This post is for the kind friends and family who have tried to understand my questions about women in the church. My experience has been unfolding over years, but here’s where the story begins.
The journey of considering women’s role in the church and eternities is neither new nor unique (and mine is perhaps a bit rudimentary for people who have considered and written about this for years), but this is my experience and I’m glad to share it with you.
It started with a list of study questions
Several years back, I wrote a list of doctrinal questions I wanted to study. Post-seminary and post-mission, this exercise was common practice for me.
I assumed I’d move through the experience much like I had any other time: I would study out my questions in scriptures and other good books, I would receive inspired insight and find answers I hadn’t noticed before, and I would move to the next topic of study in my spiritual development.
This time, my questions involved women’s role at church and in God’s plan. I couldn’t point to any one thing that brought these questions to mind, just some nagging discrepancies I needed to reconcile.
The plan + gender = ?
First in the equation: Mormon doctrine holds that our purpose on Earth is to become more like God. As God’s children, we are meant to progress in this life and the next to be like our Father in Heaven. We refer to this comforting plan consistently at church, complete with a familiar diagram of circles and lines on the Sunday School chalkboard.
Second: the LDS church makes much of gender. Between the Proclamation to the World on the Family, General Conference talks, new primary songs, and the church’s support of political actions (such as Prop 8), the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has taken a stand that gender is divinely appointed and eternally important.
Those two points came together like this for me:
If gender is really as important as my church keeps insisting it is, with rigid roles for males and females, then the plan of salvation as I’ve learned it is the eternal blueprint for men’s progression. After all, Heavenly Father is characterized as distinctly and unequivocally male. According to the church, women have their own role, separate from men. In which case…
What is my blueprint for the eternities as a female?
It struck me that I didn’t have one. Not a clear one, anyway.
I had lived in the comfort of Mormon certainty for many years. And at that point, I was certain that I would find my answer quickly and move forward with a new sense of my divine calling as woman.
But then I came up empty.
The scriptures offered far fewer examples of women than I had ever noticed before.
Words from modern-day prophets didn’t clarify. Contemporary Mormon leaders contradicted each other, even contradicted themselves. Men preside over women, but women are also equal partners with men?
I found women referred to from the pulpit as possessions. As the best homemakers. As walking pornography. Take your pick.
I wondered, where in the gospel experience do women just get to be people?
Going to church, I felt a deep sense of unease, a blankness about my identity at church that I hadn’t experienced before. I sat through Relief Society lessons that spent air time discussing the dangers of sleeveless shirts, but didn’t mention Christ.
And what other kind of church culture could I expect? Women are supposed to read themselves into all-male stories, while at the same time, fulfill a role specific to female gender alone—a role that some would potentially sum up as: have babies and support the men who do the important things.
The eternal trajectory of women remains speculative in LDS doctrine. Mormons believe in a Heavenly Mother on the sly, but she is shrouded in mystery and conjecture. (Bring her up in a group of Mormons and someone may hypothesize that there are many heavenly mothers, polygamous wives to Heavenly Father—a folkloric idea tracing back to Orson Pratt). Rarely in pseudo-doctrinal theories about her is she discussed as an “equal partner.”
In the absence of actual doctrine that teaches what divine femininity looks like, Mormon women are left to fill the time talking about the length of other women’s sleeves.**
Eventually, I did find some answers, but not the ones I expected
During this time of discomfort at church, I felt surprisingly guided in my spiritual life. (Though, to my fellow ward members, I might have looked like I’d lost something. I asked to be released from my calling. I took a temporary break from attending church.) I went inward and looked upward. I fortuitously found people and communities—such as the women at Exponent II—who gave me clarity and support.
I won’t go into all the answers I’ve found (and I’m still finding), since they would take time to unpack, and that’s not the purpose of this post.
But I will say this. While church culture often overlooks women, or speaks of them as either less or more than human, Christ himself did not. The story of Christ in the New Testament recounts him speaking to women deemed outcasts or unclean. At a place in history when a woman’s testimony would not be allowed in a court of law, he allowed a woman’s voice to serve as witness that he had risen.
In certain vital ways, I believe our church culture does not follow the pattern of Christ in how to treat women. That may sound uncomfortable. I understand the impulse to defend the way things are, to explain how current practices and status quo are eternally relevant. Testimony of the church’s truthfulness can seem to depend on it. But what is the worst thing that could happen if you just ask? Honest, unafraid of the answer?
I can only speak for my own experience. I’m not suggesting that you should ask the same questions that I have, or that your journey should parallel mine. It’s not the same path everyone should take, just as your experience is not the one required of me. But we can all ask questions we truly do not know the answers to. I think that as we do, we put ourselves in a space to be taught, both about God and about each other. We open ourselves up to an even more active, searching spirituality.
In my experience, I’ve found increased clarity as described in the Doctrine & Covenants: in your mind and in your heart. When the mind is not satisfied and the heart is uneasy, the journey being prompted is likely worth pursuing.
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**You might read this and say, “But you don’t need female-specific doctrine because the gospel is for everyone.” Yes, I recognize that principles of the gospel apply to both men and women, that men and women are baptized and can take part in temple ordinances. I recognize that Christ-like attributes and Christ’s invitations to repent are not exclusive according to gender (Gal 3:27-28, 2 Ne 26:33). That’s the point. My church continues to emphasize that gender is rigidly divided with prescriptive roles, without illuminating what those roles look like in the eternities—which is problematic for a religion that also claims to have reliable and detailed answers about what happens to us after we die. I’m not looking for the same clear-cut certainty I had before. But I am interested in us having a more open, searching conversation as a religious community.
This articulated so well how I’ve been feeling for at least a couple of years, especially lacking a blueprint. Thank you for giving voice to my concerns; I’ll be sharing your post the next time someone calls out my heretical ways. 🙂
Thanks for reading, Julie. Glad to hear it was helpful.
Yes this! This is what I’ve been asking for about a year and a half now. Where do women fit in the plan of salvation? Where is Heavenly Mother in the plan? And in my life? And in the temple? If the temple is Heavenly Fathers house (which is the conclusion I have come to since I can’t find Her there) where is Heavenly Mothers house? Does the lack of female stories, especially in the Book of Mormon, mean that women’s spiritual experiences don’t matter? Same thing with priesthood and leadership, does the fact that there are no women mean womens spiritual lives and insights are less then mens?
The really interesting thing is that if I am understanding you correctly I think I have received quite different answers then you. You appear to feel that gender doesn’t make a big difference but to me it’s still a big thing. I absolutely love being a woman and feeling feminine and wouldn’t change it or diminish it at all. But I feel like it is time for the feminine, especially the feminine divine, to step forward, at least in my religious experiences. I have realized that my way with interacting with Goddess and God are distinctly feminine but just as valid and important as the masculine way of interacting with the divine. And I wouldn’t have learned this or been on this journey if I weren’t a woman.
I totally agree that we as a church must change to make way for the feminine divine or there will be no place for me as well in the church. I have also found peace in the story of christs ministry to women and feel that we are not living up to what he taught. I am trying to figure out how I can be the change that I wish to see in the church. And it’s slowly happening but this is not an easy path to be on. I often find myself “daring to stand alone” as president Monson once said. But occasionally I find sister spirits as I stand up and speak out. And for that I am grateful.
But the most beautiful part about it is that we can both be right. I believe in your answer just like I believe in mine. I wish you well on this spiritual journey.
I have come to the conclusion there are some people who think/feel more in terms of gender than others. The RS Declaration says that we find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood, and I have been trying to figure out what the latter means ever since it was published. I personally struggle with understanding gender outside of socialized stereotypes, despite many people I admire who speak encouragingly and positively regarding greater developments in feminine energy and the feminine Divine.
I’m not saying gender doesn’t matter, I’m not saying it does–I’m saying I don’t yet understand what it means beyond earthly genetics.
Thank you for sharing, Kelsi, and for helping me see what I could clarify. I do think gender makes a difference, but I’m skeptical that the difference looks and sounds the way it’s outlined at church.
I agree with you that we need a space for the feminine divine. Without it, our religious community is missing a vital element of spirituality that could benefit us all. I’m still moving through the experience of discovering and understanding the feminine divine. Articulating what is truly feminine vs what is just a socialized divide feels hazy to me some days.
I think my experience is complicated by the urgency I feel for women to be seen and treated as people—both in the church and in the wider world. We’re all humans, but women’s femaleness has historically been used as reason to treat them as objects. I feel a tension between insisting that we’re all just people (without reason to treat anyone differently) and appreciating the unique aspects of feminine and masculine energy. I don’t have solid answers there, but I continue reaching and learning.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me! I wish you well on your journey, too.
Yes! THIS!!! This post is my life!! I am so incredibly happy to find out I’m not alone in this!
You described the conundrum really well. For me, it felt like trying to put together a puzzle of my identity with half the pieces missing, a few weird pieces from another puzzle mixed in, in the wrong box.
I want to believe that if we had revelations recorded about Heavenly Mother (similar to the extent at which we have those of the Father), we’d all have a lot more guidance and clarity about what is expected of us. Since we don’t, we are left to create a Goddess in Woman’s image by reverse inferring what she must be like based on how women today are “supposed” to be. I grow weary of these descriptions of her. “She must be a nurturer, one who makes our celestial home all nice and cozy, one who supports her husband but doesn’t get in his way.” No. Just no. I’d much rather have a more accurate picture of her attributes and let that inform the type of woman I’m trying to be.
There are a few nice nuggets of wisdom out there about her. The more I learn about her, the more confident I begin to feel, and the more limited I find the rhetoric surrounding prescripted gender roles to be….
Yes, puzzling indeed.
That description has me picturing deity fluffing pillows and saying, “Oops, sorry for getting in your way.” It’s a ridiculous picture, and like you, I’d rather have a more accurate one.
I love knowing that many women out there are puzzling this out at the same time, growing in confidence. Thanks for reading and sharing!
When one becomes focused on something, thats usually all they see. A while back I was car shopping and had a particular model in mind. For several months it seemed like all I saw on the road and for sale was that particular model in complete over abundance.
If we become fixated on a certain problem in the church, or even a perceived problem, thats all we may see. I myself do not see a church that revolves around males at all, in fact, anything but that! I see the church revolving around Jesus Christ and his teachings, the Book of Mormon, service, families, morals, and community. Our church isnt sexist, we do however teach that male and female have distinct attributes as part of the plan of salvation. Even though we are both made in the image of God, male and female, we have very different qualities, respobsibilities, and stewardships. In many ways, each gender compliments the other from opposite sides of the spectrum. Its about an even balance. From a godly perspective, both female and male are seen as one being in essence, coming together to become whole. Even though the temple endowment doesnt specifically say it, salvation itself is dependent upon each of us finding a mate, becoming kings and queens, priests and priestesses. Its only through the marriage sealing itself that qualifies us to truly become the very individuals we were created to become fullfilling the measure of our creation.
Recognizing this, I myself understand that in Gods kingdom here on earth, in mortality, the church is set up in such a manner that provides the correct roadmap to our salvation.
I find it truly sad that some believe that the priesthood, held by men, is viewed as more noteworthy in our church over that of bearing children or being a homemaker. We do not measure equality by worldly standards, but should measure it by godly standards. In Gods eyes what is important? We are comparing apples and oranges here. We need to stop bickering over who thinks which gender related stewardship is most important. Husband and wufe combine to becime one and each attribute is held by each other as one head. It a team that forms to make one.
Rob! Given your activity on other Exponent comment threads lately, I was starting to feel left out that you hadn’t weighed in on my post yet 😉
Let me add to your car analogy. When I wrote my list of questions about women, I expected just what you described—to turn my attention to something (in this case, the divine role of women) and see it everywhere. What surprised me most was finding so much absence. I was not looking for a perceived problem in the church. The imbalance found ME and it threw me off guard.
You say there is “an even balance” between male and female, an idea that appeals to me. But if that is the case, I’m not seeing it in practice at church. We are imbalanced in our number of female role models, stories, and voices.
Most importantly, I made quite clear upfront that this post outlines my personal experience. I personally know some of the most well-intentioned men who dismiss the pain and disorientation I described in this post, mainly because the experience does not match up with their own. Putting on someone else’s shoes can feel challenging and even threatening to a worldview, but making the attempt is essential if we are ever to become one in heart as followers of Christ. The amazing men I know who make that attempt have become wiser, more compassionate, and more truly Christlike because of it.
The empathetic response in this case, Rob, is, “Wow, that sounds like quite a wrestle with your identity and your religion. Thank you for sharing with me so I can consider another perspective that I have not personally lived.”
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(Also: You brought up the whole priesthood=motherhood parallel and projected into onto this post. Do not pity me and find me “truly sad” for points not even mentioned in what I wrote. Stick with responding to the actual text, please.)
The church and plan as we teach it revolves around men. You don’t see that because you are male. I also want to point out that the plan as you have described it leaves absolutely no place for a woman like myself, single and childless. Please don’t give me the in the next life speech, all that means is that my life now is worthless.
My study of the Savior particularly from the New Testament leads me to believe that we make too much out of gender and family. He simply did not talk this way. He spoke of a broader love and service to all of our neighbors, not just our family and not just our spouses.
Yes! THIS!!!
What a gorgeous post, Kathy. I think that this journey is all too common, where people are searching to understand more and find more questions than answers. My biggest issue has always been the discrepancy with how Christ interacted with and included women in his ministry and how the church operates today. We could do so much better.
I loved following your thought process, Kathy. I’d also love to read (in another post) about some of the answers you’ve found, and are finding.
Oh man, this has been all consuming to me lately! I finally landed on ” I guess the God of the Old Testament and the God of Joseph Smith think if women as more like cattle or a family pet. They love her til she serves her purpose ( analogy of women giving them children) and then put her in the pasture to love while taking another cow to satisfy his needs. ” It makes women a throw away object rather than a spiritual being with her own light. I decided I’d rather be an atheist than believe that is all I am as a daughter of God. Christ however is different. I’m not sure who to believe. It is such a conundrum. Thank you the post. You put into words the incredible emotions that got me here.
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