Poll: Who initiates sex?

Is sex in your relationship a little one sided? Or are you egalitarian all the way? Let us know in this week’s poll!

And for a bonus question; does this translate to who makes the condom purchases in your relationship, if you have need of them? Do you believe these responsibilities fall to one side more naturally?

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21 Responses

  1. Moriah Jovan says:

    Re birth control: Dude went and got snipped. I figured, if I have to bear them, carry them, and feed them, the least he can do is shut down the canal.

  2. TopHat says:

    I voted for 3. My husband’s vote was 50/50. I voted for mostly me since lately that has been more accurate. And I also vote for a schedule- whenever both kids are asleep and it’s not too late, we have sex. That’s our “schedule.” My husband claims that’s not a schedule, but I say it is because it means sex isn’t spontaneous.

  3. Corktree says:

    We’re still not as equal as we could be, but I do notice that when I take the initiative, I have a much better time and it’s easier to get a certain something out of the experience.

    And I’ve always bought the condoms because it was easy to grab them with the groceries, but after a recent trip to Walgreens looking for an alternate brand, I was surprised to see them in an isle of all men’s items, as opposed to the feminine product/pregnancy test isle at the grocery store. I wonder who is culturally expected to buy them? My husband seems to think it’s less embarrassing for me, but I think it’s just that I’m used to it. In any case, I’m buying them online now (for until my husband’s V is deemed 100% effective), so no more looking for the cashier least likely to make a face for me! 😉

  4. Anonymous says:

    I’m embarrassed to admit that I usually want him to initiate sex and then get a bit mad if he doesn’t. It sounds pathetic, but if he doesn’t put the moves on me at least a couple of times a week, I start feeling neglected. There is something about him being dominant or knowing that he wants me that is a turn on. This shifted sometime in my mid 30’s.

  5. another anon says:

    I think the birth control purchases really depend on the stage of life you are at. We haven’t used condoms for years, mostly because I have an IUD. I took the birth control pill prior to that, however. My husband always said he would be willing to take a male pill if one existed.

    I think it’s one thing for tired parents, another for a younger couple (the question of who initiates sex).

  6. Phannie says:

    That’s an interesting thought. We actually both initiate sex AND we both tend to be together when we buy the condoms or KY jelly or other things. I never really thought about it. We don’t lean one way or another. We just both do it.

  7. MJK says:

    I’m with Top Hat – I voted for two because we usually only get to have sex on the weekends due to our mutually exclusive work/kid’s sleep schedules.

    But even though we only have sex on the weekends anyway, I’m usually the one who actually initiates sex. After the first 2-3 years of marriage, but before kids I probably initiated sex about 75% of the time – this led to some fights. I finally have figured out that he was raised to think “be considerate” so he frequently lets me make the first move because otherwise he ends up interrupting me when I’m trying to do housework or something where I’m not receptive. (We need to give him lessons in “Timing.” Someday. When we don’t have a toddler running around the house screaming at the top of his lungs.)
    We’ve compromised by coming up with other ways that he can express that he desires me other than being the one who initiates sex.

  8. Aaron R. says:

    I initiate sex more than my wife but the condom duties are shared equally.

  9. Stella says:

    I am not in a monogamous relationship at this point in time, but I am sexually active–so I always make sure I have my own birth control taken care of.

  10. Kevin Barney says:

    We do the schedule thing (every other night). It works great for us, but then we don’t have kids in the house. It approximates my wife’s libido, and although my brain would like to do it more often, I’m not 23 anymore and at my advanced age it’s a good thing to recharge the batteries, as it were. If someone’s not up for it some night for whatever reason, no sweat, we just recalibrate the schedule. A plus for this method is that we agreed on it mutually, and as a result we simply never fight about sex. We’re both very happy with the arrangement.

    (When we were younger and before we came to this arrangement, I initiated sex more. But as we’ve aged my wife’s libido has accelerated and my physical capacity has slowed down, so now we’re roughly at the same place in our desires for sex, which makes the schedule approach the ideal solution for us.)

  11. jks says:

    I’m sure we’ve been all four choices in the poll.
    Over our marriage it definitely changes. We have periods of time one way and our circumstances change and then a new pattern develops.
    For a while I always initiated because my husband got tired of being turned down (but he kept initiating at the wrong times!) so I started looking for more convenient times so we could actually have a sex life. Now he wisely picks better opportunities so he doesn’t get turned down.

  12. Jessawhy says:

    When we were first married I initiated most of the time. After babies, it’s mostly him.

    Like Kevin, one of my friends has an every other day schedule with her husband. We’re the opposite, we can go almost a week without it then have lots of it in 2 or 3 days. Feast or famine maybe.

    I was thinking of putting up a poll about sex, but I was going to ask if married people find that they are happier in their marriage when they are having more sex.

  13. nat kelly says:

    Until about 3 months ago, I was on birth control for all of our 3-year marriage. At first, we initiated it about equally. But then, a couple years in, the fake hormones started to have an effect on me, I think, and I was almost never in the mood. I didn’t stop enjoying it, but when I was tired or just wanted to read, those options usually seemed more appealing than sex.

    Fast forward to now, when I’ve been off the pill for 3 months, and whew! Man, I forgot how great it feels just to be horny. 🙂 I just wish that I wasn’t totally freaked out by having to rely on condoms. And at having to deal with periods at their full strength. Ugh.

    • Jessawhy says:

      Interesting. . . I wonder what would happen if I got rid of my IUD. But it’s not worth the risk of getting pregnant 🙂

    • MJK says:

      I’ve gone through something similar in the last year; getting my sex drive back after our son was born was quite a surprise “OH hey, so *that’s* what it feels like. I think I remember this!”

  14. Stephanie says:

    nat kelly, glad to hear things are going well. I am having the same experience. The other night DH asked me, “What did you do, take Viagra?” 🙂

  15. Rebecca says:

    Nat and Stephanie’s comments got me wondering if decreased libido is a common side effect of taking the pill. I found this when I googled it this morning. Good to be aware.

    “It appears that the birth control pill affects sex drive because it acts directly on a woman’s sexual hormones. In particular, the birth control pill inhibits the production of androgens, including testosterone, in a woman’s ovaries. Androgens have a direct effect on the pleasure that you experience during sexual intercourse. Additionally, the birth control pill also appears to increase the amount of sex-hormone binding globulin (SHBG) in the body. SHBG is a protein that binds to testosterone, preventing a woman’s body from using it effectively. High levels of SHBG have been directly linked to decreased libido and sexual desire.

    In January 2006, a new study was released illustrating possible long-term effects of the birth control pill on the female libido. Published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, this study finds that women using the birth control pill showed markedly-decreased levels of sexual desire than those women who do not use the birth control pill. It also found that women who had discontinued use of the pill continued to suffer side effects in the long-term.”

  16. Stephanie says:

    Rebecca, that is good to know! Thanks for sharing. I just wish I knew it in 1998 instead of 2008!

  17. Rebecca says:

    Stephanie – Me too. I don’t remember ever being told about decreased sex drive as a possible side effect. I spent about 15 years taking the pill, when we weren’t trying for kids. Now I’m wondering if this was a side effect for me. I know a lot of women in their 40’s stop taking them for fear of other complications like blood clots. The church handbook discourages permanent sterilization, but the option of long-term pill use into your 40’s and 50’s seems too risky to one’s health. My sister-in-law told me that her OBGYN refused to prescribe them after she was 43 or so and started pushing to tie her tubes. Her physician was in a stake presidency for what that’s worth. I thought it was perhaps skewed advice, since having her husband have a vasectomy is way less invasive.

  18. Corktree says:

    This is one of the reasons I’ve never done HBC. It messed me up too much when I first tried it, and after looking into why, I decided to stay away. I can’t say I’ve always been super randy off it though.

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