Dear Sister Sassy: Hot Summer Sabbath Edition

Sister Sassy is The Exponent’s resident Agony Aunt.  Heed her advice at your own risk!

Dear Sister Sassy,

There has been a lot of conflict recently over whether or not women should be allowed to breastfeed in Sacrament Meeting.  On one hand, motherhood is sacred and babies need to eat, and women should have access to the Sacrament and should be allowed to worship with the Saints.  On the other hand, ew!  How can we righteously resolve this?

Embarrassed in Tremonton

Dear Embarrassed,

You’re right to ask.  Of course in an ideal world we could safely sexualize breasts by forcing women into purdah during their childbearing years, but feminists have ruined that for everyone.  The best solution is to satisfy everyone’s needs.  Women want to sit in the chapel.  Babies don’t want to wear blankets.  Men don’t want to have to treat women as humans and parents don’t want to teach their boys that breasts have a function.  How can everyone be pleased? It couldn’t be simpler.  Have the scouts set up pup tents in the overflow at the back of the chapel.  If a woman needs to breastfeed, she should simply crawl into the tent holding her baby and take care of business.  She’s in the room, she can hear everything, and she can even take the sacrament.  All she has to do is stick her hand out through the zipper and wait for someone to put the sacred emblems in her hand. Everyone wins!

Dear Sister Sassy,

Last week I saw an adult woman in our ward wearing flip-flops.  I remember some GA sometime somewhere saying that flipflops destroy the spirit or something. Can you clarify what the rule is about sandals, and provide guidance in case she does this again?

Flip-Flummoxed in Parowan

Dear Flip,

When I was young I was taught that flip-flops were called {thongs}. Imagine my mortification at learning what The World meant by that word! I resolved then and there that I would avoid the appearance of evil by never donning Satan’s Sandals.  Flipflops are immoral for a number of reasons.  They show naked toes which can look like tiny breasts, especially if you paint the nails a nipple-ish shade.  They are comfortable and easy to walk in, both signs of inappropriate Sabbath wear for women.  They are affordable and versatile which again, shows that they have no business being worn in church.  And above all, men cannot really get away with wearing them in a formal setting the way women can.  If there is one thing we know to be true, it is that the Lord never intended to place men at a disadvantage. So you’re absolutely right in sneering at her.

But what can you do? Well, directly approaching someone in private about a concern is a wildly inappropriate way of resolving conflict.  It’s much better to be passive aggressive because it allows you room for plausible deniability and above all keeps everything pleasant.  I’d go ahead and bear testimony of the blessings of closed-toed shoes.  Surely you have a few miracle stories that relate to that topic?  Make a few pointed remarks about “obeying in the small things” and how bad choices are keeping us from receiving the lost portions of the Book of Mormon.  You should also talk to the Bishop about having her released from any callings where she might influence anyone.

 

Dear Sister Sassy,

My church building does not have air conditioning and these summer months make church a misery! How can I keep cool?

Sweaty in Sweet Home

Dear Sweaty,

Well I can tell you a few things not to do.  Do not stop wearing nylons.  Tights show respect.  Do not adjust your garments in any way, including choosing fabrics that are more breathable.  If you change your underwear for the weather, what else are you willing to alter? Where is your steadfastness?  Do not use the program as a fan.  This shows disrespect for the announcement about the special sale at the Bishop’s Warehouse on dried banana chips.  Do not prop open the door as there is one person who is chilled by the draft.  Do not casually drape your arm across the back of the pew to allow ventilation, as someone might glimpse your armpit and be tempted.  Do not bring a water bottle.  This is distracting.  Do not forgo makeup just because it runs or drips.

I find the best way to keep cool in the summer is to remember the suffering of the pioneers, and how really I should be more grateful for their sacrifice.  Gratitude is more refreshing than air vents.

Hope this helps!

If you have a pressing quandary, feel free to inquire in the comments, and Sister Sassy will respond next month.

 

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7 Responses

  1. Olea says:

    Oh my gosh, I love you so much.

  2. Spunky says:

    Sister Sassy! Your sage advice rules my world!!!

  3. Ziff says:

    These are brilliant! I especially love the suggestion that the letter writer should passive-aggressively bear testimony of the blessings of closed-toed shoes. Wonderfully hilarious!

  4. Evangelina Voz says:

    Oh my! 😂 I keep thinking I am at the very end of my rope with Mormon culture obnoxious-ness, and then someone comes along and spreads oh so comforting balm in my gaping wounds. I laughed so hard I almost fell off my bed. Thank you for hearing our voices, I can stay and fight another day!

    I would love someone to address (whether fabulous sister sassy or another blogger), the issues of how the church treats abuse vicitims. I would love someone to cover what Sam Young is doing, also of course the MTC victims of the MTC president, etc).

  5. Suzanne says:

    You. Are. Fabulous.

  6. Chiaroscuro says:

    laughing and crying “It’s much better to be passive aggressive because it allows you room for plausible deniability and above all keeps everything pleasant”

  7. Caroline Kline says:

    “They show naked toes which can look like tiny breasts, especially if you paint the nails a nipple-ish shade.” Ha!!! Well done, Sister Sassy.

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