This year for Christmas, my brother thoughtfully purchased for me several enormous pieces of World War II propaganda to display in my home. I believe his thinking was that my children will be more likely to eat their dinner if they are sternly admonished that wasting food is tantamount to murder and treason. We had a good laugh over various posters and he suggested to me that maybe the Church could benefit a more 1940s approach in conveying key points. So, without further ado, I offer you some new approaches to messaging.
For the Young Men:
Young men just don’t seem to understand that God expects them to have short conservative hairstyles. Perhaps the implication that floppy locks make them look like the Führer would help?
Many a youthful couple has sought to escape the watchful gaze of a chaperone during a stake dance. Perhaps the judicious placement of a few of these would keep things nice and chaste in a deserted classroom?
Why be coy about the consequences of violating the law of chastity. Do you want to be a poor boob and get the syph? Do you? I didn’t think so.
For the Young Women:
Bummed you don’t get the Priesthood? Why not use some sexy innocence to shame the boys into honoring theirs? Gee!! I wish I were a man I’d honor my PRIESTHOOD. It’s okay to be sexy if it is for guilt tripping boys into righteousness!
Our messaging about the law of chastity is waaaaayyyy to coy. Remember two things gals. 1) All young men have syphilis. Every one of them. 2) You can get syphilis from dancing with boys, especially mosh pits, bear hugging and slam dancing. Stay away from dance halls (there might be syphilis on the floor too).
Helpful Guidelines for Sacrament Meeting:
Now in a historical context, this was an admonition relating to loose lips and sinking ships. But in an LDS contest, I like to think that this man was enduring the long silence of a slow testimony meeting and is being rescued from drowning by a kindly soul taking one for the team.
It isn’t easy to know when to quit bearing testimony, and some people definitely go too long. This helpful reminder, posted on the podium, will keep things appropriately succinct.
This would be a nice one to put at the back of the chapel for the speaker to see — it would be particularly useful on High Council Sunday. Consider replacing the image of the hapless sailor with any member of the ward.
Taking a small child alone to Sacrament Meeting is entering a war zone. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You’re a hero.
Women are happier with limited choices when beautifully made up women inform them that the calling they didn’t choose is, in fact, the place that was home all along!
Never ever divulge your calling between the time you meet with the Bishop and the time that he announces it in Sacrament Meeting. You just can’t risk it.
Did your Bishopric meeting give you a strong guess as to who the new Relief Society President is going to be? Tell NOBODY not even HER.
Some good general advice:
Where I live, the Temple is a few hours away. If you go WITHOUT carpooling, you’re basically hanging out with Hitler. Are you proud of yourself? Now, who is going to sign up to drive the youth? It’ll only take about seven hours out of your day, and you don’t want Adolf to be sitting there picking the tunes, do you?
Some women mistakenly feel that having their husband take on a second job and be gone most weeknights and all day on Sunday is enough of a sacrifice. False! Pay your tithing!
An unventilated mother’s room can quickly fill with fatal levels of noxious fumes. Think of the children!
Stay safe out there.