Dear Sister Sassy: Visiting Teaching Dilemma

Sister Sassy is The Exponent’s resident Agony Aunt. Her previous excellent advice can be found here.

Dear Sister Sassy,
My ward just rearranged the Visiting Teaching Assignments, and my list now includes a woman with whom I am not acquainted. I’ve heard she is hostile to us, but the president has made it clear that everyone should receive at least one visit. What do I do?!
Beleaguered in Biloxi

Dear Beleaguered,
There is actually a very simple solution to this problem. Set up a time to go with your companion, and make sure that you travel in the same vehicle. If you live where people drive on the right, try to be the passenger – you’ll want to be as close to the curb as possible. When you arrive at the home, suggest a prayer in the car. This serves two purposes: First, it invites the Spirit and is a good idea. More importantly, from a cowardly point of view, it ensures that you have a reasonably equal starting pistol. As soon as you say “Amen,” spring from the car and march with great speed to the door. I know, you’re thinking this is crazy talk just because I radiate self-confidence and quiet dignity. Hear me out!

As you approach the door, look carefully to see which way it opens. If there is a screen door, stand by the hinges so that when it opens outward you will be obscured, while your companion bears the brunt of any hostility or awkwardness. If the door opens inward, stand away from the hinge so a suspicious person peering out of a narrowly opened door will naturally have to converse with the person on that side. By following these steps you will appear to be a gung-ho visiting teacher. You set up an appointment and went together, you prepared and prayed, and you all but ran to the door. What an odd twist that you never end up being the one who talks to strangers! Sister Sassy, did you serve a mission?! Maybe I did, and maybe I did.

Dear Sister Sassy,
Can you please clear up the bra-over vs. bra-under debate that rages within the bellies of women everywhere? And can you please tell me a good place to buy maxi-pads with side wings long enough to wrap around to the bottom of my undershorts?

Sincerely,
Underwear is fun-ter-wear

Dear {Rhymes with Thunderwear},
I am surprised that your ward does not have a busybody who can approach you unsolicited with the answers to these questions! I will assume you live in the mission field, poor dear. The over/under debate is a tricky one. Bra-over is more righteous, not only because garments should be worn next to the skin, but because the chafing against your {rhymes with bipples} is reminiscent of a hair shirt and allows you to taste the suffering of martyrs on sensitive days. Bra-under is more comfortable and so is probably more wicked. My personal solution has been to wear a bra both over and under mine simultaneously. You can’t be too careful in guarding the lustful thoughts of others, and since I am nursing a baby the extra layers just make good sense.

As for the absorbent {down there items} . . . until my personal brand “Sassy’s Classy Art For Your Lassie Parts” gets off the ground you’ll need to improve upon commercial products. Simply lengthen the wings with masking tape all the way down your inner thigh and up again at the knee. Have a romantic evening with your eternal hubby planned? Why not take markers and draw hearts, flowers, or whatever will best complement your outfit on the tape? Your snuggly bear is sure to notice, and be righteously enticed! Bonus: By crafting or at least improving your own sanitary products you are roughing it like a pioneer, and this would be an excellent way to open a talk or lesson about how close you feel to your illustrious ancestors!

Dear Sister Sassy,
I recently read that the cheaper the wedding ring and wedding celebration, the more likely a couple is to stay married. What is the optimal range for serious couples, who want to stay seriously married, for eternity? What tips do you have for turning the cultural hall into a Ballroom?

Sincerely,
In need of a fairy God Sister

Dear Needy,
This question raises especially thorny issues as the recent SCOTUS decision means that in all likelihood gay couples will be pounding on the doors demanding access to the Cultural Hall as the most desirable nuptial location, and then what?! Truly, we live in the end of days.

The optimal budget is as follows:

The Ring: All the money the groom has amassed selling Living Scriptures videos over the summer break.

The Cake: Ideally you should provide only a tiny cake for the bride and groom to cut, and everyone else should be issued the cheapest cardboard/lard combination that your town affords. Remember, if it is repellant you won’t need very much because nobody will take any. They’ll have already brought a gift so…ka-ching!

The dress: At least $500 more than daddy said was okay.

Decor: Many beautiful items can be crafted from PVC pipe liberally bedecked with tulle. Consider attending the next stake dance and making off with any decorations at the end under the guise of cleaning up. It isn’t stealing if you leave them behind after your reception. After all, you helped them clean up!

Remember to play a slideshow of the couple. All really interesting and enjoyable parties are centered on guests eating peanuts and watching slide shows. I know I’d happily fly to another state in order to attend one!

Any remaining budget should be funneled into creating distressed boards with vinyl lettering spelling “All because two people fell in love,” “Live, Laugh, Love” and “I Thought You Told Me Your Rash Was Poison Oak.”