Queer Mormon Women*: I Don’t Like Pizza
Guest Post by Michaela
This is a post that is a part of the Queer Mormon Women* series. Click HERE to see all the posts to date.
Michaela is a twenty year old girl with a passion for writing and film making.
This person is fantastic.
You spend time with them, you get to know them, and you start to realize that you genuinely like this person, maybe even love them.
You talk a little, flirt a little, maybe go on a few dates.
There’s only one problem.
You don’t like pizza.
When you tell them, they laugh a little and play it off as a joke. “No, it’s true. I really don’t like pizza.” You say. Their humor turns into confusion. They don’t understand. How can you not like pizza? Everyone likes pizza. “I don’t know. I just never have. There’s no appeal to it at all.”
Ah, but of course you just haven’t tried the right kind of pizza. Or you were denied it so much as a kid you’ve convinced yourself you don’t like it. You’ll learn to like it eventually.
“No. I really don’t like pizza. I don’t think I ever will.”
Now they’re hurt. How could you not tell them you don’t like pizza? They invested way too much time in you for you to tell them this now. Were you trying to trick them into liking you so they’d feel guilty enough to stay with you when you finally told them? Pizza parties are the basis of any healthy relationship. It’s impossible to maintain one without liking pizza and having regular pizza parties.
You try to explain love and those parties don’t coincide. You can still love someone without loving pizza.
They don’t believe you and you never see them again.
You probably guessed it. That was a really elaborate metaphor for sex and sexual attraction.
Asexuality is probably the one sexuality on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum that you haven’t heard much about, if anything.
The first time I came across the word “Asexual” there was no lightbulb, no fireworks, and no great moment of revelation where a light beamed down on me and caused me to think “Yes. This is who I am.” I thought that asexual was an odd thing to identify as, and moved on. The idea that maybe I didn’t feel sexual attraction was such a foreign concept to me, I didn’t even consider that it could be an option for me. I’d always figured that I just hadn’t met the right person and that I’d know what the feeling was when it happened.
I’m twenty years old and it’s never happened.
I’ve never felt the sexual attraction that’s been described to me.
And I’m okay with that.
It took me a long time to tentatively accept the label, and it took me even longer to be open about it with my friends. But finding a label for how I feel, and identifying as it has lifted one of my heaviest burdens in life.
The first time my “Preparing for a Temple Marriage” institute class talked about the law of chastity, my teacher stood up and said,
“Never be so arrogant to assume that you are above the sin of sexual temptation.”
I cried myself to sleep that night, and never went back.
The hardest things about being an asexual Mormon is how focused on the family our doctrine is. While I have absolutely nothing against it, the isolation that I sometimes feel can cut very deep. I’m at an age where my friends and family are starting to notice how apathetic I am to the thought of getting married and having lots of kids. Not because I don’t want it–I want it very badly—but because I feel like I can’t have it.
One of my deepest fears is that I’ll never be able to find a man who will accept me how I am. One who knows that my feelings for him are far deeper than any sexual attraction might go. I’ve had to work extremely hard to gain enough confidence in myself to counteract the guilt that I know I’ll feel when I do start dating. I know it’s ridiculous, but the knowledge that he can have something with someone else that I can’t give him is never going to leave me.
I’ve grown a lot since I started identifying as asexual. I’ve learned more about myself and who I am, and I’ve tried to strengthen my connection with my Heavenly Father because I know he knows what I’m going through.
So just because someone doesn’t like pizza, and feels no desire to eat it, doesn’t mean that they’re broken.