When I was growing up my Mom referred to herself (facetiously I now realize) as “The Fount of All Knowledge.” She comes by the title honestly, having a BA, an MLS, an MA and a PhD. Like a good reference librarian, if she didn’t know the answer, she knew where you could find it. If I asked her something unanswerable, like “did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?” she would refer to me to The Great Information Booth in the Sky. Evidently when you die, there is an information kiosk staffed by angels to provide you with answers to all your questions.
I have found the thought of the celestial information booth to be very comforting for a variety of reasons. I hate unsolved mysteries and it is nice to think I will be able to sit down and watch video footage and find out who dunnit. Who was Jack the Ripper? I’ll just queue up and find out. Ever wonder why God made some bugs look so gross? Do you ask yourself why there wasn’t a better solution than menstruation? It’s all there.
Recently I’ve been yearning for access to the information booth right now. There are some questions that are far more important than why centipedes need to exist. (Though really, why?!) Who is my Heavenly Mother? Why don’t women have the priesthood? What was the deal with polygamy, anyway?
So my question for you is this. You can get one informational pamphlet from the Great Information Booth in the Sky right now. It isn’t a lot of information, a few paragraphs, some images or diagrams, maybe a few bullet points. But it is all information that we do not currently have. What brochure would you like to receive from the Celestial Chamber of Commerce?
I will tell you mine. My grammy died in early November. She was not a member of the church, nor was she particularly religiously active. My grandpa died twenty-eight years ago, also not LDS. I want to know what she is doing in a very real day-to-day sense. I don’t want vague platitudes about missionaries, and I definitely do not like imagining her in Spirit Prison.
Who comes in the welcoming committee? Was Grandpa there waiting? Do you get issued robes right away? My Grammy was very self-conscious about not being very stylish and not fitting in with well-dressed people. Will there be an orientation week for new arrivals explaining the schedule? Will there be tours of the facilities? What about showing up to your own funeral or the temple? What are the guidelines for hovering near the living? Is she happy? Is she scared by new things? Are you allowed to be snarky in the hereafter, because if not I’m not sure what she’ll do. Is there a botanical garden to poke around? Is there a Sunday Crossword, or did the cranky old ladies who declare Sunday Newspapers Are of Satan win the day? I’d just like an orientation schedule, site map and a few key facts. Where do I send my request?