LDS Church Announces Lightbulb Commandment

(Salt Lake City) – The LDS newsroom has announced a new commandment prohibiting incandescent lightbulbs.  The LDS Church hopes this initiative will reduce carbon dioxide emissions by 25 million tons annually among the church’s 15 million members.  An LDS church spokeperson expressed optimism about the goal, given the results of a 14-year pilot project restricting earrings.

In November 2000, LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley made an offhand remark about his distaste for earrings on men or multiple piercings on women. Church members, eager for new revelation and bored of old commandments, raced each other to prove their faithfulness through approved earring attire.

“I’m not sure that earring thing was supposed to be a commandment,” said Eliza Smith, an independent sales consultant for Hot Modest Jewelry Pyramid Corporation.  “It just sounded like a typical opinion for conservative men of his generation.”

“That earring rule was inspired revelation,” rebutted Jacob Moroni Young, a senior at Brigham Young University who was a freshman at the time of the November 2000 announcement. (“BYU requires a lot of religion credits,” he explained when questioned about his lengthy stay there.)

Young expanded on how the earring restriction has blessed his life. “When President Hinckley announced the earring commandment, I had been at BYU for two whole months and still hadn’t identified my eternal companion, even though I had carefully evaluated all of the women at Heritage Halls based on their adherence to the 14 female dress and appearance standards  already in For the Strength of Youth, plus overall attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10. The new earring commandment was just what my wife needed to rise above the competition.  After the fireside, I noticed that she wasn’t wearing any earrings at all and I knew she was the one.”

“I’m allergic to nickel,” said his wife, Jennifer Young.

The new lightbulb commandment shares many advantages with the earring restriction. It is practical and culturally appropriate for North American church members to comply and they can easily judge their neighbors’ faithfulness by observing their lighting choices, just as they do by observing their earrings. However, the lightbulb restriction adds a new dimension.

“Not only is this an exciting new rule Mormons can follow to demonstrate obedience, but it is actually a way to observe Christ-like principles.  Decreasing your carbon footprint is a great way to love your neighbor more than you love yourself,” said Bishop Jonathan Hansen of the Salt Lake City 137^th Ward. “Just think of the cumulative effect we can have as stewards of the earth if we can get as many church members to remove their incandescent bulbs as we got to remove their earrings.”

Critics have questioned the timing of the new commandment. A blogger at greenmormonmama.com, known as Sister FlourPowder, wrote: “Why did the First Presidency wait until now, when new laws are going into effect that restrict most incandescent bulbs in the United States anyway? An initiative like this was really needed a decade ago. Why did we waste all that time policing earrings?”

Mormon entrepreneurs are more enthusiastic. Mormons have already begun several new businesses inspired by the new commandment, such as Light of the World LED Inc. and Follow the Prophet Fluorescent Solutions. 

In honor of the new commandment, the General Primary Presidency has announced that a children’s song previously neglected by the LDS church, This Little Light of Mine, will be the theme song for next year’s primary program.