not pout, You better not cry!

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8. Bring us some figgy pudding!

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7. No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses–I only like hippopotamuses

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6. Bring me flesh, and bring me wine.

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5. My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Gosh your lips look delicious!

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4. Please daddy don’t get drunk this Christmas (thanks John Denver)

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3. For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth goodwill to men.











2. Don we now our gay apparel

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1. Sorrowing-sighing-bleeding-dying, sealed-in-the-stone-cold-tomb

Portrait of Smiling Family on Steps






Merry Christmas, and Santa, if you’re reading this, just slip a sable under the tree for me; Been an awful good girl. God bless us, every one!

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14 Responses

  1. Ziff says:

    Ha! These are great! I love how your warped mind works!

  2. Corey says:

    I’m surprised that you didn’t have “now in flesh appearing”. I think that would make a great caption for a Cancun vacation photo- all bathing suits!

  3. janeannechovy says:

    These didn’t just made me giggle, they made me snort.

  4. Em says:

    HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Thanks for the holiday chuckle

  5. Em says:

    My mom just came over and I greeted her at the door with “Here is the stocking of little Nell, Oh dear santa”
    and she interrupted with “give her hell.” In that spirit she said “go read Exponent, right now.”

  6. Ru says:

    Haha, my friends used “You better not pout!” with a picture of their sobbing newborn. I thought it was hilarious. I also have some friends who used “Now we don our gay apparel” — a gay couple standing naked in a field wearing Santa hats, holding hands, with their butts to the camera. It was amazing.

    If you’re going to use a weird line, you have to embrace it fully.

  7. Melody says:

    You made my day! My belly just shook like a bowl full of jelly!

    The “you can never be too rich or too thin” (or too golden-tanned) family is my favorite. Thanks for the laugh. Merry Christmas!

  8. EmilyCC says:

    This is just what I needed to read on Christmas Day!

  9. Caroline says:

    Love these, Heather!!

  10. Anne says:

    Wickedly funny as usual, Heather 🙂

  11. Violadiva says:

    How about:

    “With those holiday meetings and gay happy greetings” (business out front, party in the back)

    “The Cattle are lowing, the poor baby wakes.” (I hate it when cows wake the baby.)

    “The Virgin sings her lullaby” (Madonna?)

    “So they happily sat, little mouse, little cat” (for pet lovers)

    “Brincan y bailan, los peces en el rio” (Leaping and dancing, the fish are in the river — for the outdoorsman)

  1. January 6, 2014

    […] Em, commenting on Heather’s post “Least Likely Christmas Lyrics to Appear on Holiday Cards” at the Exponent: […]

  2. November 23, 2014

    […] Heather’s laugh-out-loud Least Likely Christmas Lyrics to Appear on Holiday Cards. […]

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